Titus 2 Men And Women

Anger ... Is It Always Sin?
by Sharon Merhalski

Question and Answer by Sharon Merhalski

Comments and commentary by Danette Tucker and Teddi Neevel

I received a letter from a lady I am counseling.  She confided in me the depth of her problem with anger...and that it gets directed toward her husband.  She told someone assured her that she still blames, and is angry with, God for her childhood abuse.  She typed, "I thought I took care of it?? I feel like a total failure! Will I ever change?"

I have counseled this lady for several months and I do not believe she is angry with God.  I believe her problem is a common one that seldom gets taken care of in a manner that provides healing from past pain.  The following is my response to her and then a commentary by Danette Tucker.

Dear ______,

Many years ago one truth set me free from so much internal "stew".....thank you for reminding me of this yesterday. Many years ago my husband taught me a valuable truth and then sent me to my pastor for affirmation of what he taught me:

It is okay to be angry at the sin; to hate--abhor with disgust-- the deeds done to me as a child.  However, it is not acceptable to God for me to hate the one who committed the deeds.

You are right at the brink of freedom . It is time for you to let go and free fall into the arms of Jesus.  Free fall friend trusting your parachute--Jesus--to keep you from hitting the ground.

Remember my talk where I used the picture of Christ knocking on the door? You cannot pray for the peace you long for because God is peace---His name is Jehovah-Shalom---His peace yours for the taking.  Open the door of your heart. You are wasting energy praying for what is already yours to partake of. You are in a wrestling match like Jacob--with God--and you have already been declared the winner. Let me try a word picture here.

Your daughter cut the palm of her hand. It is bleeding and you need to tend to it. She is holding in the pain refusing to cry. Every muscle in her body is tense/rigid. You try to pry open her hand to cleanse the wound of dirt and apply a healing balm and wrap it with a bandage. She is all tensed up refusing to open her hand...afraid you will hurt her more if she lets you start the healing process. She struggles with her muscles tight...until finally she screams from the pain she has been trying to ignore by tensely holding back the tears. She screams and cries as she relaxes-- letting you open her hand, stop the bleeding, cleanse the wound, apply the ointment and bandage it up--so you can take her in your arms and hold her tight giving her peace from the ordeal as she lets this ordeal become a memory.

Friend, you are the green words. I love you but you cannot pray to know any more about the healing process. You cannot pray for God's peace that passes all understanding for it is yours the moment you release the pain/anger you are trying to ignore and scream out acknowledging it.  Then as you relax you will let the Great Physician do His work on your wounds. You have worked at taking care of them but your effort is finite not infinite.  You cannot work the miracle in your life that you are seeking.

I have been exactly where you are with your anger.  I was stuffing anger for the things done to me and/or trying to jelly coat it with scripture and God's agape love. This kept my anger like a pot "on the boil" -- on the back burner simmering -- and one thing done or said and my pot would come to a rolling boil.  Like you friend, my anger would boil over only on my husband. Why did my anger overflow only on my husband? I came to realize that because we were one flesh I loved him and wanted so much for him to understand how I felt inside: I hurt and wanted him to hurt with me...and made hurt happen. This is an immature human response. Has one of your children ever gotten hurt and hit her sister -- just because? Children easily do this. Child-based thinking, responses, and emotions do this too...just like I did.

"This is the classic human reaction of an abuse survivor. It is part of the ‘I can’t stand to be in my own skin syndrome’ that results in self-abuse and lack of trust. To simplify this, the person who has not turned their anger from the abusers onto the sin will follow a cycle of actions. ‘I hurt and you don’t understand,’ ‘You say you love me so you should feel my hurt,’ ‘I boil over in anger on you...now you hurt,’ ‘I shouldn’t have unloaded my anger on you,’ ‘I don’t deserve to be loved,’ ‘This time you won’t forgive me and you’ll leave.’

"This is not righteous anger at the sin but continuing abuse and self-loathing. For some women this cycle of action can be directly followed with their hormonal cycle. For other people it will cycle with the moon. Now, I know that sounds strange and I don’t know why it works the way it does (That’s a question I’m saving for God.) but our English words ‘lunatic’ and ‘lunacy’ come from the word ‘lunar’ or moon. People who work in law enforcement and the medical field know that when the moon is full there will be more emergency calls dealing with erratic behavior than any other time of the month."

