Titus 2 Men And Women

The Road to Forgiving Yourself
by Denise Lower

I would like to share with you a portion of my life that up until recently, I was unable to share with anyone. It is a painful portion of my life, but one that I realize was essential and of God, a place he used to stretch me and grow me into the person I am today . Isaiah 48:10 "Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction". I am a woman who is able to look back on all her yesterdays with thankfulness in her heart to an Almighty God who is able to forgive and able to teach others to forgive themselves also. 

I believe this life lesson has taught me one of the most fundamental truths found in the Bible, that of God's love, compassion and forgiveness on a "stiff-necked" people. Deuteronomy 31:27" For I know thy rebellion, and thy stiff neck: behold, while I am yet alive with you this day, ye have been rebellious against the LORD; and how much more after my death?" And yet, how much are we told throughout the entire Bible, how much He loves those Israelites, even to this day? 

Most especially I learned of Jesus, the greatest teacher who ever lived. He taught me how to love myself again after I was able to forgive myself for having an abortion. 

In teaching me this truth, He brought me to an even deeper understanding of two essential ingredients in the Christian life. One, I was given my life experiences to help others in their walk. 
II Corinthians chapter 1:
1:3" Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 
1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 
1:5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. 
1:6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. 
1:7 And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation". 

Two, it is not about me, it is about God and the love He has for everyone, even "a sinner such as I", John 9:25 "He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.", and that because of that, I can glorify God in all things in my life. Isaiah 24:15 "Wherefore glorify ye the LORD in the fires, even the name of the LORD God of Israel in the isles of the sea." Not BECAUSE of all things, but IN all things, even the refining fire.1Th 5:18 "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 

Years ago, while living in a western state, I had the opportunity to work in a Mental Health hospital. I just worked at the front desk as receptionist, but still had to go through some training in how to deal with suicide and overdose calls. 

On one weekend rotation, I was working the late Saturday evening shift, when we got a call that there was a "slasher" on the way in via private ambulance. I really did not know what to expect, but I was totally unprepared for what I saw. 

A very petite, very young girl was lying on a gurney, her face chalky white against her dark, dark hair. Both of her arms were wrapped from fingertip to shoulder in heavy bandages. Blood seeped through some areas. She looked more dead than alive. 

Her parents accompanied her, one on each side of the gurney. Only one counselor was in the hospital that night, and he went back to take the paperwork, leaving me to stare after the scene as the steel doors shut to the locked ward. 

After he came back from taking the information, I asked him on his way by my desk what a slasher was. He then explained to me in graphic detail exactly what had happened to this young girl. 

Slashers are self abusers. They carry pain in their hearts, minds and souls that is to them so terrible, that the only way to eleviate that pain is to do something to themselves that is more painful than the memories. Unfortunately, these actions only serve to temporarily ease the pain, not eliminate it completely, thus causing escalating incidents such as I am describing. 

This young girl chose to take away that pain by slashing her arms with a razor blade multiple, multiple times, up and down her arm. I cannot imagine the type of pain that would cause someone to physically hurt themselves to such an extent. 

The memory of that scene haunted me for years. At the time of the incident, my daughter was then about 9 or 10 years old. I wondered if there would be any time in her life where she would choose to dispose of her painful memories that way. In her young life, she had already had enough memories to last a lifetime. Memories of betrayal and upheaval. 

I came to a point where I began thinking of that young girl in a very negative light. The shock and pity I felt initially, turned into a form of repulsion. How weak she was, I thought. How unbelievably barbaric to do something like that to yourself. 

Several days after this young girls admission to the hospital, she was allowed off the "locked unit" and came by my desk several times in search of the vending machines residents were allowed access to. I was in for another shock. This waif of a girl looked absolutely no different from anyone else. Even the way she dressed was not extreme or indicitive of her behavior, her bandaged arms covering her self inflicted wounds were the only signs that anything at all was wrong. 

She was not robed in black, not did she have strange markings all over her. Her hair was arranged nicely and the first time she spoke to me, you could tell she had an upbringing of culture and refinement. She seemed to me to be a nice girl, one I would even encourage my own daughter to strike up a friendship with, had my daughter been older. I am sure there were multiple problems, but on the surface, she seemed like a normal young girl without a care in the world. 

Looking back, I can see that I was truly no different than that young girl. The only exception was that I had abused myself internally. 

