Titus 2 Men And Women

The Healing Power Of God's Love
Hannah Rose

I grew up in a Christian home, and went to a Christian school. I was saved at the age of thirteen. My parents were faithful church goers. They taught and instilled in me a love for God and for right. They also taught me to love my pastor and because he was the man of God and he needed to be respected. Knowing these things, I believed them and followed their advice.

As a teenager, I highly respected and revered authority. I couldn't stand to disappoint persons in positions of authority. This is where my story starts.

Between the summer of my sophomore and junior year in high school, my parents, in order to make more money, decided to have renters in the basement of our home. These renters were men. One of these renters decided to befriend me. Because of my lack of knowledge and extreme naiveness, I had no idea that the purpose of his intentions were wrong. Soon what I thought was a friendship turned into months of sexual and emotional abuse. Because I was threatened not to tell anyone and I didn't want to disappoint my pastor and parents, I kept the whole incident quiet. During the second semester of my junior year though, I had reached my emotional limit. I could no longer go through the emotional pain and anguish of keeping what had happened quiet.

I went to a teacher at the high school where I attended for help. This teacher told me that everything would be kept confidential. Well, about three weeks later, this teacher told my pastor. My parents and I were called into his office after a church service. At this time, my pastor asked me if what this teacher had said regarding what happened was true. I answered him yes, but I was not given a chance to explain exactly what happened, nor was the story as the teacher related it to the pastor repeated for me. This whole incident was taken as if I had purposely violated the school rule of no pre-martial sex. Because of that rule, I was expelled from school for the remainder of my junior year and first semester of my senior year. There is absolutely no way to describe the devastation of having the above happen in my life. I never was a student that got into trouble. All I was trying to do is get help. Instead of help, I received judgement and punishment, which only caused me to feel bewildered. I WAS, however, able to graduate with my class.

As the years went on, I became increasingly bitter toward the teacher that had betrayed my confidence, and also the person who abused me. The above incident never was discussed again and for all practical purposes, I was left to deal with it myself. It was as if it never had happened. I felt betrayal, guilt, and shame over what happened. So I thought the best way to deal with it was to put it behind me and get on with my life. I went on to college and graduated in 1988. It was there that I met my husband and we were married in July of 1990. We now have two girls who are six and eight.

As I have now found out though, incidents such as the one I had in high school have a way of haunting a person until they deal with it. Because I never dealt with what happened, I was continually plagued with feelings of betrayal due to the broken confidence and guilt because I blamed myself for what happened. I thought that surely what happened was my fault. I had been taught that someone doesn't get punished unless they do something wrong. This created mistrust in me because I never was allowed to explain what happened; and no investigation into the matter was done. Due to these factors, I no longer trusted the authority in our church. I had tried several times to get help over the years; but I never could get enough courage to tell anyone what happened.

After I finally got to the point where I didn't trust anyone at our church, I decided to go for outside help. When I decided to seek outside help; that was when the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart that I needed to deal with these past issues. In January of 2000, I had an appointment with a Christian counselor. During this appointment, I had casually mentioned that something had happened to me when I was a teenager. This counselor asked me if I had dealt with it. I shrugged him off and said no, I just don't think about it. The Holy Spirit though, had different plans for me.

For two weeks after this, I wrestled with the fact that I needed to deal with what happened. Up until this point, it never entered my mind that what happened was abuse. I called the counselor and explained to him how I felt. I then scheduled an appointment with his wife. This started my healing process. For the first time since I was a teenager I finally told someone in detail what happened. It wasn't easy. As a matter of fact, it was one of the hardest things I ever did.

In March of that year, I decided to face the teacher that had betrayed me. He was still working at the high school from where I graduated. I scheduled an appointment to see him. I went into his office ready to tell him just what I thought of him. At that appointment, I was completely thrown off guard when he said that he was sorry for what happened. He even asked me to forgive him! I was speechless. I mean, here I was seeing the person who betrayed me. I was fully prepared to tell him what I thought of him. But yet very humbly he asked for my forgiveness. I couldn't say at that time that I forgave him; but all the years of bitterness and anger harbored against him started to melt.

