Titus 2 Men And Women

The Day My "Stuffer" Broke
Danette Tucker

As I mentioned in the article "Is God Angry at Me?" God recently took me through about a two-year period where He completely remade my understanding of how He views His children. Now, He has taken that understanding another step and is teaching me how this principle applies to parenting. This has so profoundly impacted me that I wanted to share it with you.

God's Word says we are to love God and love others. Of course, we know that since God is love, He is the source and example for us to enable us to love others. But if we have an inaccurate view of His love this will affect the way we express love to others. When we understand what His love really looks like we can in turn love others the same way He loves us.

The understanding that God is never angry with me, nor does He punish me for my sin (see "Is God Angry at Me?" for the distinction between punishment and discipline), completely changes the way I relate to my children. When I realized this, God quickly followed that knowledge with the understanding that the guidelines He provides in His Word for the way believers are to relate to others in general and the model He has in His Word for Christian leaders also apply to parenting.

As parents, we often feel justified in our anger at our children's misbehavior. After all, it's righteous anger, isn't it? Well, if God doesn't get angry with me for my sin, I also have no excuse for being angry with my children for their sin. The Word also says, "the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." (James 1:20) If that is the case, then what really is the root of my anger toward my children when they misbehave?

When I asked God to show me this, He revealed that I get angry at my children's misbehavior because I take it personally. I take personal offense. Yet, I Cor. 13:5 says, real love "…seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked…" So my anger when my children sin is sin on my part! God doesn't treat me that way, nor is it acceptable for me to treat my children that way. There is no place for anger with my children in my parenting.

Here are some other thought provoking Scriptures:

I John 4:19 "We love him, because he first loved us."

Gal. 2:20, "…the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."
John 15:12,13 "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

John 14:15 "If ye love me, keep my commandments."

Luke 22:25-27 " And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors.

But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve.

For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? is not he that sitteth at meat? but I am among you as he that serveth.

When we apply these Scriptural principles to parenting we see a far different "style" of parenting than most of us have experienced or practice. So much of what is taught about parenting is based on the basic principle that as parents we need to establish and maintain authority over our children and be sure we make them obey. But these verses present a different concept. Jesus' model of leadership was being a servant. How many of us have ever thought about applying that to our parenting? As a servant leader I would not dominate my children through authoritarian force. I model love to them through servant leadership.

The Word says we love God because He first loved us. There is a cause and effect relationship there. The Word also indicates that obedience follows love (Jn. 14:15). So, if God's model is good enough for Him then it should be good enough for us. This would indicate that my children will come to love me as I unconditionally love and serve them, and their obedience will be a natural result of their love.

Here are some more interesting Scriptures:

Gal. 6:1 " Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

II Tim. 2:24-26 "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,

In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;

And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.

There are many more such Scriptures throughout the New Testament, but for the sake of establishing the principle these will suffice. If we apply these verses to our parenting, is there room for speaking harshly to our children or raising our voices at them, much less yelling at them? God's model for correction is meekness, gentleness, and patience.

I have noticed that there is a way that adults tend to speak to children when correcting them. We talk "down" to them. If you ever think about it, try mentally translating those words and that tone of voice to a conversation with a co-worker or another peer. We wouldn't dream of speaking to another adult that way! It is disrespectful. But children are just as worthy of respect as adults. Jesus demonstrated this attitude in Mark 10:13-16 when He said "… Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." Jesus treated children with the utmost respect and value. And God treats us with respect and value. He doesn't speak harshly to us or treat us with disrespect. Even His rebukes are given gently and in love, motivated by His kindness, and with never-ending patience.

I have realized lately, as a mother of teens, that a lot of the teenage "lip" is merely the same tone of voice I have used coming back to haunt me! Coming out of the mouth of a child it sounds appallingly disrespectful. But they have been spoken to that way and have learned that there's a way "kids" can speak and a way "grown ups" can speak. When they hit their teens they believe they are "grown up" enough to talk the same way. It is wrong, but it is only what I have taught them.

So what does godly discipline look like? It follows the model of God when He "parents" us. Discipline is training -- no more, no less. And it is always strictly in love without anger, judgment, irritation, harshness, etc. (See also I Cor. 13:4-8) When I think about it, this completely changes my perspective of discipline. My responsibility as a parent is to meekly and gently teach and train my children, with never-ending patience! That never-ending patience part is really hard sometimes! But those are the times when I am forced to go to God for the ability to parent my children in His love -- and that's exactly what I need to be doing anyway.

But don't I have a responsibility to make my children obey? Actually, I don't believe we do. Now, stay with me and see what I mean by that statement! According to II Tim. 2:24-26 it is my responsibility to teach and gently correct but it is God's department to "give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth." Obedience comes from the heart and is a result of love. This means that, while I have a responsibility to train and teach, only God can change the heart. I do have a responsibility as part of the training and teaching of my children to establish and enforce boundaries and behavioral limits -- in love, without harshness, irritation, impatience or anger. But true obedience -- the voluntary choice to obey from the heart -- is something only God can bring about. This takes a lot of the pressure and guilt off of me! I am responsible to do my part, and it is a big one, but God is in charge of the ultimate outcome.

Another reason why this parent's heart is so critical for us to demonstrate to our children is because their view of God will be largely colored by their relationship with us. Do I want my children to view God as harsh, angry, critical, demeaning or distant? No, I want my children to learn to love God as I do and to develop a close personal relationship with Him. The way I model God's love to them through my parenting will have a profound affect on that.

The application of these principles is a never-ending challenge and study in walking in Christ. Rather than approaching parenting from a position of "I am the boss; I'm going to make you submit to my will," I have to stay humble before God and rely on His grace and wisdom to parent. Only He can give me insight into what's really going on inside my child's heart and mind and how to best discipline him.

I hope you will be inspired to join me on this journey. Ask God to show you whether this is true and how you can apply it to your own parenting. I don't believe it is ever too late to start. As I said, I have teenagers. But as my husband and I have begun to apply these principles in our relationships with our children, we are already seeing improvements. No, we're not having overnight miracles. But I know that God has created every person with a deep desire to be loved. My children are no exception. Unconditional love, expressed as God would show it, is something that cannot fail to affect any child (or any other person, for that matter). And it is God's responsibility to take care of their hearts. That frees me to love my children without the pressure of guilt and to simply delight in them, as God delights in His children.

This page has been displayed 1 times this month, 24 times since October 13, 2008.