---Teddi Neevel

I was counseling a woman whose pastor/husband hurt their family with his perversion.  The woman is a very sweet and meek person. There was so much hurt for her and her children when it all came out into the open. One day in my office I told her I wanted to hear her get angry....honestly show her anger at the deeds done to her and her children. She was shocked at my saying this. She had jelly-coated her life... touting scriptures to me for months. I waited...one tear...then another tear...then Niagara Falls. I got up and sat beside her on the couch and put my arm around her shoulder and listened to her.  Like my husband had done for me I hugged her and listened to her spew bottled-up vehement anger at the evil deeds done by her husband...and then further back from her childhood of abuse and cover-up. Like I had done, I heard her name the things she hated...name them with bitter, painful disgust. And like me, when the pot that was always just below the boil finally cooled off -- the venting removed the source of heat -- she found peace to the depth of her soul. Hurting people have got to dig out the roots of hurt and anger to heal...or the tree will sprout and grow again. "This is crucial and it must be done with trust and without judgment. Sadly, many people who haven’t been abused think that had it been them, they could or would have done something differently. Even if they don’t voice their judgment they are often condescending in their demeanor." Teddi Neevel

When Jesus found the money-changers in the temple did he gather them around and calmly, sweetly, give them a verse of scripture and kindly --- politely -- encourage them to leave the premises? No! He had righteous anger for the deeds they had done...and He rid the temple of them.  Likewise we need to rid our temple/our bodies of the "money-changers" -- all that is dishonoring/hurtful to God’s temple...our bodies.

Job 11:18  "And thou shalt be secure (trust, confidence), because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig (pry into, delve, explore; dig, paw, search out, seek) about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest (place of refuge, trust, hope) in safety." (word definitions from the Strong’s Concordance.)

When someone has an infected wound that scabs over and starts to heal, the infection starts to spread out in a circle under the skin. To heal properly the scab has to be removed -- constantly peeled away -- until all of that infection drains away and the wound heals from the inside out. When that happens there is complete healing. Righteous anger is an infection that must be allowed to drain...the scab that hides it must be peeled back so that the infection can be faced and allowed to drain away. And this verse in Job tells us we are to dig; pry, paw, search out and seek those things in our lives that are keeping us from our "rest" in Christ and with ourselves.

Can anger be a positive emotion?  As an example: To this day I can start talking about the car accident that took my senior year of high school and feel some anger. I can start talking about the teenager’s dad who was a city councilman and "fixed" all of his son's traffic tickets so his son would not lose his license. And I can still get very angry at what that father did that almost killed me, crippled and mentally impaired his son for the rest of his life and killed his son's best friend. Now, am I angry with the father? No. I am angry at the deeds of unrighteousness done that prevented his son from learning responsibility for human life. This kind of righteous anger can be positive fuel to cause humanity to reach out to others and fix situations -- like Mothers Against Drunk Driving.  My anger over the deeds done to me adds some fuel to my desire to counsel and help others with the truth of God's healing.

Commentary by Danette Tucker:

God made our emotions -- ALL of them. And, since God created our emotions they are all GOOD. God Himself is angered by sin and He tells us to be angry and sin not -- so this is possible. Anger is an emotion God made for our protection -- it is instinctive when we are wronged. This "should" motivate us to remove ourselves from a position of being wronged -- just like the feeling of pain motivates us to remove our hand from the hot stove. But when we're in a situation where we cannot remove ourselves from the wrong or change the circumstances, and we bury that anger because there's nothing constructive to do with it, it is ALL stored up. Every minute of all those years of righteous anger are bottled up. They don't just go away. Sooner or later, they WILL vent inappropriately if not vented appropriately. And when they are vented inappropriately they are also not diminished. It is merely overflow from a boiling pot - with plenty more fire buried in there to boil over again next time. Your suggestion is exactly right. God can't bring healing when we're keeping our emotions bottled up. To heal that hurt the anger HAS to come out and be experienced, taken to God in honesty -- and THEN He will apply His healing love to that wound.

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