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After this initial withdrawal period,  the truly horrendous side effects literally began to take over my body. I cannot begin to tell you the severity of the pain and disability that encompassed my body. Even sleep brought little relief.  I look back and see that I was far better off waiting for God's voice and timing in answer to my problem, no matter how long that took,  than running  to what I had reasoned in my own mind was the solution. Proverbs 21:2, "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord pondereth the hearts."

I woke up that one morning and finally admitted to myself that I was in a hole of my own making. The only way out was to lean on God.

Looking back now, I can see that the only reason I agreed to take the medication was because of self. I was taught once that selfishness is the closest thing to Satan worship. Greed and selfishness is what got Satan (then Lucifer) kicked out of heaven. He wanted to be like the Most High God.

Remember where God banished him to??? Here. Earth, where you and I live. So this former high angel of God is Prince of the Earth. He has agents and demons who work for him. He does not want anything Holy or Good to survive here in the kingdom God banished him to.

So, he uses we human creatures that God created, who are supposed to love and worship our Creator, for his own ugly purposes. He places slick lies in front of us, that make it look like our lives will be easier if we follow his ways. He uses every medium and popular way of getting his message across that he can think of.

And we fall for it. Not necessarily because we don't love God, but because God has given us free choice. We get to decide who to serve, and if we're not focused on serving God with all our hearts, Satan will find that kink in our armour and slip into that crack and convince us to go his way, rather than God's.

SO, when trouble rears it's ugly head in our lives, we, being human, run to the path of least resistance. Maybe we fight it for awhile, but eventually, many of us look at the easy way out. I did.

I am the one who wrote, believed and still believes that medication that is mind altering is of the devil. I love God with all my heart and all my soul and literally yearn to give back to God just a portion of the good he has done in my life and in my marriage.

But we humans get tired. We forget the goodness of God in the land of plenty. Psalm 27:14, "I had fainted unless I believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." And we begin to depend on our OWN thinking . Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Notice the word own. Which can be translated self. Who is the King of self? Satan. If we fall into the trap of trusting our own thinking, we are guilty of self worship. Just like Satan.

BUT GOD, has made a plan for us to come back to him anytime we want to. He draws us back to him constantly. He uses His powers.  Sometimes just the beauty of a sunset or the laughter of a child. It is the still small voice, (I Kings 19:12, "And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire, a still small voice") that God wants us to hear. 

Unfortunately, in today's society we cannot hear over the shouting of the media. Or we refuse to listen, because in our minds, we have already determined the path that we will take, and our stubborn self will decides it would be too embarassing to turn back to the right. Add to that the statistics and reports that claim we can be healed if we take just the right medication, and our fate is sealed.

The really evil twist in all this, is that at the beginning of taking this medication, things do change for the better. I liken it to drinking or taking illegal drugs. The first few times are fun and enlightening, but then you become a slave to the chemicals you are putting into your body.

You do not notice the subtle changes that begin taking place in your personality. And don't you think that is just the way the devil has planned it?? Would he plaster great big billboards all over the major highways of the county that show me too weak to move, with my 7 year old son having to blow dry my hair because the shower I took left me too weak to even raise my arms or stand, as the side effects of an anti-anxiety drug?

There is a lesson to be learned in all of this. We, as born again believers must take everything to God in prayer - and then wait - until we hear the clear voice of God leading us to do something. We must not lean on our own understanding. Our understanding is so limited by our humaness. I would much rather depend on the God of the universe, the One who created me, than on myself or another created being, a doctor, for the answer to life's important questions.

I must also understand that God will not always answer me when I want him to. He will answer me in His timing, not mine. And just because He doesn't answer me immediately, does not mean He does not love me, it simply means I need to wait for His answer. I complicate things so much, by insisting on immediate answers from a God who "for a thousand years in thy sight are as but yesterday when it is past", Psalm 90:4a. I must remember Isaiah 55:8, when it states, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD."

God has a reason for delaying a request. He is omniscient. He knows our lives from the beginning to the end. He may be saving me from an early death, or health complications due to taking a drug I have no idea would be detrimental to my health.

I will restate: God found it necessary to bring me to a place where I was completely at the bottom, and would only lean on Him,  before I could understand this concept. I pray this little slice of my life will offer hope and encouragement to many and also keep others from falling into the trap of using the reasoning of their own minds in the area of medication, especially anti-depressants and anxiety meds.

Remember, I am the one who wrote the way out of depression was God's way out, not medication. If I was able to slip back into the reasoning of my own mind and medication to eleviate a problem, I am sure others can also.

My advice to those struggling with these issues is this: Find one person to use as an emergency prayer partner, and when those times come up in your life, call that person and ask for prayer for God's will in your life. Ask others as well. Then follow the steps I have outlined in my article on depression. I am putting into practice what I have just suggested, and it is amazing how God will redirect my thinking. No, my problems don't go away overnight, but with God's strength and others encouragement, I can get through trying periods in my life without medication.

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