Titus 2 Men And Women

I Learned To Forgive
by Sharon Merhalski

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Like so many other survivors of abuse I had many strongholds to tear down in order to experience emotional and spiritual wholeness. When I was fourteen years old and knelt at an altar to get saved, God dealt with me about letting go of the hatred in my heart for my mother. I made the decision to do so before I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour.  However, remaining buried were negative emotions which impeded my ability to forgive. 

I tried for years to forgive while comfortably harboring anger and bitterness in my hardened heart.  I lived believing what is sometimes called a "Blanket Forgiveness" teaching : just decide to "forgive and forget" and do it without repenting first for sinful emotions.  I know from experience that this "Blanket Forgiveness" teaching is dangerous, for it kept me in bondage to unforgiveness.

To begin the process of forgiving an abuser, I believe a general understanding of how they become hardened to the point where they intentionally hurt others is a truth that will help lead to the resolve of anger and bitterness.

Man is in constant contention with his fallen sinful nature 1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

Satan is at work in the world and controls the actions of evil men to the degree that they surrender parts of their lives to him.  Satan takes advantage of every opportunity to blind people to their real needs and rather directs them towards carnal lusts by deceiving them.  Man’s sinful nature, rejection, and probably abuse from others, combined with the activity of Satan can lead a man into any form of cruelty imaginable. 

"Imagine the private hell an abuser must go through when he or she puts to death the natural feelings of compassion.  It is not easy to suffocate the natural love that a woman has for her infant, but it can be done.  It is not easy to erase the natural affection that a father has towards his children, but it can be squelched if the children interfere with his active pursuit of his own lusts.  Every time an individual turns a deaf ear to his conscience and follows his perverted desires, it becomes easier and easier to repeat that behavior.  Eventually, there is no feeling left.

Thus we must regard the abuser as a victim---a victim of his own lusts, bound by selfish desires and hostility.  If we knew the truth about such people, if we knew what abuse they had endured, if we understood their apparent helplessness to cope with the pressures of life---then our anger could more easily turn to sympathy."  Doris VanStone , "No Place To Cry"  Pastor David Atkinson recently taught me that with that sympathy, compassion/pity needs to replace our anger and bitterness until  we no longer desire hurt for the person that we are commanded by God to forgive.

Mat 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

One of the definitions for the word ‘debtors’ in the Strong’s Concordance is: "one who has not yet made amends to whom he has injured;" God is telling us in this verse that we should pray and ask Him to forgive our sins AS we forgive those who have injured us and have not made amends.  I do not believe I ever prayed that way concerning my mother.  For too many years I  asked God to forgive me of my sins without forgiving the one who owed me a debt---injured me.

When I looked back at my mother’s life with the eyes and heart of an adult it was the turning point in my healing process.  When I was able to see her as a miserable, bitter product of her choices to allow her childhood and environment to form her life actions, I was able to start forgiving her for those actions.  I was then able to let compassion/pity fill the spaces in my mind and heart that the release of my anger and bitterness had left void.  I did not excuse her actions; they didn’t suddenly become unimportant, but I was able to see them as the out growth of the bitter circumstances of her life.  And believing Romans 8:28 to be true, " And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.....", and realizing that the good spoken of in this verse is first the good of others, I was also able to take steps forward to live with thanksgiving for the "all things" that afforded me empathy and compassion for hurting people.

In my quest for emotional healing in Christ many answers to my questions came out of much Bible study, sermons, seeking and hours of pastoral counsel. Some of those questions that I sought answers for were: How do we  learn to forgive with these negative and destructive emotions of anger and bitterness (which are natural and practically inevitable results of abuse, especially when it occurs when we are too young to handle it maturely)?  How do we learn to forgive injustice without wanting revenge?  Is forgiveness possible when the one who hurt us never asks us to forgive them?  What is forgiveness? And what is not true forgiveness?

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(The following resource was given to me by my pastor and I use it as an outline for the body of this article.  I do not use it in its entirety. I have added a lot of scripture and  my text is in  [brackets].)

Do-It-Yourself Relationship Mender

By Dr. Gary Rosenberg

Heart Preparation

Mat 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

Mat 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

--Clear your own heart.  Ask God what He wants to teach you.

Psalms 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Job 6:24 Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred.

Job 34:32 That which I see not teach thou me: if I have done iniquity, I will do no more.

--Seek direction from Scripture and prayer. 

Psalms 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

Psalms 139:24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

---Adopt an attitude of restoration rather than strife or self-vindication.

[Restore yourself with God first and then with others.]

