Titus 2 Men And Women

Communication With Teenagers?
by Sharon Merhalski

My husband and I had the opportunity to raise two wonderful children...and they were even wonderful when they were teen agers.  We watched many other parents struggle and grieve over their relationship with their teens and thanked God every day for the relationship God helped us to seed and nurture with ours.

Our lines of communication did not happen by accident. As their mom I had heard many good bits of advice and teaching when my children were young. As I prayed for God to lead, guide and direct me as a parent, He helped me to make those “good bits” part of my parenting.  There were actually three major modes of action that had a profound influence on my nurturing my children to adulthood and those I will share in this article.

First, I believed God.  When my children were just a few months old I saw rebellion in my children and decided I did not want rebellious teens.  One of the best Christian teachers I ever met told me “Remember, as your toddlers are so will your teens be.”  So, as a very young mother I decided to obey and believe God and “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6).”  I disciplined wrong action and wrong attitude equally. (Have you ever known God to be able to use a stiff-necked rebellious person?) I promised God I would not raise rebellious teens and rebellious spouses.

Second, when I was in college I had a government teacher that had a profound way of thinking before he answered a question.  He let us know he was giving each answer his very best shot at being right by standing still, with one hand under his chin, looking very contemplative.  Each answer was preceded by this stance and a pregnant pause...sometimes for a long time.  When the semester first started this was annoying but we all soon learned to appreciate the thought that was given to our questions.  I have never forgotten this and it always comes to mind when I read the following passages of scripture: (words in (  ) verses are definitions from Strong’s Concordance.)

“Without counsel purposes are disappointed (made none affect, fail, frustrate, make void): but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.” (Proverbs 15:22)

 “And the apostles and elders came together for to consider (examine closely; perceive, be sure, see, understand) of this matter.”  (Acts 15:6)

How often do we hear the phrase, “Think before you speak?”  How often did I say this to my children?  My government teacher—and years later God--taught me that it is always best to stand still, counsel with myself (or with others), so that I can give an answer that will be the best one—the correct one-- for the person asking the question.

For Christians I believe this passage of scripture gives us an excellent example of this conduct:

Act 15:6  And the apostles and elders came together for to consider (examine closely; perceive, be sure, see, understand) of this matter.

Act 15:8  And God, which knoweth the hearts, bare them witness, giving them the Holy Ghost, even as he did unto us;

If I stand still and contemplate my answer I can counsel with scripture and words of many wise people stored in my memory.  And doing so helps me have time to pray and gives the Holy Spirit time to bring it all to my remembrance to formulate just what I need to say.

The third bit of information that I took to heart was something I heard Dr. James Dobson say over thirty years ago: “discussion gets weak—or dies—when there is an atmosphere of defensiveness.  In situations where defensiveness is anticipated, or if we live with someone who is quick to jump to the wrong conclusion about things said to them, write a note and state that you would like to talk to them about _________ and give the day and time.”  This sounded childish when I heard it.  However, in over 30 years of employing this suggestion I can tell you it absolutely works very well...with spouses, teen agers and in every kind of relationship.

When my teens wanted to talk to me I listened without interruption.  I gave no negative words, even when I heard something and my heart screamed at me “You must get them to see this is not right!”  If it wasn’t something that needed an instant fix I just let them talk.  This non-combative atmosphere let me hear their concerns, blessings, frustrations, growing wisdom and learn about their friends.  I do remember a few times when a conversation ended and I would go to my bedroom and get on my knees and pray, “HELP GOD!”  But those were far and few between.

When these “heart to heart” conversations were over...or sometimes when I had overheard a matter I wasn’t supposed to hear...I would “consider” the matters that needed adjusting.  I would counsel with God, my husband, myself and sometimes with an older mentor...who had raised her children to the wedding ceremony.  I would then write a note to my teen with a plus-minus-plus content:

(+) I would praise them and tell them I appreciated something or just them.

(-) I then I would state that I had prayed and sought counsel over a matter they told me about, or I knew about,  and I would like to talk to them—giving them the day and time. 

(+) Then I would praise something else they had done or just them for a godly character trait I loved.  The plus, minus, plus system.

Did this always diffuse defensiveness and anger?  99% of the time.  It let my children know mom and dad had talked to God and each other about this matter, and if needed, counseled with an older godly Christian(s) before advising them—with scripture--about what to do or not do.  It helped them live Heb 13:17,  “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.”  My children grew up appreciating their parents for purposefully working at watching for their souls by being in contact with God and seeking the leading of the Holy Spirit.  And our home was blessed with peace and love.

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