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Looking back, I can see that I was truly no different than that young girl. The only exception was that I had abused myself internally. 

Having never suffered any physical or sexual abuse of any kind, I always wondered why it seemed I understood what others were saying in terms of overcoming abuse. I could actually almost identify with them. I could not only sympathize with them, but I felt true empathy. I wondered if God in some special way, had gifted me with a special emotion or feeling for others who were in pain. 

Then, it dawned on me..........I had been abusing MYSELF by not forgiving myself for something that happened by my choice 20 years ago. Other self abuses came along as a result of this one rather tragic choice I made. 

You could not see the bleeding or the scars left from my self abuse of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness, but they were there, creating layers of protection over my heart. 

Have you ever allowed God to open a window into your own heart and soul wide enough to let the truth of His wisdom and light shine through?? 

Sometimes, God will throw the window wide open in a flash, in a moment of time. My window has been opening ever so slightly, by degrees, for a few years now. My good friend and spiritual mother calls this "leaking" or "eeking". Recently, God threw open that window, other windows and all the doors to allow fresh air to blow into my life, clean out the damp, musty smell and allow me to see myself for who I really am. 

There are other ways to "leak". One way to "leak" is in how your painful memories come back to you, gradually allowing you to deal with each one as it comes to you. My husband has been doing this for several years now, and the change in his demeanor, attitude and life has been just as gradual, but just as sure. 

To forgive yourself or anyone else does not necessarily mean to forget. I will never forget the smells, and most especially the sounds, in the room where the abortion I had was performed. The not forgetting can be a reminder of how wonderful God's forgiveness and mercy and grace is. Psa 77:6" I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search". I believe the more you're reminded, the more He wants to remind you of His love and His forgiveness. Isaiah 43:26" Put me in remembrance: let us plead together: declare thou, that thou mayest be justified." Perhaps it is even a sign that you have NOT forgiven yourself, especially if these memories are still painful to deal with. 

I still have the memories; the smells, the sounds; but I do not still carry the pain that used to be brought back to life if I did happen to hear something or smell something that reminds me of that awful day in my life. God has allowed me to replace that pain with gratitude...gratitude for what Christ carried for me that I cannot carry myself. 

Have you noticed how certain memories tend to fade after you've finally resolved or at least come to peace with the situation that was causing you such pain? God's constant reminding, or those seemingly unwanted memories are not meant as a punishment or a form or torture, as the world would have us think. John 14:26" But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." It is His way of getting us to forgive ourselves. It is His way of reminding us that He too has suffered the very same things we have suffered, and that that is enough. 

Then after we have forgiven ourselves, it is the way for us to help others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 can then come alive. We truly can reach out to others and offer them the same hope and comfort which we ourselves were comforted with. 

Forgive yourself the way we forgive others. We are taught even as children to forgive others as we would want them to forgive us. We are commanded in Colossians 3:13 to forgive others as Christ forgave us. "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye". Who doesn't know "the Golden Rule"? 

Many times in our own pious, self religious way we staunchly forgive those in our lives who have wronged us or our loved ones, but don't allow the same forgiveness for ourselves. We then turn around and think we are so self righteous by carrying this guilt or shame. Many call it the "martyr complex", when in truth and according to the previous scriptures, it is simply not accepting the finished work of the cross . We're saying "Christ was not enough, God's love is not enough, I need more than His mercy and grace. Ultimately it turns out being "I will be my own god and decide when my suffering will end, I will put God in a little black box and only let Him out when I have suffered enough or when I decide". 
Isaiah chapter 14:
14:12 "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! 
14:13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: 
14:14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. 
14:15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit." We should always be aware of the sin of pride and self exaltation. 

I find it more than interesting that one of the Greek definitions for the word forgive is "to release, put away, send away ,let go, set at liberty, let depart, dismiss". To me, it makes what ever act that took place that caused the lack of forgivenes a "thing", almost a person. It takes on a life of it's own. The tense of the word suggests that this "thing" desires to be gone from us We are to allow that unwanted "thing" in our lives to depart, we are to send it away, set it free. 

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