--Look for the underlying causes of the conflict. What sins, issues or unresolved tensions may be at the root of the problem.

Hebrews 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;

--Be prepared to name and address the consequences of sin.

[If it sin on your part...as harboring bitterness, anger, or hate:

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If there are consequences/affects in your life caused by the abuse that need to be healed/changed pray knowing God will change you as you yield to Him.

Psalms 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.]

--Are you afraid of losing some degree of control or power if you should resolve the conflict? [I lived right here for many years.  God wants to make us a new creature with a new mind in Christ but that can oftentimes cause us to fear the unknown.  Many wrestle, as I did,  with the known of who they are and the unknown of  who they will become.]

--Give up your right to revenge and retribution.

[How is this possible?  Surrender your will to the will of God

Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

We can forgive without surrendering our ‘desire’ for justice (closure) by surrendering our past to God, the judge of the universe.  We must believe, and remind ourselves often, that God will repay it all in His time.  His justice will be fully satisfied...without our help.

1 Peter 2:23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:

1 Peter 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

Romans 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.  ---Sharon]

What Forgiveness Is Not:

Myth I

"If I forgive, I also have to forget."

Myth II

"Forgiving him is impossible.  I’d like to see you do it."

Myth III

"I just don’t feel like forgiving."

Myth IV

"I shouldn’t grant forgiveness unless the other person is willing to respond."

Myth V

"Forgiveness means acting as if nothing happened."

Myth VI

"I have to forgive immediately."

FORGIVENESS AND FELLOWSHIP ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS !

Six years in to my healing process and many years ago my pastor taught me the truth of this and in doing so he forever settled my heart and spirit.  In passing  this teaching on  to others,  I see it give peace to those who, like I did, believe that if we forgive we can forget as if the wrong done to us never happened---giving us "never happened" fellowship with our offender.

My pastor helped me to understand that forgiveness brings some degree of fellowship ONLY if a bridge of fellowship is formed:  Only if I reached out to my mother with forgiveness AND she reached back to me in repentance, asking me to forgive her, could such a bridge be built.  When I realized that I had in total frustration with myself been trying to make an impossible relationship/fellowship happen without her repentance, God gave me peace and assurance that caused me to  finally accept that my part in forgiving was all that I could be responsible for. I almost killed my spirit hating myself for always failing at this.

He also taught me the truth of:

 Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

I had to come to the realization that what "lieth in" me was planted there by my mother and nurtured and watered to grow a harvest according to the seeds she had planted.   If I plant thistle seeds in my garden this spring, and nurture them to their growth potential,  I will not grow a sweet smelling rose garden that I can enjoy in my later years...I will have a garden of thistles.  I had been trying to be the rose garden that my mother wanted: One which she continued in my adult years to cultivate as a garden of thistles by berating me and ‘slapping me down’, (as my brother put it so well), every time she drew me in and we started to develop a mother-daughter relationship. ~~Sharon]

What Is Forgiveness?

FORGIVENESS IS CHOOSING TO RELEASE THE OFFENDER.

[I want to emphasize Dr.Rosenberg’s use of the word "choosing".

Everything in our lives is a matter of our choice.  It is our choice whether or not we become a Christian.  It is our choice whether we ever surrender our wills to God.  It is  also our choice whether we ever say yes to the question Jesus asks:

John 5:6 When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?

Wilt thou be made whole?  God’s name Jehovah-Rapha is promised healing but our accepting His healing is our choice.]

--TRUST GOD [instead of trying to figure it all out which is what I hear from many that I counsel.]

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

--CANCEL THE DEBT---Matthew 18:21-35

Mat 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Mat 18:22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.................

Mat 18:35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

--Realize that it is a hardened Sclerotic (physically hardening) heart that will not let go.

[Psalms 95:8 Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness:

Provocation in the Strong’s Concordance means strife, contention

Temptation  in the Strong’s Concordance means despair, testing, proving, trial

Eze 11:18 And they shall come thither, and they shall take away all the detestable things thereof and all the abominations thereof from thence.

Eze 11:19 And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

Eze 11:20 That they may walk in my statutes, and keep mine ordinances, and do them: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

And hardening our hearts is a "destable" thing to do for it is direct disobedience to God.---Sharon]

FORGIVENESS IS VALIDATING THE OFFENSE.

"Don’t ask, Don’t tell" is NOT a Biblical solution. 

--Recognize and acknowledge the hurt.

Psalms 77:6 I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.

Psalms 77:7 Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more?

Psalms 77:8 Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?

Psalms 77:9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.

Psalms 77:10 And I said, This is my infirmity......................

