My daughter is an adult now...an assistant pastor's wife.  But though she is an adult "mom sense" is still asked for once in awhile.  For several years some "mom sense" given seemed right because it was what I had been taught.  Recently I searched the scriptures on the matter and let the Holy Spirit speak to me and teach me.  I am going to leave this in the format I sent it in to my daughter.  I truly hope this answer to a question sent in to me helps many know the heart of God in our having friends.

Hi Dear Daughter,

This is part of a letter that I received asking for my counsel.  Several months ago I studied this situation...and remembered all of the times I have counseled you wrong on this subject.  I want to share the truth with you. 

Question:

Sharon........The Lord is good  and mighty.  I have had to deal with some hardships and learned some lessons in being a Pastor's wife this week that I am still searching God's will about....I am being told because I am a Pastor's wife I can not show my friendship to any one woman more than another.  That I understand, what I don't understand is how certain people have told me that I should not email any of the women within the church, I should not call them unless it is for a prayer request, and I am supposed to keep a distance between myself and the women.  I struggle with this as the Lord tells us in Proverbs we are to be friendly to have friends, yet to me this isn't being friendly to stop emailing, or calling when this is something I have always done.... now I have to stop being myself....I didn't realize being in the ministry means one should give up their own idenity to serve the Lord. 
Please, do you have any advice for me?

Answer:

Hello....Not too many months ago I realized how very wrong this philosophy is and how ordered it is in too many churches. I hope I can explain this well.

First, if someone becomes jealous over a friendship it is their choice and not your problem.  True and healthy friendship is loving people, wanting and working for their best--their good--and wanting and allowing them to grow as a person and as a Christian.  I believe God uses friends in our lives as we do Miracle Grow in our gardens: Friends are the nutrients that help us to grow more beautiful and strong. When we deprive our gardens of the needed nutrients the soil quickly gets depleted of those needed growth nutrients causing the flowers to get sickly, spindly, and then fail to bloom.  I believe this is a perfect word picture for friendships.

Just because you are a pastor's wife does not exempt you from needing what God ordered that we should have in our lives--friends. (I am remembering the story of David and Jonathan.) It is in the Bible how many zillion times?  Mark 5:19  "Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee."

Luke 15:9  "And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost."

John 15:13 "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

To be told that you must isolate yourself as a person is not normal nor emotionally healthy for you....and can become a control tactic. If you pull away from your friends others will humanly think you have gone into some deep sin...or you are mad at everyone, in depression, going to leave your husband, rob a bank, whatever.  Remember no matter what you do or what you say someone will try to take a hoe and rid the garden of you.  If you do not have friends you will be labeled as thinking of yourself as superior--arrogant.  If you have friends you will be touted as playing favorites.  Satan will make sure it is a no win situation. 

One of our writers--Danette Tucker-- recently wrote the following:

God intends the leadership of the church to lead by modeling service, humility, etc.  If the leadership withdraws from people it "teaches" the body to do the same.  It's not only bad for the pastor's wife -- who needs that Heb. 3:12-13, 10:24 encouragement and accountability, she is lonely and feels unloved when God never intended that -- it's also bad for the body who are being taught by example that "we don't share."  When pastors' wives don't socialize, other than superficially, there is a whole spirit of superficiality in relationship among the women.  It's very difficult to reach past those walls, and yet you know that there are lots of hurting women beind them (including the pastors' wives!)

Hope this helps.

Sharon and Peter "I ate the canary" Merhalski

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