Titus 2 Men And Women

Your New Best Friend
Danette Tucker

I'd like to introduce you to your new best friend!  If you are like most women, you have a deep desire to be loved and valued; you have a need for companionship, for a friend who is right there when you need him/her, one who understands what makes you tick and who listens when you need to talk.  Single women search for it in Mr. Right.  Married women look for it in their husbands.  We all look for it in our friends.  Welcome to the club -- it's universal!

The problem is that the elusive Mr. Right or hubby or our dearest friend never quite manages to fill that need.  If your marriage is like most, after the honeymoon is over (whether it's a week or five years) you're suddenly not the center of his universe anymore.  His mind is filled with projects at work and his limited time at home is spent working in the yard, on the car, on his hobbies, doing volunteer work for the church, teaching soccer for the kids, catching up on e-mail, surfing the internet, and watching TV.  It can seem like, unless they're in the mood for physical intimacy, we barely make a blip on their radar! Actually, that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels that way! And our friends have their own lives and families that demand their time and attention. 

But there we are, with that hole in our hearts and a need unmet.  It's easy to become first irritated by, then eventually consumed with, feelings of hurt, anger, jealousy, bitterness or fear that those we depend on don't love us.  The good news is that, if this describes you, you're in good company.  You're not weird!  Most women have felt this way, to some degree or another, at some point in their life.  Some women have lived for many years with this as a way of life.

The even better news is that it doesn't have to be this way!!  The truth is that God created each one of us with this need for a heart-friend.  Since He created us this way, He has a way of meeting that need.  He has provided a true friend who is far better than any human friend can ever be.

Now, before you roll your eyes and think, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard THAT before!!" bear with me for a little bit.  The reason that we don't perceive God as being able to really meet that need is because we don't know Him well enough.  Have you ever met someone who later became a close friend?   When you first met her/him you probably had no idea that person was "friend" material.  How did you move from acquaintance to friend?  Progressing from acquaintance to friendship involves several components. 

To move from acquaintance to friendship, first you spend some time together.  This might be time that goes along with other activities such as women's functions at church or time in the park while the kids are playing.  As a relationship grows, this incidental time moves to deliberate time.   You begin to plan time to be together -- for lunch, to go shopping, to do a project together -- so you can get to know each other better.

A second element in moving from acquaintance to friendship is sharing common interests.  Common interests are usually what move you from incidental time to deliberate time together.   You may find you both love horses, you have similar parenting styles and children the same age, you have past experiences in common such as being an only child, health issues, or childhood traumas.

Another critical part of developing a deep friendship is safety and security.  For a friendship to ever develop into a deep one there must be certainty that you are safe in this relationship.  You can share your greatest hurts and your deepest needs and the other will not betray your confidence.  They value you so much that they will protect your heart and you will do the same for them.

Another key factor in developing a friendship is communication.  No matter how much time you spend together, you would probably never become close friends if you never spoke!  This communication is also not simple social politeness.  There is an exchange of personal dialogue.  This communication is also not one-sided.  For a friendship to develop, both parties share themselves with each other.  The depth of the relationship grows as the depth of conversation grows.  In a very close friendship, there is practically nothing that one does not know about the other.  And this makes us feel valued, loved and safe.

A final part of the development of a close friendship is sacrifice.   At some point, you come to know that you can count on the other for help and you are willing offer help in return.   Whether it's help with the kids, help with a project or a shoulder to cry on, you will go out of your way and sacrifice whatever you can to help a true friend.

All of these elements are necessary for the development of a close relationship.  When we think about human relationships we look at that list and think it is obvious.  But we don't translate that same realization into our relationship with God.

Who is God and what is He like?  We tend to view God as characterized by some of His attributes without realizing the significance of others.  For example, we know that God is Holy, that He cannot look upon sin, and that He is a just judge who executes wrath on those who don't meet His expectations.    But we don't know enough about Him to know that as His children He sees only Christ's perfect sacrifice, we are completely exonerated in His sight and He has no wrath toward His  children.  There are other characteristics of God that we know about but limit to particular functions.  For instance, we know that God is good, but we don't realize that since He is good He cannot do bad to us as His children.  We know that God offers us salvation by grace but we don't realize that grace is part of God's fundamental character and he acts toward us with grace all the time.  We know that God is our Redeemer but don't realize that as a fundamental part of His character this means He redeems more than just our eternal souls.   He has a redemptive plan for our circumstances, our relationships and our hurts.  We know that God is love but we tend to limit His love to His provision of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.  And there are some characteristics of God we do not even know about.

Because of this incomplete understanding of God we tend to see Him as being distant.  We feel that, because He is so holy, He has to keep some distance between Himself and our humanness.  Since we feel that the expression of His love was complete at Calvary, His "feelings" toward us now are probably mixed with a little disapproval, or a little disappointment, or that He is a stern disciplinarian.  A lot of the way we see God is a reflection of our relationship with our human father.  If we know that our human father loved us and His way of showing love was primarily by making sure we toed the line, we will see God the same way.

But the truth is something far, far different!  Here's what the Word says about the way God feels about us.

Matthew 7:11  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Psalm 139:1-18  (this is verse 17) How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

Romans 8:16 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

John 15:13-15  Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

John 14:20-21 At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved by my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

John 14:23  Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

John 16:26-27  At that day ye shall ask in my name: and I say not unto you, that I will pray the Father for you:

For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God.

I John 3:1  Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God:

These are just a few verses out of many in the Word.  But they are enough to demonstrate that God's love for us is real.  Unless His love is real, it is just a powerless theoretical concept.