"Forgiveness is not an emotion but an act of the will.  We can choose to forgive, whether we feel like it or not....

The fact that so much of our life was ruined because of the abuse we   received is difficult to accept, and it is rare to "feel" like forgiving those who have hurt us.

[First, after confessing and forsaking our anger and bitterness, we need to acknowledge our sin of unforgiveness, knowing that by not forgiving we are committing the sin of judgement  We need to claim I John 1:9 believing God will also cleanse us from this sin.]

Then we can say, "In the name of Christ I choose to forgive!"  even when every fiber of our being resists.  Because God commands forgiveness, we must forgive.  He will give us the grace to do what He commands."  --Doris VanStone,  "No Place To Cry")

--Face the pain.  Do not repress it.  Work backwards from the pain to forgiveness. 

2 Corinthians 2:7 So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.

2 Corinthians 2:8 Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.

2 Corinthians 2:9 For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things.

2 Corinthians 2:10 To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ;

2 Corinthians 2:11 Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices

--DO NOT RATIONALIZE OR EXCUSE THE OFFENDER’S BEHAVIOR...FORGIVE IT!

Genesis 50:20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good,....

--CHOOSE TO FORGIVE

Luke 23:33 And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.

Luke 23:34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP RESENTMENT.

--Genesis 50:15-21 and verse 19-20

Genesis 50:19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?

Genesis 50:20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

Genesis 50:21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

Remember that forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment.  Also remember that the decision to forgive is never to be based on whether or not the offender DESERVES TO BE FORGIVEN.  No one DESERVES to be forgiven

Romans 3:10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

Romans 3:11 There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.

Romans 3:12 They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

--Remember that resentment feeds anger and keeps our healing from being complete. It impairs our understanding and judgement, undermines the healing of our hearts, our lives. Proverbs 18:12-14, 19

Pro 18:12 Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour is humility.

Pro 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

--The Lord Jesus let go of His rights.  Philippians 2:4-7

Phi 2:7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

FORGIVENESS SETS A PRISONER FREE.

--Who is really the prisoner?

"When you release the wrong doer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life.  You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself."  --Lewis Smedes

--Forgiveness releases both the offender and offended.

FORGIVENESS IS AN ACT OF GRACE.

--Define forgiveness as an act of grace, unmerited love.

[Grace is God’s bestowing on us what we do not deserve.  Mercy is withholding from me penalties and judgments I do deserve.]

View forgiveness  from that perspective.  We can’t work for it.  We can’t jump through the right hoops to earn it.  We can’t perfect our performance so that we deserve it.

GRACE AND FORGIVENESS ARE,  BY DEFINITION, UNDESERVED AND UNEARNED.

"The free gift of the Father’s forgiving love is, the pattern for His children in their forgiveness of one another." "--F.F. Bruce

We don’t offer forgiveness with any conditions.  We don’t offer it because we feel like it.  We offer it because we make a decision in our will to do so.  Ephesians 2:4-9

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Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I have had many people say to me that this sounds like the right thing to do because God tells us to do so, and forgive. Then many ask, " how can I end such powerful emotions?" My answer is that it is always just a decision---our choice to confess them to God as sin and then forsake them. Then the application of God’s Word and prayer needs to be used to renew our minds. " Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Life’s choices are just a decision of our hearts and minds. They can be right decisions if we apply truth/scripture to each one.

While reading through some of my journal pages I found a letter written to my pastor. It is dated November, 11, 1986...just a little over two years after that unforgettable autumn night when God opened my heart and helped me to remember...so that I could begin to heal. I want to share part of that letter with you so that you can see that healing is not an instant process. Healing is not a "forget it now and go on in peace" process. This letter was written in response to a sermon he preached that God used to stir my heart.

"Preacher,
The day that I announced that I hated my mother I wanted to ask you if I was going to make it through this. I had definite doubt....I have kept my promise to you---I have sought the Lord and I have listened. I am still listening.

It is different with my mother, both times that she called last week I grabbed "  Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."  and hung on...while kind of squinting my eyes because I don’t exactly know what that verse entails. The Lord gave me peace. No anger or bitterness. Hurt? Yes. I am thankful for the definite difference in me.

I have one nagging question. I don’t have the bitterness, the anger, even hate for the deeds done. I don’t feel shame or guilt, or forgiveness for her. I have asked the Lord often, How do I forgive her? I have a way of punishing myself for failure...and I have tried to forgive her.

The Lord took and shook me with  Luke 17:1-4 "Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offenses will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

Thank you for preaching God’s Word. I thought of your sermon all day yesterday. I read my notes over and over after church last night. I also got up very early this morning seeking for an answer....not an excuse.........

