[ Previous Page ]     [ Next Page ]        Page:

I have been contemplating a difficult time in my life, with special focus on a 4 month period of time.

A verse that comes to mind, viewing things from the other side of this crisis, that I would like to shout right in Satan's face, is in Genesis 50:20, "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive."

I have said many times, "God's timing, not ours", in fact, I write it and carry it under every signature line I use, even on e-mails.  God has always intended for certain things to happen in my life. This year, He had to take some drastic measures with me in order for me to let Him work in my life.

In January, I perceived that someone in my life had abandoned me in my time of emotional need. Even though this was not truly the case, but simply a time where God was stretching me,  I became angry with everyone.

God literally had to force me into a position where I would only be able to count on Him, so I could clearly see His soverign hand in it all.

After I had adjusted my life to what I thought was a comfortable level of non-participation and disinterest, which I thought in my own human thinking would protect me from hurt, another even uglier situation occurred in my life, putting me over the edge.

At this point, I felt that not only had a person abandoned me, but that God Himself had "left the building". I literally felt as if I was about to snap.  And in the disinterested intelligence of my own mind, I took myself to the Doctor so he could help me medicate my problem into oblivion.  This was a pattern of behavior I had used in the past and old patterns, especially followed without prayer and counsel, are always easier to follow than new or difficult ones.

I had been here before, done this, could no longer stand the pressure, couldn't escape it, so medication had to be the only answer. I also felt it was the quickest and definitely the easiest answer to my problems.

Yes, it happened to me, the one who wrote and still believes what she said about depression.  I had succumbed to the glitzy tv ads (while watching tv almost non-stop to avoid my problems) and the reasoning of my own mind, an exercise that God calls several times in the book of Proverbs, the way of a fool.

After being on this medication for almost 4 months, I decided this drug was affecting other areas of my life, in a very negative way. The doctor had already explained to me that if I ever wanted to quit taking this drug, I would have to wean myself off of it gradually (looking back, I see this should have been one of my first clues as to how addictive this med was). So knowing this and already having experience under a doctors care of ending a regeime of anti-depressants in the past, I began to decrease the dosage amount.

Not until 5 days later when the withdrawal symptoms became bad enough to become alarming, did I search out a website that told the truth about these types of drugs and the horrific withdrawal symptoms they have for some people. Knowing that I should not trust just one opinion, I searched several of the sites concerning this medication that came up on the search engine. Several of these sites stated that the company that manufactures this drug has withheld all negative and adverse information, which is fully documented in their files, by the way, from doctors and pharmacists, warning of the same unbelievable physical symptoms I was suffering from.

I am sure if the manufacturer printed the warnings and the full effects of the withdrawal, many doctors would carefully examine the benefits vs. the drawbacks. They may hesitate to use this as the drug of choice for depression or anxiety today, without first examining in depth the need for this drug by the individual patient.

Immediately after discontinuing this drug and before the physical withdrawal symptoms began, my mind felt as if it were clearing or coming back to life. I discovered during this period of time that I had literally been numbed to most of reality by this drug during the time I was taking it, without even knowing it, the effects were so gradual.

During this brief window of time, about 2-3 days, I was able to see things with more sharpness of focus, or what I call reality.

When I first began taking this drug, I fooled myself by thinking of this medicated time as a little vacation for my brain.  A well deserved time where I didn't need to care or stress or really think about anything. What a lie of the devil!

[ Previous Page ]     [ Next Page ]        Page:

This page has been displayed 13 times this month, 948 times since January 3, 2005 .