Abigail and the Fool
By Jude Andrews

Recently I was asked if there was anything in the Bible about men ruining their marriages since I had written about women who tend to do that. This was a challenge I could not pass up. The Lord led me to Abigail and Nabal. Talk about a man who ruined his marriage, his testimony to his workers, and eventually his life.

All of us bring excess baggage into our marriages. The way we were brought up, and the way we were treated by others is just an example. When we are dating the one we hope to become our spouse it is easy to cover up a lot of this baggage. We tend to control our temper when irritated or if it slips out we cover it up fast with an apology Cupid would be proud of. We mask the real person we are so our future spouse will not be turned off. Plus in the dating and honeymoon stages we are so wrapped up in love and lust it is easier to hide behind tender words.

Eventually who we really are surfaces. How do we avoid this tragedy in our life? There are many ways we are shown little signs by God if we aren’t too moonstruck to see them. Even Christians can bring dangerous baggage into a marriage. This is why most Pastors require counseling before marrying anyone. Is this a foolproof guarantee against a ruined marriage? Unfortunately nothing in our sin sick world is foolproof, but the success rate far outweighs no before hand counseling.

There are some fundamental ways to help protect our marriage. Date at least a year or more before linking our life to another human being. Remembering our sinful condition as well as theirs. It takes awhile but the more we know someone the more we can see certain good or bad traits in them. Getting to know one another spiritually, never physically, should be a priority. II Corinthians 6:14a “Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:…” This includes their passion for Christ. A person may be saved but so as by fire. They may not love the Lord like you do or may not be interested in growing spiritually. Jesus may not be the “Lord” of their life. Pray and ask God to reveal this to you in the beginning of a relationship. It is much harder to see things when we let our heart take over.

Judging if a man is good husband material is easy. How does he treat his mother, sisters, and other women in general? Does he cheat in “little” things? I overheard a pastor telling a group of young people that a good way to judge one another is to play a board game with each other. Does the other person cheat, get angry or intimidate you during the game? These are very telling signals to what kind of person they really are. As I thought about his advice I could clearly see he was right. Another clue, is he honest when dealing with others or does he lie to cover up scheming motives or embarrassing moments? What is his family history such as abuse, alcohol, or other addictions? Even being ignored or put down has immense affect on their outlook on life. How does his father treat his mother? Is there a healthy father image he has been able to follow or has there been no father in the home at all? All of these things mold and make the man. Some choose to change all negativity they were brought up with while others follow the examples they were raised on, even if they hated it as a child. CHECK THIS OUT FIRST!

What about women who find themselves in an abusive relationship? How would you like to be married to Nabal? The name Nabal means, among other superlatives, fool. Nabal was a fool! I Samuel 25:3 “Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.” Caleb loved the Lord and he surely must have taught his children and grandchildren to love Him also. What happened to Nabal? We do not know. Just because the parents or grandparents loved the Lord does not mean future children will love the Lord also. Loving God and following Him is a personal choice. Evidentially Nabal chose not to follow God. Churlish means severe in various ways, cruel, grievous, hard-hearted, stubborn, and according to his name wicked in every way. Nabal was the worse example of a husband I could find in scriptures. Abigail must have suffered immensely under this selfish and cruel man. What was Abigail’s reaction to Nabal’s cruelty? The scripture does not tell us until Nabal’s actions effect others. When Abigail hears what Nabal did to David she immediately takes action. She knows the lives of, not only her family, but also the lives of their hired servants were in danger. Nabals cruelty and selfishness went beyond the border to where Abigail felt she must take over in order to save the innocent. Abigail does not consult her husband because he is drunk. What Abigail does is go to David, fall on her knees before him and take the blame. Wow, What a woman! Then she proceeds to tell David about Nabal. She holds nothing back. I Samuel 25:25a “Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, folly is with him:..” Belial means without profit, worthless, destruction, wickedness, evil and even ungodly. What a description of a man who ruins his marriage. By taking control of the situation and not hiding Nabal’s actions she saved her household and David’s reputation. Abigail took control when she saw the fact that others would be hurt by what her husband was doing. God honored that in her. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” What did God do for Abigail? Abigail told her husband what she did to protect her household and Nabal became as a stone ( probably paralyzed), and ten days later he died. David, soon to be Israel’s king, sent for Abigail and married her. David would be the exact opposite of Nabal in his treatment of Abigail.

We have to take a stand against abuse. God never intended anyone to be abused by his or her spouse. God shows us an example in Abigail that it is proper to get help. God will take care of us if we are being abused, but in His own way. This does not mean God will let every abusive husband die. God has His own way of dealing with an abusive husband who is ruining their marriage. God gave men a responsibility as husbands and they are to follow it. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” The first step is to seek counseling with or without the husband. He is not only hurting you, but everyone he comes in contact with. Like Abigail we cannot allow an abusive husband to continue to abuse.

This abuse can even be found in the church with men who profess Christ as Saviour. Women do not have to accept abuse even for the sake of the ministry. God is able to take care of His church. Unfortunatally, there has been a rise in men in the ministry who have been abusive to their wives and children. Men who stand up in the pulpit and preach against sin on Sunday and beat or berate their wives and molest their children throughout the week. Pastor abuse, if left unchecked, does more damage to the church than an abusive wife or child exposing them. God will NOT be mocked. He says in Numbers 32:23 “…and be sure your sin will find you out.” The church will know something is not right and to try to hide the fact allows the husband to be more abusive which in turn causes more damage not only to the family, but to the church as well. As I stated the first course of action is to seek Christian counsel. A Pastor, deacon, or lay Christian who is abusive must seek correct counsel. Yes, Pride will probably flair up and they may refuse to go, even denying there is a problem, or blaming the problem on you, but don’t accept that excuse. The abused person must not let this hinder them from getting the help they need.

Yes, as we have seen, husbands can ruin a marriage just as quickly as a wife can. God wants us to be Titus 2 Women and if we are being mistreated, especially at home, it will be much harder to fulfill God’s call on our lives. Get help then be a help.

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