I don’t want excuses. I want right answers. I sense I have been trying to make myself forgive what Biblically I cannot. When I settle that question I can let this go. I want to be absolutely right with the Lord in this before I start dealing with it one day at a time. I don’t want past problems to affect things future.

I remember telling you that this is harder than any physical illness. I found a scripture and a quote in one of your books on counseling...in a chapter on people like me. I did some reading while taking a coffee break from doing your typing.  "Pro 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear? Painful emotions are more serious than the pain of a serious disease. The right spirit within enables me to bear physical pain, but what is there to sustain one with a broken spirit crushed in pain?" .............

With my heart bowed, if the Lord will allow me, one day I hope to have something to say that can help others hurting in silence.  First those healing words, "I understand", and secondly, "God IS Enough."

There were some  truths that helped me to keep focused on my path to freedom from the bondage of unforgiveness.

 First, realizing that my allowing negative emotions to control me in any way was a waste of my health and my strength.  By doing so I kept wounding my spirit, and grieving the Holy Spirit. I had read an article stating that  it is a medical fact that inner stress from negative emotions suppresses the immune system. Realizing the useless, hopeless, and damaging consequences of holding on to anger and bitterness helped me to do as God asks when He says to "put away" these things. (Several years later I had several medical doctors confirm this: They assured me that after putting the anger and bitterness away, and settling this matter of forgiveness for my mother, God had been able to restore much health and strength to me.)

I then purposed to make forgiveness a desire of my heart. I grew to realize that my trying to forgive out of duty just did not work. Even after I released my anger and bitterness, forgiving in my own strength proved futile.  So as I purposely sought God for His enablement, so that I could Biblically forgive.  Then the need to repeatedly forgive when memories were triggered and current events caused hurt became unnecessary: forgiveness being a desire of my heart opened my mind fully to God’s renewing process.

The biggest part of the strong hold of unforgiveness was torn down when  I obeyed God and fixed my eyes on the things of God and others,

Colossians 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

God caused me to realize that in the scheme of eternity He wanted me to use these "all things" of my life for His glory.  God desired for me to reach out to hurting people with the comfort He had comforted me with (II Corinthians 1:4) making a difference (Jude 22).  And the first person He asked me to reach out to was my mother...my abuser.

I had never counseled women that it was always necessary to  have a time of loving confrontation with the person who hurt them until my mother died. 

Almost sixteen years ago I obeyed God and went to my mother in love.  I  did not name the sins, the specific pain that she inflicted, but I did tell her that I forgave her for all of the hurt of my childhood.  I told her that I was not angry, nor was I bitter.  I told her that I loved her with the love of God and would do anything to meet a need for her the way God expects us to take care of each other.  I was calm and very kind.  Unfortunately, my open heart was met with anger---hate and accusations.

Because of the hurt she inflicted with her anger and words, I questioned my actions that day for several years thereafter. The experience made me often question if confrontation is a needful part of the healing process.   When my mother died I learned how needed it is when I realized that my doing so gave peace with the fact that I had done all that I could to obey God and heal the relationship. Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

I am so thankful that I did try to restore my mother in the spirit of meekness. It is wonderful not to have any regrets.

Finally, recognizing the Sovereignty of God is crucial for every Christian, and especially for the emotionally damaged child of God.  Forgiveness comes easier when we see that God always had us in His heart and in His hands. My being able to "see" that He allowed the evil caused by my mother’s sinfulness for my ultimate good,  enabled me  to "see" that ALL of the threads woven through the tapestry of my life was for good.  In His providence, God made me a vessel that could desire to be used, and could be used if He so chose, for His glory!

I have so often told others that I have observed two kinds of Christians:

Those who never "see" and believe the Sovereignty of Almighty God: Those who live their lives fretful, worried, nervous, anxious, untrusting and defeated.  Then there are  those Christians who seek until they do "see" the goodness of God in the land of the living and believe that truly He does work all things for good.  This "good" that He provides is first for the  good of others and then for our good.  God is Sovereign and in absolute control of ALL!   However, may we also remember that God is the MASTER of the "all things", God is NOT the AUTHOR of the "all things".  Man’s sinfulness and depravity author much.  Our privilege and responsibility, by God’s grace, is to use those "all things" to comfort and make a difference for others.  And our ultimate goal should always be to glorify our Awesome, Merciful, Gracious, and Loving God with a living epistle that He perfectly authored, scripted, and sealed unto the day of redemption.  For truly, if this is the attitude of our hearts, who won’t we be able to forgive?

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