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I wish you could feel my compulsion to help others in their hour of need. I wish you could know how it feels to face my loved one and tell her that "it was a slow night" knowing ... that something went terribly wrong and I almost answered the last call.

I wish you could feel the hurt as untrained people verbally and physically abuse me or belittle what I do, as they second-guess my decisions or tell me how I could have done my job better.

I wish you could know what it is like to awaken in the night soaked with sweat and trembling with fear as I relive terrible calls over and over.

I wish you could know what it is like to watch a man place a gun to his head and pull the trigger right before my eyes, and it happened so fast that there was no time to react. He could have shot me instead.

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and missed family events, in addition to all of the tragedy that my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the exhilaration and self-satisfaction of helping to save a life, preserving someone's property, or being able to be there in the time of crisis, creating order from chaos.

I wish you could know what it is like to lose a fellow firefighter to the arsonist's flame. Only to see the arsonist get probation for his crime of murder. To some, the firefighter's life is cheap.

I wish you could know what it's like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and ask, "Is mommy OK?" Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own welling up and not knowing what to say.

I wish you could know what it is like to hold back a hysterical man as he watches his long time buddy who has massive head trauma, is not breathing, and is being intubated. I know all along that his friend would have walked away from the accident if he had his seatbelt on. A story that I see again and again.

I wish you could know what it is like to have the County threaten to revoke my Paramedic License because I used my skills and the county's IVs and equipment to save a dog's life. Or what it is like to be called "unprofessional" by them because you are a volunteer. My 20+ years of experience and training don't matter.

I wish you could know what it was like to stand at the gates of hell and beg God to bring you home one more time.

I wish you could know what it is like to enter the remains of a once grand building. To see innocent workers dead at their desks. To remove the mangled and charred body of a child. To watch helplessly as three-hundred of my brother and sister firefighters are killed while doing their job. All died at the hands of the terrorist. I wish you could feel the anger burn my soul as I listen to those who can't acknowledge such evil acts preach love, acceptance and forgiveness of the terrorist and his harborers.

I wish you could know what it feels like to watch as the body of a brother firefighter who died in the World Trade Center is recovered, draped with the American flag, then taken by a hundred rescuers to lie in state in a ruined church. He passes by a hundred others, saluting and weeping in silence. Everyone of us knows that had we have been there it would have been us. Did he have a family? A wife? Children? Was it quick? Did it hurt?

I wish you could know what it is like, to stand there weeping and feel the pride as a civilian woman says to her husband, "How can they take the body of their dead friend into a church, leave them, and then go right back to work?" He replies, "They are firefighters. That's what they do. They are heros, all of them."

Finally but tragically, after 343 of our brothers and sisters are lost, the public has a glimpse of our lives. Bravery. Honor. Duty. Sacrifice.

Unless you have lived this life, or loved a firefighter, you will never truly understand who I am, who we are and what it is like to be a firefighter....I wish you could know what it is like.

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