Titus 2 Men And Women

Helping Hurting Men Heal:
Christ's Healing Journey For Abused Men In Pain

"No one has ever been faithful to me. I don't trust anyone."
"I don't know how I feel about anything."
"I'm leaving my family."

I hear these statements daily from men. Many men live in their own private pain. Statistics indicate one out of every four boys are sexual abused by the age of 18 in our country today. These are very deep wounds. There are so many hurting boys who grow up to be wounded men unable to give their children what they did not get.

I was one of those men. I am a childhood sexual abuse victim and child victim of living in a divorced and alcoholic home. I don't yet know all the memories of why and how I was abused. Pieces of my wounded past are coming together one by one. As they do, my abused life and wounds are being healed by Jesus Christ. Yours can be too!

Male abuse takes many different forms. It may involve being exposed to pornography or other poisons that lay a foundation for future problems. Or it may consist of some form of being neglected and not taught to be emotionally mature or sensitive to yourself or others. Some forms of this neglect are being overly indulged or spoiled, undisciplined or a variety of other unhealthy patterns in a child's upbringing.

One thing I do know about my abuse is that Christ is healing me. I am coming out of being a victim of my past. There is hope for healing through Jesus Christ and becoming a "Wounded Warrior" -- a "Superstar with Scars!"

All people suffer some forms of abuse and wounds in life. Life isn't fair. In fact, life can be savagely vicious. I meet people everyday whose lives have been torn apart by others. In turn, the lives of those others were just as wounded or worse.

What's the answer? In particular, what is the answer for men who are encouraged in our society to just "Suck it up & be a Man"?

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you are a victim of some form of abuse. Maybe you aren't sure if you are or not, but as you read so far, you felt a connection with what I have described. Your wounds may be worse than mine. Or you may know someone with wounds like these or, based on their behavior, you suspect that they may have possibly suffered a wounded childhood.

Why another book on abuse recovery? Much has been written about abuse but not specifically Christian Abuse Recovery for Men. And especially not about severe abuse and sexual abuse recovery for men. Male abuse recovery is unique and not identical to female abuse recovery.

Women can benefit from reading this too, especially if you are abused or are dealing with an abused male. You can learn and apply and adapt much of this to yourself, or learn to understand and help such a man. You can take the knowledge and questions presented here and use them for yourself or to help other men and women conversationally.

This "conversational approach" is especially helpful with men as we generally do not do self-help reading and writing. We are not usually taught nor encouraged by other men or our society to understand our feelings. Men also experience emotions and express them differently than women. Therefore, we are uncomfortable and many times uneducated in dealing with our emotions successfully.

Reading and using this for yourself or with the hopes of helping someone else may be invaluable. It can give you direction in helping someone you know who will not pick up a book for themselves but will talk to you. Whether for yourself or a loved one, let me offer you a word of hope at this point. Healing is possible. It's not always easy but most things in life that are worth anything don't come easy or cheap. I'm not going to give you some simplistic formula. Life is too complex and the wounds are too deep. But there is hope and I want to be your guide and fellow traveler on your path out of your pain. Let's begin a journey here together out of abuse into healing.

BECOMING WARRIORS OUT OF OUR WOUNDEDNESS

Table of Contents

Private Thoughts
Beginning the Healing
Men are Meant to Win (Not written yet)
Men want Real Power (Not written yet)
Real Power gives True Freedom (Not written yet)

PRIVATE THOUGHTS

" Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Maybe you or someone you love has emotional pain, wounds, or actions from which they need to find freedom. What kind of wounds are you hoping to find healing for? Put a mark by or count in your mind any of the following items that apply:

depression___ anxiety__ erratic sleep/eating___ nightmares___ addictions____ sexual problems____ anger outbursts___ paranoia _____ stomach pain_____ diarrahea____ headaches___ asthma _________
low self esteem___ mood swings__ emotionally numb____

If you have indicated at least three of the above issues as descriptive of the pain you hope to find healing for -- this reading will probably be helpful to you.

Maybe this list has reminded you of specific wounds or areas for which you hope to find healing. I suggest you stop at any point in this reading that you feel or remember something about yourself. Stop and write down what you remember or feel in this book, or better yet, in a separate log or journal.

Move at a slow and steady pace. Sometimes you may read and do a couple pages a week and write one paragraph. The next week you may read only one paragraph and write five pages! We are going for quality over quantity; depth more than speed -- deep healing. We are not "band aiding" callused wounds left unhealed, maybe for years. Again, let me repeat a word of encouragement. There is hope! Maybe we feel like giving up sometimes but healing is possible if we are willing to be honest with ourselves.

BEGINNING THE HEALING

Before we begin, I caution you to deal with your pain and the pain of others gently and slowly. Pain hurts and our hearts may be very sore and wounded even though on the outside we men may appear very tough. But just like a surgeon using a scalpel to remove a deep tumor below a callous, emotional surgery calls for a special touch and special tools. This writing is a special tool for emotional wounds just as a scalpel is for the body.

Where do we begin? We start by being honest with ourselves.

" And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32).

(" Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom." Ps. 51:6 -Danette)

Secrets have real power. They take on a life of their own. And abuse takes on a shaming power in our lives when not faced. That shame gains power with time, like a snowball gaining speed down a cliff, getting bigger and bigger!

