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I would like to share with you a portion of my life that up until recently, I was unable to share with anyone. It is a painful portion of my life, but one that I realize was essential and of God, a place he used to stretch me and grow me into the person I am today . Isaiah 48:10 "Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction". I am a woman who is able to look back on all her yesterdays with thankfulness in her heart to an Almighty God who is able to forgive and able to teach others to forgive themselves also. 

I believe this life lesson has taught me one of the most fundamental truths found in the Bible, that of God's love, compassion and forgiveness on a "stiff-necked" people. Deuteronomy 31:27" For I know thy rebellion, and thy stiff neck: behold, while I am yet alive with you this day, ye have been rebellious against the LORD; and how much more after my death?" And yet, how much are we told throughout the entire Bible, how much He loves those Israelites, even to this day? 

Most especially I learned of Jesus, the greatest teacher who ever lived. He taught me how to love myself again after I was able to forgive myself for having an abortion. 

In teaching me this truth, He brought me to an even deeper understanding of two essential ingredients in the Christian life. One, I was given my life experiences to help others in their walk. 
II Corinthians chapter 1:
1:3" Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 
1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 
1:5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. 
1:6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. 
1:7 And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation". 

Two, it is not about me, it is about God and the love He has for everyone, even "a sinner such as I", John 9:25 "He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.", and that because of that, I can glorify God in all things in my life. Isaiah 24:15 "Wherefore glorify ye the LORD in the fires, even the name of the LORD God of Israel in the isles of the sea." Not BECAUSE of all things, but IN all things, even the refining fire.1Th 5:18 "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 

Years ago, while living in a western state, I had the opportunity to work in a Mental Health hospital. I just worked at the front desk as receptionist, but still had to go through some training in how to deal with suicide and overdose calls. 

On one weekend rotation, I was working the late Saturday evening shift, when we got a call that there was a "slasher" on the way in via private ambulance. I really did not know what to expect, but I was totally unprepared for what I saw. 

A very petite, very young girl was lying on a gurney, her face chalky white against her dark, dark hair. Both of her arms were wrapped from fingertip to shoulder in heavy bandages. Blood seeped through some areas. She looked more dead than alive. 

Her parents accompanied her, one on each side of the gurney. Only one counselor was in the hospital that night, and he went back to take the paperwork, leaving me to stare after the scene as the steel doors shut to the locked ward. 

After he came back from taking the information, I asked him on his way by my desk what a slasher was. He then explained to me in graphic detail exactly what had happened to this young girl. 

Slashers are self abusers. They carry pain in their hearts, minds and souls that is to them so terrible, that the only way to eleviate that pain is to do something to themselves that is more painful than the memories. Unfortunately, these actions only serve to temporarily ease the pain, not eliminate it completely, thus causing escalating incidents such as I am describing. 

This young girl chose to take away that pain by slashing her arms with a razor blade multiple, multiple times, up and down her arm. I cannot imagine the type of pain that would cause someone to physically hurt themselves to such an extent. 

The memory of that scene haunted me for years. At the time of the incident, my daughter was then about 9 or 10 years old. I wondered if there would be any time in her life where she would choose to dispose of her painful memories that way. In her young life, she had already had enough memories to last a lifetime. Memories of betrayal and upheaval. 

I came to a point where I began thinking of that young girl in a very negative light. The shock and pity I felt initially, turned into a form of repulsion. How weak she was, I thought. How unbelievably barbaric to do something like that to yourself. 

Several days after this young girls admission to the hospital, she was allowed off the "locked unit" and came by my desk several times in search of the vending machines residents were allowed access to. I was in for another shock. This waif of a girl looked absolutely no different from anyone else. Even the way she dressed was not extreme or indicitive of her behavior, her bandaged arms covering her self inflicted wounds were the only signs that anything at all was wrong. 

She was not robed in black, not did she have strange markings all over her. Her hair was arranged nicely and the first time she spoke to me, you could tell she had an upbringing of culture and refinement. She seemed to me to be a nice girl, one I would even encourage my own daughter to strike up a friendship with, had my daughter been older. I am sure there were multiple problems, but on the surface, she seemed like a normal young girl without a care in the world. 

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