Maybe that little girl could have then had the freedom and comfort to say, "Daddy, we need to take our temperature!" (Or "Daddy, I need you to listen to me...or play with me...or read to me...or hug me.")

Pertinent fact:  Studies indicate that the average woman speaks roughly 25,000 words a day, while the average man speaks roughly 12,500.  Implication:  Many men use up most of their words during the day at work and seem to want to rest their minds at home; many wives still need to talk, so their needs are not met and the wives may withdraw and put up barriers and walls. (From counseling women I know this is a monumental problem for wives whose husbands work in offices and in interactive jobs, i.e. doctors, policemen, businessmen, pastors, etc.  Men need to be aware of the differences in word power but women also need to be aware of the problem as stated here.   I have suggested to many women with husbands who have talked out their quota of words---or who are just not interactive men-- to go during the day and visit a shut-in, or make a hospital visit, or a counseling call.  Every church is needy for Titus 2 Women to teach other women and this does not have to be in a classroom.  Most of my teaching has been done in a woman’s living room or at her kitchen table...or in a restaurant over breakfast or lunch.)

Necessary responses to this difference:

1. Be aware of this difference
2. Ask, "what can I do to meet my mate’s need for communication? "(For women I strongly suggest that you make yourself available as much as possible when your husband is home.  Try not to receive telephone calls after your husband comes home.  Stay off of the computer whenever possible.  Sit with him as much as possible...even if he has a newspaper in front of him---grab a book and be available if he wants to share a thought or talk about a news item.  Try and read the newspaper first and have a point of interaction while he reads.  Make yourself available as much as possible.)
3. Men, conserve energy and words for communication at home.  Men should deliberately save some of their word power for their families.

II.  Implement a deliberate plan.

1.   Select both a setting and time to communicate.
   "All healthy relationships are a function of schedule and skill."
   
   ---Tom Barrett.   (And the more we do it the easier it gets. For many women I have talked to, the first half hour after the children go to bed is a good time to have a meaningful chat.  I do not believe this may be the best time to have an in-depth correct something conversation that may run the risk of your going to bed angry.)
2. Plan to block out TV, the newspaper, the barking dog, and other Distractions or disruptions. (This may prove to be a challenge...putting the remote control to the television in the mail addressed to yourself may be an option...C:  )
3. Preplan a regular ‘when and where’ for communication.  (Some suggestions:  A favorite restaurant, a tea tray with snacks in the solitude of your bedroom, sitting at the kitchen table with a container of ice cream and two spoons, or on a porch swing after the kids are in bed.)
4. Commit to two elements each time you get to your communication time and place: 
   EXPRESSION---AND---LISTENING WITH UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE  (Think about what the expression on your face is saying to the other person...love, anger, impatience/patience, disgust, joy, etc.  And purpose to listen with understanding and love...not just hearing but intently listening with deep compassion and empathy...making intermittent comments that tell the other person you are hearing and thinking about their words.)
5. Work your plan; adhere to it.  (My pastor said this should be just as important as going to church!   I agree with him for marriages are crumbling all around us on a daily basis and children are falling away from our faith and practice I believe because of lack of communication with parents---which is often due to a lack of time spent with the parents in meaningful communication.)

III.  Study the three components of a complete message:

1. Thoughts
   What message do I desire to send?
   What data to I want to convey?  May include my perceptions,     ideas, values, and biases.  (Pray about your motives for the conversation and get those right with God and then plan the message.  Search your heart for selfishness and anger.)
   This aspect deals with WHAT WE THINK ABOUT and what we are talking about.  (And this can be a written list.)
2. Feelings
   Feelings are emotions like fear, pride, joy, sadness, frustrations, betrayals, rejection, anger, anxiety, anticipation, contentment, depression, etc.
   
   When we express our feelings we become more vulnerable.
   
   This phrase or component will sound like "I feel_______."
   
   When we follow the expression of our thoughts with a feeling statement we can communicate a powerful message.
   
