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The day came in our counseling when this friend suddenly turned to me and said, "It's time for you to get back together."   I instantly slammed the door on my emotions and did what I was told was right, regardless of my feelings.   But in that moment, it was as if my heart literally shattered into a million tiny fragments.   I felt completely abandoned and betrayed by God for making us reconcile our marriage when the main reason He led us in that direction had not been acknowledged or clearly reconciled.  

In hindsight, God did expose and heal that issue during our counseling as well as many others, but my husband was never required to acknowledge or apologize for what he had done.   After months of struggling with God over this I realized that I had obeyed the counselor without going to God for confirmation.   I obeyed the counselor in the name of obedience to God.   This is idolatry, which I had to confess to God.   I short-changed the process and reaped consequences for that.   But mercifully, God did heal the root problem.   My consequences were that some people I respected and loved judged me and I had to struggle with feelings of abandonment by God when it was really my own fault.   However, God used that struggle to finally break the bondage I was in emotionally.

I made a heroic effort to get a grip again and thought I had managed it for about six months.   Then abruptly, my control disappeared.   I fell into an emotional black hole.   Hurt and pain overwhelmed me, as I relived all the hurts from a lifetime -- and there was nothing I could do to stop it.   The pain was so overwhelming I withdrew from everything except church.   It was difficult to even go to the store because I didn't feel like I could make the simplest polite conversation with a checkout clerk.  

Interestingly, and not coincidentally, shortly before this happened I had begun to pray that God would show me what His love really looked like.   I knew mentally that God loved me because the Bible says so.   But I didn't feel loved by Him.   In fact, I really felt like His love was a distant, mostly theoretical concept.   In my mind's eye I saw God looking at me with his hands on His hips, shaking His head and saying, "Tsk, tsk.   I love you, child, but you just don't get it, do you."   I knew in my mind that this picture didn't match the words of Scripture, but didn't really believe what I knew was true.  

At the same time, I knew that I had a difficult time showing love to others.   I love my family deeply but have a difficult time showing it.   But the Word says that no matter how much we know and how much we do for God, if we don't have love our labors are without value (I Cor. 13: 1-3).   God reminded me again that Jesus' only commandment to His followers was encompassed in loving God and loving others (Jn. 15:10-17), so what does that love really look like?

During this process, I learned that there was a step of healing from my abusive past that I had not yet experienced.   Jesus came to set captives free (Luke 4:18, 19).   This process of freedom is what God's healing from abuse is all about.   My emotions were still captive, locked away behind barred doors.   But God created my emotions and the Word says I am created in His image.   If my emotions are created in God's image they can't be "bad".   We see God demonstrating the very emotions we consider "bad", such as anger, wrath, and jealousy.    Jesus wept and was moved with compassion -- tangibly responding to emotions.   So there must be an appropriate place for experiencing emotions.  

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