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I remember telling you that this is harder than any physical illness. I found a scripture and a quote in one of your books on counseling...in a chapter on people like me. I did some reading while taking a coffee break from doing your typing.  "Pro 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear? Painful emotions are more serious than the pain of a serious disease. The right spirit within enables me to bear physical pain, but what is there to sustain one with a broken spirit crushed in pain?" .............

With my heart bowed, if the Lord will allow me, one day I hope to have something to say that can help others hurting in silence.  First those healing words, "I understand", and secondly, "God IS Enough."

There were some  truths that helped me to keep focused on my path to freedom from the bondage of unforgiveness.

 First, realizing that my allowing negative emotions to control me in any way was a waste of my health and my strength.  By doing so I kept wounding my spirit, and grieving the Holy Spirit. I had read an article stating that  it is a medical fact that inner stress from negative emotions suppresses the immune system. Realizing the useless, hopeless, and damaging consequences of holding on to anger and bitterness helped me to do as God asks when He says to "put away" these things. (Several years later I had several medical doctors confirm this: They assured me that after putting the anger and bitterness away, and settling this matter of forgiveness for my mother, God had been able to restore much health and strength to me.)

I then purposed to make forgiveness a desire of my heart. I grew to realize that my trying to forgive out of duty just did not work. Even after I released my anger and bitterness, forgiving in my own strength proved futile.  So as I purposely sought God for His enablement, so that I could Biblically forgive.  Then the need to repeatedly forgive when memories were triggered and current events caused hurt became unnecessary: forgiveness being a desire of my heart opened my mind fully to God’s renewing process.

The biggest part of the strong hold of unforgiveness was torn down when  I obeyed God and fixed my eyes on the things of God and others,

Colossians 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

God caused me to realize that in the scheme of eternity He wanted me to use these "all things" of my life for His glory.  God desired for me to reach out to hurting people with the comfort He had comforted me with (II Corinthians 1:4) making a difference (Jude 22).  And the first person He asked me to reach out to was my mother...my abuser.

I had never counseled women that it was always necessary to  have a time of loving confrontation with the person who hurt them until my mother died. 

Almost sixteen years ago I obeyed God and went to my mother in love.  I  did not name the sins, the specific pain that she inflicted, but I did tell her that I forgave her for all of the hurt of my childhood.  I told her that I was not angry, nor was I bitter.  I told her that I loved her with the love of God and would do anything to meet a need for her the way God expects us to take care of each other.  I was calm and very kind.  Unfortunately, my open heart was met with anger---hate and accusations.

Because of the hurt she inflicted with her anger and words, I questioned my actions that day for several years thereafter. The experience made me often question if confrontation is a needful part of the healing process.   When my mother died I learned how needed it is when I realized that my doing so gave peace with the fact that I had done all that I could to obey God and heal the relationship. Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

I am so thankful that I did try to restore my mother in the spirit of meekness. It is wonderful not to have any regrets.

Finally, recognizing the Sovereignty of God is crucial for every Christian, and especially for the emotionally damaged child of God.  Forgiveness comes easier when we see that God always had us in His heart and in His hands. My being able to "see" that He allowed the evil caused by my mother’s sinfulness for my ultimate good,  enabled me  to "see" that ALL of the threads woven through the tapestry of my life was for good.  In His providence, God made me a vessel that could desire to be used, and could be used if He so chose, for His glory!

I have so often told others that I have observed two kinds of Christians:

Those who never "see" and believe the Sovereignty of Almighty God: Those who live their lives fretful, worried, nervous, anxious, untrusting and defeated.  Then there are  those Christians who seek until they do "see" the goodness of God in the land of the living and believe that truly He does work all things for good.  This "good" that He provides is first for the  good of others and then for our good.  God is Sovereign and in absolute control of ALL!   However, may we also remember that God is the MASTER of the "all things", God is NOT the AUTHOR of the "all things".  Man’s sinfulness and depravity author much.  Our privilege and responsibility, by God’s grace, is to use those "all things" to comfort and make a difference for others.  And our ultimate goal should always be to glorify our Awesome, Merciful, Gracious, and Loving God with a living epistle that He perfectly authored, scripted, and sealed unto the day of redemption.  For truly, if this is the attitude of our hearts, who won’t we be able to forgive?

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