Having never suffered any physical or sexual abuse of any kind, I always wondered why it seemed I understood what others were saying in terms of overcoming abuse. I could actually almost identify with them. I could not only sympathize with them, but I felt true empathy. I wondered if God in some special way, had gifted me with a special emotion or feeling for others who were in pain. 

Then, it dawned on me..........I had been abusing MYSELF by not forgiving myself for something that happened by my choice 20 years ago. Other self abuses came along as a result of this one rather tragic choice I made. 

You could not see the bleeding or the scars left from my self abuse of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness, but they were there, creating layers of protection over my heart. 

Have you ever allowed God to open a window into your own heart and soul wide enough to let the truth of His wisdom and light shine through?? 

Sometimes, God will throw the window wide open in a flash, in a moment of time. My window has been opening ever so slightly, by degrees, for a few years now. My good friend and spiritual mother calls this "leaking" or "eeking". Recently, God threw open that window, other windows and all the doors to allow fresh air to blow into my life, clean out the damp, musty smell and allow me to see myself for who I really am. 

There are other ways to "leak". One way to "leak" is in how your painful memories come back to you, gradually allowing you to deal with each one as it comes to you. My husband has been doing this for several years now, and the change in his demeanor, attitude and life has been just as gradual, but just as sure. 

To forgive yourself or anyone else does not necessarily mean to forget. I will never forget the smells, and most especially the sounds, in the room where the abortion I had was performed. The not forgetting can be a reminder of how wonderful God's forgiveness and mercy and grace is. Psa 77:6" I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search". I believe the more you're reminded, the more He wants to remind you of His love and His forgiveness. Isaiah 43:26" Put me in remembrance: let us plead together: declare thou, that thou mayest be justified." Perhaps it is even a sign that you have NOT forgiven yourself, especially if these memories are still painful to deal with. 

I still have the memories; the smells, the sounds; but I do not still carry the pain that used to be brought back to life if I did happen to hear something or smell something that reminds me of that awful day in my life. God has allowed me to replace that pain with gratitude...gratitude for what Christ carried for me that I cannot carry myself. 

Have you noticed how certain memories tend to fade after you've finally resolved or at least come to peace with the situation that was causing you such pain? God's constant reminding, or those seemingly unwanted memories are not meant as a punishment or a form or torture, as the world would have us think. John 14:26" But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." It is His way of getting us to forgive ourselves. It is His way of reminding us that He too has suffered the very same things we have suffered, and that that is enough. 

Then after we have forgiven ourselves, it is the way for us to help others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 can then come alive. We truly can reach out to others and offer them the same hope and comfort which we ourselves were comforted with. 

Forgive yourself the way we forgive others. We are taught even as children to forgive others as we would want them to forgive us. We are commanded in Colossians 3:13 to forgive others as Christ forgave us. "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye". Who doesn't know "the Golden Rule"? 

Many times in our own pious, self religious way we staunchly forgive those in our lives who have wronged us or our loved ones, but don't allow the same forgiveness for ourselves. We then turn around and think we are so self righteous by carrying this guilt or shame. Many call it the "martyr complex", when in truth and according to the previous scriptures, it is simply not accepting the finished work of the cross . We're saying "Christ was not enough, God's love is not enough, I need more than His mercy and grace. Ultimately it turns out being "I will be my own god and decide when my suffering will end, I will put God in a little black box and only let Him out when I have suffered enough or when I decide". 
Isaiah chapter 14:
14:12 "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! 
14:13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: 
14:14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. 
14:15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit." We should always be aware of the sin of pride and self exaltation. 

I find it more than interesting that one of the Greek definitions for the word forgive is "to release, put away, send away ,let go, set at liberty, let depart, dismiss". To me, it makes what ever act that took place that caused the lack of forgivenes a "thing", almost a person. It takes on a life of it's own. The tense of the word suggests that this "thing" desires to be gone from us We are to allow that unwanted "thing" in our lives to depart, we are to send it away, set it free. 

Too often we hang onto that "thing". The longer we hang on, the bigger it grows. The longer we let it hide in a dark corner of our heart, the more it grows restless, wanting release. It begs for release in many ways. By constantly tapping at our hearts and our minds, reminding us that it is there. The tapping becomes annoying, and we generally react with a negative reaction, much the same way we would a sound that gradually becomes louder and louder over time. We finally jump up and yell "I've had it. What IS that noise? I can't take it any longer". 

