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I vowed that I would never again allow myself to be in a position where I could be hurt. If I remained standoffish any future false accusations would not hurt. It was also at about this time that I hit a growth spurt and I was no longer the little guy.

My family moved to another town and I assumed that with a new Church and new school my past was behind me; instead my past had run ahead of me. The principal of my new high school let me know immediately that I had been labeled a 'bad kid' and that he would tolerate nothing. In typical teenage fashion, I decided to see what I could do and not get caught. If I got caught, at least the principal wouldn't be disappointed!

I had been assaulted, accused, betrayed and beaten; in my pain I sought escape in the world. Nothing I could do would give me back my childhood or erase my pain. It has been over twenty years since my first assault, yet at times the waves of pain still roll over me.

It would be nice to tell you that everything is blissful in my life, instead let me tell you that God is still working in and on me. When I realized that I could not run from the pain, I returned to the Savior I had accepted as a child. Only Jesus Christ can remove our pain and heal our scars.

I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. God has blessed us richly with a beautiful daughter and two equally handsome sons. The heartache of holding my dead fourteen-month-old son in my arms when God called him home got my attention. I have begun seriously reading my Bible and seeking God's direction in my life. It is my prayer that the pain I have endured will make me a stronger Christian; a better husband and more loving father.

James 1:3-8
"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

The effects of my early molestation and later accusation have left a residue on my life. I do not know what it is like to hold, hug, kiss or show affection to my 20+ nieces and nephews because to this day I am afraid of accusations. I still find myself, in fear, holding back certain touches of love for my own children. I keep a fairly tight lid on my emotions and this effects my whole family, yet slowly, day by day…my heart is opening a little more. I don't have all the answers. I'm not a therapist. I am a victim and I am a survivor…but most important of all, I am a Christian.

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