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III. Study the three components of a complete message:
- Thoughts
What message do I desire to send?
What data to I want to convey? May include my perceptions,
ideas, values, and biases. (Pray about your motives for the conversation
and get those right with God and then plan the message. Search your
heart for selfishness and anger.)
This aspect deals with WHAT WE THINK ABOUT and what we are talking about.
(And this can be a written list.)
- Feelings
Feelings are emotions like fear, pride, joy, sadness, frustrations, betrayals,
rejection, anger, anxiety, anticipation, contentment, depression, etc.
When we express our feelings we become more vulnerable.
This phrase or component will sound like "I feel_______."
When we follow the expression of our thoughts with a feeling statement we
can communicate a powerful message.
(I thought an example would be a helpful tool here. Example: "Your words
said about me to your friend we demeaning to me. They made me feel
stupid and dirty."
The feeling conveyed reinforces the statement with a powerful word picture.
(Ladies be very careful here in choosing your word picture---your "I feel______".
Make sure the feeling and picture coveyed don’t provoke a response about your
being over emotional or hormonal. An example: "The garbage man came
and you forgot to take the trash out.. I had to run out with my bathrobe
and slippers on. I am so upset that I feel like I want to jump out the
upstairs window!" I can see this causing eyebrows to raise and
eyeballs to roll in their sockets while your hubby heads for the garage or
the remote control !!!)
- Expression of needs.
The person revealing his or her heart, seeking to be understood,
Needs to say what he or she needs the other person to
do.
"I need you to listen to me."
"I need more information so I can understand your hurt."
"I need you to say that you care."
Remember that anything short of WHOLE MESSAGES (thought
+ feeling + expression of need) runs the risk of sabotaging the relationship.
(How many times in years gone by have I stated my thoughts to my husband or
children...even added how I felt and never expressed my need. Then later
lamented that no one was ____________for me. I remember talking to my
children stating my thoughts on a matter they were not doing right...sometimes
void of my feeling and my expressing need---my need for them to do this or that
to correct the situation. I also remember wondering why they had not
done what I never asked them to do.)
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