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January of 1993 began for me, as it does for most of you, with plans and dreams and resolutions. This year would be even more exciting for us as we learned, much to our delight, that we were expecting a child. It would be our second pregnancy. The first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage eight weeks into the pregnancy in March of 1989. We had been waiting for this pregnancy for over a year and so, we excitedly told people and were making plans of how this little child would change our lives and specifically, my career. However, it wasn't long before I began having unusual symptoms and discomforting pains. After many trips to the doctor, weeks of bed rest, and several ultrasounds which revealed the baby was growing but the gestation sac was not attached to the wall of the uterus, God, again, chose to take our child, this one at the precious stage of 10 weeks. How many times have you wondered what to say to someone who had recently lost a child? Specifically, I want to help you in knowing how to comfort a lady who loses a child through miscarriage or premature birth. However, you can apply these suggestions to any situation in which you are trying to be a comforter. The first thing to remember is that losing a child during a pregnancy is very different than losing a loved one of any age. The reason is, in part, that when you have a miscarriage, you're dealing with physical and emotional pain as well as hormonal changes. When a pregnancy terminates itself, it typically takes six weeks for your body and emotions to adjust to the fact that you are no longer pregnant. God created such a marvelous system for carrying a child and when you conceive, your body sets in motion the adjustments that will take place over a nine month period. When a pregnancy doesn't last nine months, all of those adjustments take place prematurely, causing emotions that are often out of your control. I remember days of crying and being depressed and not being able to control how I felt. Understanding then, that losing an unborn child is very different than any other loss, should indicate that a very different means of comforting is needed from people who care about that mother. Many times, we say things that hurt the very person we are trying to help. We have all heard it said that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. But, how often do we not remember that truth until we have blurted out some words that wound our friend. We often don't realize how we are hurting people by trying to make light of their situation. People need to grieve over any loss. Don't breeze over their grief, grieve with them. Here are some "wrong" things that people say and the responses felt by mothers who have lost a baby:
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