We need to be willing to face our pain. God cares about you and feels your pain (1 Peter 5:7); and He wants to heal broken hearts (Psalms 147:3). Maybe that is hard for you to believe. Maybe the concept of a loving, caring father is very contrary to your life experience. It's been said that it's hard to trust that you have a caring Heavenly Father if your earthly parenting was unhealthy. Do you trust or believe anyone can help you with your pain?

How does God care about my pain, specifically? Well, I believe He first handles it with respect and tender loving care. God says some wounds take much time and attention for healing. Sexual and severe male abuse are such wounds.

What does this mean to our journey and pain? First, be sensitive and patient with your healing process. Deep wounds take time to heal and even to confront. Maybe you've experienced a very sensitive physical wound in your life. For this wound to heal, you must treat it gently even though healing may call for tough decisions and painful recovery at times. But tenderness is still very critical.

I am a major coward. My dentist can attest to this. He sees me only once every four years when my wife and kids drag me in with much fear and trembling before the "jaws of death!" But I thank God for my dentist's tender touch every time I run from his office until my next "four-year reunion" appointment.

So it is with our emotional wounds. God is ultimately tender, patient and loving. He is more willing to heal, cleanse our wounds and forgive all our "missed appointments" with Him than we can ever imagine! Christ said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Mt. 11:28)

But this journey for abused people is a treacherous one. I ask you to bear with me and hear me out. As a fellow abuse victim, I know that this journey for me has felt like running over hot coals with glass-cut feet. I know it can be painful and must be walked through carefully.

Specifically, take one step at a time. In fact, I am writing this very slowly, a little at a time (like when I would go back and do paperwork in my dentist's waiting room while the Novocain slowly prepares me for my next layer of treatment).

So we should read this slowly -- it may be one page, one paragraph or even one sentence at a time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint -- if you really want quality. So it is with emotional pain. I recommend you try to set aside a safe place and time to read a small "dose" of this two to three times a week -- no faster. This is emotional "power building and bulk training!" You may be trying to move and deal with old, rusty 500 lb. size wounds that have sharp edges!

I recommend that you read very slowly and ask yourself some simple questions like:

"God, what are you saying to me in this?"
"How does this relate to me?".

Let your mind relax and write down whatever comes to the surface. This is very important. Get a pad or any piece of paper. Write today's date and the page number of this book you are on and write what comes to mind. I suggest putting a "/" at the sentence in this book for reference purposes.

Maybe you have already given up or feel blocked, maybe a little hopeless. May I suggest some additional support to you at this point? I suggest you find a "4S" -- a "Same Sex Spiritual Support Person." The Word says,
"Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." (Prov. 27:17) We all need support. Don't cut yourself off from support. If you don't have a man you can talk to, pray about who can be your "Barnabas" (Acts 4:6, 9:26-28).

Let me also suggest another source of support that you should not quickly dismiss. If you struggle with stress, or hopelessness, or are stuck emotionally, please consider seeing your family doctor and asking for a trial anti-depressant medication. Male depression is more common than presently prescribed and its symptoms are many times masked.

Keep your writing totally private. If you want to share some specific parts of it with others, that's up to you. But you need to be as "emotionally open" as possible and explore your feelings as deeply as possible. Subconsciously, complete freedom through private and safe writing is very valuable. Remember "deep calleth unto deep" -- and deep wounds have deep pains and need deep healing. In my writing, as I have true freedom to write anything that comes to mind, feelings seem to come to the surface for me to address.

I keep a separate, private log or journal no one else reads. It's amazing but true that writing is like "emotional dialysis." In fact, research shows that writing calls into play the use of multiple brain processes. When we do such combined writing and thinking we exponentially release and gain insights into deep emotions we may not have realized where there! So write it down (Habakuh 2:2) and keep it private. Hide it under your mattress, in your car seat, locked trunk, gun rack, wherever. But write it and hide it.

As you go through the rest of this book, circle or "/" anything that hits a nerve with you. Ask yourself the key questions in the upcoming summary and write in your private separate log. Take your time. You and your pain are worth it! We are navigating dangerous and iceberg-infested waters. It's best to go slow and not abandon ship!

If you can't write yet, don't quit. Try talking to someone you trust about what you read and let them help you figure out how you feel. This process is like defrosting a freezer, one layer at a time. And reading, writing or just talking about this stuff is like warm air on an open freezer.

SUMMARY
Step # 1. Go slow. Find a private place and read until you feel what you're reading causes you to remember or feel something personal about yourself. Stop and "/" the sentence in this book.

Step # 2. Write feelings in a private place by asking yourself:

" God, what are You saying to me in this?"
" How does this relate to me and my life?"

Only do this book and process two or three times per week. This will allow you to slowly work through your emotions in the most effective way. I don't recommend going too long or too fast. If we do, we may sabotage ourselves and make this so painful that this book will become a permanent "dust-pile."

(Mr. Robertson is in the process of continuing his book. As soon as Mr. Robertson sends other chapters we will put them on the site. Please check our site Library for books that may help you to continue your healing process. ~~Sharon)

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