In July of that year, our pastor was preaching a sermon at a youth conference. It was a sermon that I had heard him preach before, but for some reason this time it touched my heart. In this sermon, our pastor was describing all the pain, abuse and sorrow that Jesus went through before he was crucified. He went on to say that Jesus was betrayed by a friend. He was accused of something that he did not do, and punished for something of which he was not guilty. I realized that I too was betrayed by a friend. I too was accused of something that I did not do. I too was punished for something of which I was not guilty. It was at that time that I realized for the first time since this happened that Jesus was there! He knew how I felt! I always thought and wondered "where was God when all this happened?". Why did this have to happen? Didn't God care? Of course he cares! He cared all along. It was me that had turned away from Him; not Him turning away from me. He had been waiting all that time with outstretched arms for me to turn to Him for the love and healing that I so desperately needed. Because I was so hurt and devastated over what happened, I never was able to see how far I had turned away from God's healing. The only way God can heal us from our hurts is for us to look to Him for the healing and not ourselves. This song below reminds me that Jesus Cares.

DOES JESUS CARE?
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth and song
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows wear and long?
O yes, He cares, I know He cares,

His heart is touched with my grief:
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

-Frank E. Graeff

It was shortly after the above incident, that I was finally able to forgive the teacher that betrayed me. You might be thinking, "I could never forgive someone who betrayed me like you were betrayed". No, in my own power I couldn't, but in God's power I did. I have even counseled with him on several occasions and found his counseling to be very helpful. I believe listening to his counsel completed the healing process of betrayal.

But there was still another part of this healing process that hadn't been addressed. After I forgave this teacher, the Holy Spirit again impressed upon my heart that it was time to allow myself to trust someone at our church. So, I first went to a lady that I knew and had counseled with when I was in college. Instead of finding judgement like I did when I was in high school; I found sympathy and compassion. It was during that appointment that she recommended that I tell our Sunday School teacher. Well, it just so happened that Sunday School teacher was a man. The thought of telling him what happened literally made me ill. After wrestling for a while regarding telling him; I finally gathered enough courage and told him. Again, I found sympathy and compassion instead of judgement. Through a slow process, I eventually regained my trust in my church.

I still though, had not dealt with the bitterness and anger I had toward the person who abused me. To me this person had become a big hideous monster and I was afraid of it. Through the gentle and wise counseling of my Sunday School teacher, I was able to see that what I thought was a big hideous monster turned out to be a pussycat. Because of my fear I had created a monster. I at first wanted revenge for how he had hurt me. I wanted him brought to justice. Because I felt so much shame and guilt over what happened and never went forward to the authorities at the time, this person was never charged with anything. I even started to try and search for him in the hopes of making him pay for what he had done, all to no avail. It was like this person had been wiped off the face of the earth. Then a friend of mine one day recommended that I read Psalms 18. I took her up on her suggestion. As I read through that chapter I started realizing that God is my refuge. He is my strength. He will destroy my enemies. That one chapter changed my whole thinking about wanting revenge. I realized that for me to seek justice or revenge on my own was defeating the process of healing; and would do more harm than good. For the Bible says in Romans 12:19 "Dearly beloved avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is mine: I will repay, saith the Lord."

As of the time of this writing, I can honestly say that I am no longer bitter nor angry at the person who abused me. I believe I have reached a neutral ground regarding that subject. I am still going through the process of healing and I expect I will be for quite awhile. In closing, I would like to give some suggestions and also leave some scripture verses.

1. If you have been abused in any way or form; remember that you are not to blame. It wasn't your fault. I have spent the last 18 years blaming myself for what happened. If I had been told that it was NOT my fault from the beginning it probably would have saved me a lot of pain, guilt and heartache.
2. If you have any children, make sure to tell them that if anyone touches them in anyway that makes them feel uncomfortable they need to tell you right away.
3. If a child does come to you saying the above, believe them. A child will not lie about being molested.
4. If you have had a child of any age that has been abused, by all means seek help as soon as possible. Whether it is from your church or a professional counselor, seek help. If my parents had sought help for me and made me go, I wouldn't have had to deal with these past issues now. The longer a person waits to deal with an issue the harder it takes to get over it. The feelings are much stronger dealing with them later than when they occurred, the reason being is that you have buried those feelings and must bring them up in order to deal with them.
5. Remember that God loves you and is waiting with open arms to heal you, but you must come to Him for the healing. The following are a list of verses in Psalms that have been a great source of comfort and healing for me. I trust that they will be a source of comfort and healing also to you. Psalms 37:1-9, Psalms 143:9, Psalms 144:1,Psalms 147:3, Psalms 71:1-9, Psalms 91, Psalms 141:1, Psalms 40:1-4a, Psalms 51:10-12, Psalms 52:9b, Psalms 55:1-3, 22-23, Psalms 139:23-24

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