   (I thought an example would be a helpful tool here. Example:  "Your words said about me to your friend we demeaning to me.  They made me feel stupid and dirty."
   
   The feeling conveyed reinforces the statement with a powerful word picture.  (Ladies be very careful here in choosing your word picture---your "I feel______". Make sure the feeling and picture coveyed don’t provoke a response about your being over emotional or hormonal.  An example: "The garbage man came and you forgot to take the trash out..  I had to run out with my bathrobe and slippers on.  I am so upset that I feel like I want to jump out the upstairs window!"    I can see this causing eyebrows to raise and eyeballs to roll in their sockets while your hubby heads for the garage or the remote control !!!)
3. Expression of needs.
                    The person revealing his or her heart, seeking to be understood,
                     Needs to say what he or she needs the other person to do.
                     "I need you to listen to me."
                     "I need more information so I can understand your hurt."
                     "I need you to say that you care."
   
   Remember that anything short of  WHOLE MESSAGES  (thought + feeling + expression of need) runs the  risk of sabotaging the relationship.
   
   (How many times in years gone by have I stated my thoughts to my husband or children...even added how I felt and never expressed my need.  Then later lamented that no one was ____________for me.  I remember talking to my children stating my thoughts on a matter they were not doing right...sometimes void of my feeling and my expressing need---my need for them to do this or that to correct the situation.  I also remember wondering why they had not done what I never asked them to do.)

IV.  Commit to active listening with the other person.  Tune into the Message and  "keep your ears on"

(Many years ago---with the dinosaurs when I was in a college communications class I heard a phrase that has stuck prominently in my heart ---"Listening is becoming a lost art".  I believe this is the reason many hurting people do not express their pain---it is hard to find someone to just listen!  I know this has been true in my life...especially when our son was so ill.   People need us to listen...for in hearing ourselves talk a situation out in detail we more often than not solve our own problems and find our own solutions to a situation.  This is why psychologists get paid so much money---to let people solve their own problems by hearing themselves talk it out.)

V.  Develop an understanding of the differences in communication Styles between people.

1. The journalistic style:  main point first in synopsis; straight to The point.
2. The novelist style:  a slow unfolding with all the details; main Point LAST.
   
   (It is a given that my husband will lovingly listen to every word I say IF I speak to him in a journalistic style...short and to the point.  In doing much reading on the subject I understand that 99.9% of the male population and impatient teen-agers listen best this way.  So ladies, be mindful of your excess verbage if you want your husband to be all that you want him to be in a meaningful conversation.  Don’t make him state "and what’s your point?" the point he lost in the third chapter of your twelve chapter conversation.)

VI.  Look at the unspoken as well as the spoken message. Dig deeper Than the spoken word."

(Some people do not believe that our body language can be read...but I believe that it can to a great extent. The Bible says we are a living epistle known and read of all men. Read the unspoken words that people ‘speak’  More often than not you can tell by the way a person sits or stands if he is listening to you or not.  You can also tell by the look on a face if  anything you say will be heard.  Notice the unspoken word and     save much anger and disappointment by scheduling the conversation at another time..)

I trust that this outline will be a help to you as you endeavor to communicate with your husband, children, friends and those who come to you and simply need someone to really listen....listen with the heart and not just the mind...or worse, just with their presence. 

Sometimes I get very concerned---not only about the lack of real communication with the spoken word but also about the volumes of e-mail sent every day by all of us with a computer.  At least by telephone people can hear the emotion in voices...and there can be an immediate exchange of emotion or ideas.  In what we now call land letters there is a certain amount of emotion that can be conveyed in handwriting...or the stationary we choose, or the poems we add....or quotations. ..or in the speed of a letter returned to us.  E-mail affords no face to look at, no style of handwriting, no sound of a voice, or choice of stationary.  Communication is a very personal part of our lives and I fear it is becoming as lost as the art of listening.