Titus 2 Men And Women

Pardon Me, Your Slip Is Showing
Danette Tucker

Did I catch your attention?!  Any one of us would want to know if our slip was showing.  We would feel less embarrassed to have someone tell us about it than to discover later that we spent an entire day in public with our underwear hanging out!  Did you know that we often run around with our spiritual "underwear" showing?  Let's take a look at this to see where our slip is exposed.

Matthew 15:18 says, "But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth

from the heart; and they defile the man." 

James 3:2 says, "...If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body." 

James 3:6 says, "And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell." 

James 3:8 says,  "But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison."

What comes out of our mouth is an expression of our heart.  Matthew 15:18 means exactly what it says -- what comes out of my mouth shows what is really in my heart.  Have you ever noticed how we like to minimize what comes out of our mouths as "slips of the tongue?"  We actually believe that we didn't really mean what we said.  I believe this is why God says we will give account for every idle word we speak (Matthew 12:36).  He doesn't mean every lazy word we speak.  We will give an account for the words that we say in unguarded moments because they show what is really in our hearts.

This issue of speech reflecting the heart came up within my accountability group (a mutual mentoring relationship*) a couple years ago.  As we prayed for God to show us the truth about this, He began to draw our attention to little "slips" of the tongue.   We realized that we usually either ignore these slips or we excuse them by saying, "Well, I didn't really mean that..." followed by a verbal retraction or white-wash job.  We learned to instead take note of those moments when our spiritual slips were showing and ask God to show us the truth of what was in our heart that motivated the words.  It has been a tremendous learning opportunity.  It is also perpetually humbling to realize that we never "arrive" at some spiritual plane where we have victory over the slips of the tongue that expose the secrets of our hearts.

We tend to see some forms of speech as more acceptable than others.   For instance, we would classify screaming and swearing as ungodly speech.  But any form of speech can express wickedness in the heart.  Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"  When we look at this Scripture, especially in light of the passage in James that is referenced above, we have to agree that for as long as we live on this earth, our hearts will still have deceived and deceitful places.  And those sinful places are exposed in the idle words that leave our lips.  Everything that comes out of our mouths can be an expression of the truth of the deceitfulness heart -- whether it's disguised as softly spoken, humorous, sarcastic, etc.

We tend to justify our words or manner of speaking to others and to ourselves.  For example, some women have perfected the art of "soft and gentle" speech but their mouths are still spewing ugliness.  Just because unloving words are spoken quietly doesn't make them any more lovable.   Another particular weakness in many Christian women is found in those who use quiet speech as a powerful manipulative tool in the name of godly womanhood!   This type of speech is just as wrong as screaming and swearing.  In fact, it may be even more destructive than blatantly "wrong" speech because of it's hidden nature.  Immeasurable damage has been done to children and husbands in the name of godliness through the power of a controlling tongue, cloaked in manipulation.

There is a difference between being an influence and being manipulative.   The American Heritage Dictionary defines influence as "a power indirectly or intangibly affecting a person or course of events."  Manipulation is described as "shrewd or devious management, especially for one's own advantage."  Manipulation uses influence deviously to accomplish it's own purposes.  While someone who is manipulative may say they are attempting to inspire righteousness, the secret motivation of the heart is selfish.  The reason manipulation is always selfish is because righteousness comes ONLY out of an individual's personal relationship with God, not out of one person's control over another.  We can attempt to influence our families to turn to God so He can change them however HE wants, but He is the one who remains in control at all times.  When we start trying to influence someone to submit to our point of view about righteousness or anything else, we are being either openly controlling or secretly manipulative. 

Someone recently asked me about the use of sarcasm.  This is another common speech problem.  Now, I have to be the first to admit that this is an area that particularly applies to me.  Sarcasm was used commonly as a mechanism of humor in my family when I was growing up, but it generally had a cutting edge on the back side.  While it was presented and used as a humorous tool, the truth of the heart is that it was simultaneously used as to produce shame in order to motivate behavioral change.  God doesn't attach shame to His discipline of His children.  Use of sarcasm as a disciplinary tool is also manipulative.  Sarcasm isn't speaking the truth in love.  Use of sarcasm is attempting to change someone's behavior by shaming or humiliating them.  It is also a habit that's hard to break and my oldest son has learned well from me! 

At the same time I love ironic humor. So what is the difference between ironic humor and sarcasm, or is there a difference?  Well, it comes down to what the motivation of the heart is.  And sometimes it truly is the secret motivation of the heart.  That secret motivation can be a secret even from the one who speaks it!

What is the example of Scripture about this specific question regarding the use of sarcasm?  There is a place where Paul appears to use sarcasm (II Cor. 11 -- it's hard to see it around the King James English but it's there).  Actually Paul speaks this way on more than one occasion.  One thing to note in II Cor. 11 is that Paul specifically prefaced his comments by clearly stating he was going to speak foolishly.   And I would propose that this isn't sarcasm, it is irony.  Paul was exposing the truth through the use of irony.

There's a fine, but definitive, line between sarcasm and irony. Sarcasm is defined in the American Heritage Dictionary as "a sharply mocking or contemptuous remark, typically utilizing statements or implications pointedly opposite or irrelevant to the underlying purport."  Irony is defined as "the use of words to convey the opposite of their literal meaning; an expression or utterance marked by such a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning; a literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect." Paul used irony in II Cor. 11 for rhetorical effect. 

The fundamental difference between sarcasm and irony is that sarcasm is intended (consciously or unconsciously) to mock, hurt or imply contempt. Just because it is also funny doesn't remove the sting of the underlying intention.  Irony is without demeaning intentions.  While sarcasm uses irony, irony isn't inherently sarcastic. 

My challenge to us all would be to ask the Holy Spirit to be our "dress checker" -- to reveal to us our slips of the tongue that show the truth of our heart.  Until it is exposed we cannot confess it to God and turn from the destructive hidden sin in our hearts.  This is a good thing, not a humiliating one!  If we have someone close enough to us that it is safe to be vulnerable, we can even be accountable to each other.  For instance, within our accountability group we have permission (built on years of trust) to catch each other's slips (keeping in mind Gal. 6:1).  Often, we don't hear these slips ourselves, but they may be glaringly obvious to someone else.  This has led to some wonderful times of confession and repentance within our group.  Many times we learn from each other's slips and realize we have the same secret heart sin hidden within ourselves.  So this is something that blesses each of us within the group.

Let's keep an eye on the mirror -- the words of our tongues reflecting the truth of our hearts -- for exposed slips!

* Accountability group as I use the term describes a mutual mentoring relationship for the specific purpose of fulfilling Heb. 3:12-13, 10:23-25. My accountability group is a group of friends who have banded together to seek God together weekly for his specific insight and direction in our lives and to pray with and for each other.

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