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Too often we hang onto that "thing". The longer we hang on, the bigger it grows. The longer we let it hide in a dark corner of our heart, the more it grows restless, wanting release. It begs for release in many ways. By constantly tapping at our hearts and our minds, reminding us that it is there. The tapping becomes annoying, and we generally react with a negative reaction, much the same way we would a sound that gradually becomes louder and louder over time. We finally jump up and yell "I've had it. What IS that noise? I can't take it any longer". 

We become short tempered and nervous. We over react to situations that we normally would not, all because of this annoying sound in the background continually. Think of a leaky faucet late at night. A whining child on an airplane packed with people on an intercontinental flight. Think of the neighbor with the teenage son with the pounding bass in the garage. Think of a constantly barking dog, no one home to quiet it. 

My reactions are not good ones when this type of constant annoyance is in my life. Such is our unwanted resident, unforgiveness. And it doesn't matter if it is self imposed or not, it will annoy just the same. 

This annoyance will eventually effect every area of my life. It may cause me to begin participating in damaging addictive behaviors, in order to quell the intensity of the constant drip, drip, drip of my lack of forgiveness to myself. James 1:15 "Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death". These addictive behaviors then create more guilt, which creates more unforgiveness, which causes more addictive behaviors; an endless, vicious cycle. 

I know this to be true only because I lived that vicious cycle for several years, not even knowing what it was that was causing my own erratic behavior. 

It was not until I read a devotion about the life of Elijah, that I was able to see myself for what I really was. A woman who had abused herself by not forgiving herself for an abortion I had many years prior. 

First, I realized that I am not the only woman who has had an abortion and is regretting it. Satan couches all of his little schemes in slick, glossy lies. John 8:44b "because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it." He told me that I would lose my other children if I didn't have it done, that no one would ever know or find out if I did have it done, that, contrary to everything I had been taught, it was not a big deal, I wasn't really taking a life, I was making MY life better. 

He told me I could not afford to have this child emotionally, that it would "cost" too much. He made me see this abortion as men do, in the "sin of degrees". I was not holding a gun at the head of an actual person. Yet, when I looked at it in retrospect, I had taken a life that had just barely begun. The shame and agony that realization created was nearly too much for me to bear and in one of my blacker moments, I wondered what it would be like to die from taking poison. 

Satan also exploited what I knew was right and used that against me to allow me to commit the ultimate wrong, exchanging one wrong choice for another. The "lesser of two evils" is what I thought I had chosen.. Only the evil was in listening to the evil one. 

Second, he made me think that all I had been taught about right and wrong was "out of date", not current enough for this time we were living in. 'everyone' has abortions, why, it is almost another form of birth control. Pride is what causes us to put degrees on sin........."well, what I did and the reasons I did it for were more noble or not as bad as so and so......" The sin of pride, of self, is what is at the root of this evil and Satan is the original author of that lie. 

Pride is the same basis for other sins such as hate and envy and has the same debilitating effects. Many of us try to drown or medicate or eliminate our memories with all types of man made concoctions. Again, I only know these things and pass them on to you because I lived that walk. Too many of us take our painful memories and instead of using them to help others and to glorify God, we waste those teaching experiences God has allowed us to have by making them burdens...........burdens Christ has already borne on the Cross for all of us. 

And lastly, Satan used the oldest lie in the book. "Did God REALLY say you shouldn't do this?"Gen 3:1" Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" The same lie he whispered in Eve's ear is the same lie today and it still works just as well. I reasoned that it must be all right, we have come so far as a society. Maybe God allows men to invent things like abortion for just such situations as I am facing right now. 

After understanding these things, I was able to look at the cross of Christ with new love, adoration and appreciation. 
Isaiah chapter 53:
53:3 "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 
53:4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 
53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 
53:6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. 
53:7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. 
53:8 He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken. 
53:9 And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth. 
53:10 Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in his hand." If I hurt this bad over something that I had done to myself, how much more pain did Christ feel, when others crucified him for no reason? I was just as guilty of the sin of unforgiveness to myself as if someone had committed a wrong against me and I had not forgiven them. 

And then it all made sense. It really WAS my sins He was nailing to that cross. And that is why I have to forgive myself, or I make the cross that Christ bore of no effect. Mark 7:13 "Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye." All that agony and suffering He went through would be in vain, if I try to undo or redo what He has already done. I want to serve Him and love Him for all He's done for me and I cannot do that with the sin of unforgiveness in my heart. Even unforgivness to myself. 

The most freeing experience of my life was to "let go and let God". A friend recently used the phrase "free-falling into the arms of God". Probably like the feeling you get on a ride in an amusement park, when your stomach is in your throat. A frightening, pulse-racing, fear of the unknown, ultimately replaced with the feeling of acceptance and love, only to be found in the arms of God, at the foot of the cross. 

My prayer is that my bad choice and what I learned from it will be a blessing and a help to those in similar situations as I had. And to also be able to "thank God in all things" to give glory and honor to the King of All Kings, because He lives in me. Ephesians 5:20 "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;"

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