Here's some more Scripture that shows that God wants a literal relationship with us.

II Cor. 5:17-20  Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God.

This Scripture states that God's purpose in salvation was to reconcile us to Him.  The word reconcile has two meanings.  First is to "reestablish a close relationship between."  The second is "to settle or resolve."  (American Heritage Dictionary)  Both of these definitions apply.  We accept that God provided a way to resolve or settle our sin debt with Him.  But He also wants to restore a fellowship with man that pre-existed the fall, when He walked and talked with Adam and Eve in the garden. 

 But we are humans and God is God -- how can we have a literal relationship with Him that truly meets our needs?  That answer is found in the Word, as well.

 I John 3:24  ...hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.

 I John 4:13  Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.

John 14:26  But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

 John 15:26  But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me:

 John 16:13  Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.

 Here is where we have to challenge the boundaries of our beliefs.  Do we believe what God says?  Is it possible that through the Holy Spirit we can literally have a relationship that will meet our needs?  The reason we don't experience that type of relationship with God is because we don't believe it is possible. 

 The way we can develop this type of relationship with God is to follow the steps to a good relationship and apply them to our relationship with God.  First of all, we have to believe that the Holy Spirit really will teach us, comfort us, and lead us into truth.  With that understanding, we can then look at the components of a heart-relationship and develop exactly that type of relationship with God.

 First we need to spend time with God.  Just as a deep friendship grows with the quality and quantity of time spent together, so it is in relationship with God.  If your relationship with God is limited to church services and occasional prayer, with maybe a quicky devotional reading or dutiful Bible reading each day, your relationship with God will be no deeper than the relationships you have with most of your acquaintances.  How much time would you spend with a dear friend?  How often would that time be diluted with the presence of 100 other people?  Being with God and 100 other people is not bad, but for a truly intimate relationship, you need one-on-one time.  And you need lots of one-on-one time, not just occasional time with God.

 Second, we need to share common interests.  Did you know that God cares about the same things you care about?   We can go to Him with every little thing!  He cares about all of it.  From your need to experience healing to your need for a hair appointment.  He cares about YOU and that means He cares about everything about you.  At the same time, if I care about Him I will want to learn about what concerns Him, too.  How much thought do I give to that? 

Third, we need to know that there is no safer person to have a relationship with than God.   Yet, we often fear getting close to Him because we're afraid He will hurt us.  But our Heavenly Father is incapable of giving us evil gifts (Mt. 7:11).  Even His discipline is based in His goodness, not His wrath (Rom. 2:4).  Did you know that Jesus said He didn't come to judge even the world that rejects Him?   That judgment is reserved for the end of time. (John 12:47)  And Rom. 8:1 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  So God doesn't ever view us with condemnation, judgment or wrath in His eye!!!   That doesn't mean that sometimes His correction of us won't hurt.  But it does mean that He is never angry at us.  The only reason He brings discipline into our lives is to make us more like Christ -- a good thing!

 Fourth, our relationship with God must include communication.   Now, we know that we communicate with God through prayer.  Most of us pray at least daily.  As our relationship with God grows we get to the place where we have a continuous prayer-line going with God all day.  But did you know that He wants to talk to you too?  Communication is never one-sided!!  If it isn't going two ways, it isn't conversation!  So how does God speak to us?  Well, the obvious answer is through the Word.  But does it really seem like God is talking to you when you read the Word or is it more like reading about Him, sort of like reading a textbook?  There is a huge difference.  The Word says that the Holy Spirit will lead us into truth (verses above).  John 17:17 says, "Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth." Heb. 4:12 says, "For the word of God is quick [living], and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."   Eph. 6:17 says that the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God.  James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."  So if this means what it says, I can ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me from the Word and show me what God wants to say to me. 

This understanding literally revolutionized my relationship with God.   When I go to the Word, I first ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me from the Word.  I lay aside my preconceptions about what the Word means (we don't hear very well if we think we already know what the other person is going to say!) and I ask God to show me how He wants to change me. Often I will ask Him questions and He will give me specific answers from the Word.  In the years that I have been doing this there has never once been a time when the Holy Spirit hasn't spoken to me from the Word.  The times that I have felt like I couldn't hear His voice in my heart there was always one of two problems.  Either my mind was so busy with other things that I wasn't paying attention or I had unconfessed sin standing between me and Him.  Have you ever had a friend do that to you?  You're trying to talk to them but you can tell their mind is a million miles away?  Or maybe they did something that hurt your feelings and it's difficult to think about anything else or to enter into their enthusiasm about something.  Those same factors affect your relationship with God.

Lastly, a close relationship with God that meets our needs is characterized by sacrifice.  God showed His love toward us by making the ultimate sacrifice; He sent His Son to die.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice; He took on Himself all our sin, He took on Himself all the hurt we have experienced at the hands of others and all that we have inflicted, and He bore the abandonment of His Father whom He loved.  John 15:13-15 says that there is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends.  Jesus did that for us.  Are we willing to do that for Him?  Are we willing to give up our rights, our demands and accept what He wants for us?   Are we willing to let the Holy Spirit take us apart piece by piece and remake us into the image of Christ?  Are we willing to obey what He shows us?  God's sacrifice for us has measureless rewards.  Our sacrifice for Him is filled with measureless rewards too.  One of those is that He truly meets our needs to be loved and valued, for companionship, for a friend who is right there when you need Him, who understands what makes you tick and who listens when you need to talk.

Pr 18:24  A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

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