We become short tempered and nervous. We over react to situations that we normally would not, all because of this annoying sound in the background continually. Think of a leaky faucet late at night. A whining child on an airplane packed with people on an intercontinental flight. Think of the neighbor with the teenage son with the pounding bass in the garage. Think of a constantly barking dog, no one home to quiet it. 

My reactions are not good ones when this type of constant annoyance is in my life. Such is our unwanted resident, unforgiveness. And it doesn't matter if it is self imposed or not, it will annoy just the same. 

This annoyance will eventually effect every area of my life. It may cause me to begin participating in damaging addictive behaviors, in order to quell the intensity of the constant drip, drip, drip of my lack of forgiveness to myself. James 1:15 "Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death". These addictive behaviors then create more guilt, which creates more unforgiveness, which causes more addictive behaviors; an endless, vicious cycle. 

I know this to be true only because I lived that vicious cycle for several years, not even knowing what it was that was causing my own erratic behavior. 

It was not until I read a devotion about the life of Elijah, that I was able to see myself for what I really was. A woman who had abused herself by not forgiving herself for an abortion I had many years prior. 

First, I realized that I am not the only woman who has had an abortion and is regretting it. Satan couches all of his little schemes in slick, glossy lies. John 8:44b "because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it." He told me that I would lose my other children if I didn't have it done, that no one would ever know or find out if I did have it done, that, contrary to everything I had been taught, it was not a big deal, I wasn't really taking a life, I was making MY life better. 

He told me I could not afford to have this child emotionally, that it would "cost" too much. He made me see this abortion as men do, in the "sin of degrees". I was not holding a gun at the head of an actual person. Yet, when I looked at it in retrospect, I had taken a life that had just barely begun. The shame and agony that realization created was nearly too much for me to bear and in one of my blacker moments, I wondered what it would be like to die from taking poison. 

Satan also exploited what I knew was right and used that against me to allow me to commit the ultimate wrong, exchanging one wrong choice for another. The "lesser of two evils" is what I thought I had chosen.. Only the evil was in listening to the evil one. 

Second, he made me think that all I had been taught about right and wrong was "out of date", not current enough for this time we were living in. 'everyone' has abortions, why, it is almost another form of birth control. Pride is what causes us to put degrees on sin........."well, what I did and the reasons I did it for were more noble or not as bad as so and so......" The sin of pride, of self, is what is at the root of this evil and Satan is the original author of that lie. 

Pride is the same basis for other sins such as hate and envy and has the same debilitating effects. Many of us try to drown or medicate or eliminate our memories with all types of man made concoctions. Again, I only know these things and pass them on to you because I lived that walk. Too many of us take our painful memories and instead of using them to help others and to glorify God, we waste those teaching experiences God has allowed us to have by making them burdens...........burdens Christ has already borne on the Cross for all of us. 

And lastly, Satan used the oldest lie in the book. "Did God REALLY say you shouldn't do this?"Gen 3:1" Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" The same lie he whispered in Eve's ear is the same lie today and it still works just as well. I reasoned that it must be all right, we have come so far as a society. Maybe God allows men to invent things like abortion for just such situations as I am facing right now. 

After understanding these things, I was able to look at the cross of Christ with new love, adoration and appreciation. 
Isaiah chapter 53:
53:3 "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 
53:4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 
53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 
53:6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. 
53:7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. 
53:8 He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken. 
53:9 And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth. 
53:10 Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in his hand." If I hurt this bad over something that I had done to myself, how much more pain did Christ feel, when others crucified him for no reason? I was just as guilty of the sin of unforgiveness to myself as if someone had committed a wrong against me and I had not forgiven them. 

And then it all made sense. It really WAS my sins He was nailing to that cross. And that is why I have to forgive myself, or I make the cross that Christ bore of no effect. Mark 7:13 "Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye." All that agony and suffering He went through would be in vain, if I try to undo or redo what He has already done. I want to serve Him and love Him for all He's done for me and I cannot do that with the sin of unforgiveness in my heart. Even unforgivness to myself. 

The most freeing experience of my life was to "let go and let God". A friend recently used the phrase "free-falling into the arms of God". Probably like the feeling you get on a ride in an amusement park, when your stomach is in your throat. A frightening, pulse-racing, fear of the unknown, ultimately replaced with the feeling of acceptance and love, only to be found in the arms of God, at the foot of the cross. 

My prayer is that my bad choice and what I learned from it will be a blessing and a help to those in similar situations as I had. And to also be able to "thank God in all things" to give glory and honor to the King of All Kings, because He lives in me. Ephesians 5:20 "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;"

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