Titus 2 Men And Women

Can I Say "No" To My Husband?
by Sharon Merhalski

A couple of years ago I listened to a lady pour her heart out to me for the third time. Each time I heard her say her husband wasn't this or that, or he was this or that, and I listened. When she finished I asked her this question, "Are you and your husband sharing a bed and intercourse?" She looked shocked and replied with a hearty and adamant, "NO, of course not!" After this revelation she took a defensive posture and talked to me like I was nuts…after all, with all he was or wasn't she wasn't going to give him sex.

This situation was not the first encounter I had with this scenario and I'm sure it won't be the last. And before I begin I want to say that I am not talking about marriages where the husband is abusing the wife. In these situations the wife needs to go to Matthew 18:15-17 and ask God and her pastor to help her do what is necessary to protect her and/or her children and for her husband to get the help he needs. 

I'm not going to go into psycho-babble and/or use words that few would understand. I'm going to present what I believe and read in the Bible is God's heart in this matter and talk to you with Scripture--talk to you as God asks me to--as a Titus 2 Woman. "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5 

Do we believe God's Word is our final authority? 

"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you." Deuteronomy 4:2
"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him." Deuteronomy 4:2
Matthew 4:4 "But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." Matthew 4:4
"And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God." Luke 4:4
"But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him." 1John 2:5. 
"For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven." Psalm 119:89

Whether we are emotionally well or have been emotionally damaged by grief in our lives: abuse, rape, death of loved ones, bitterness, God's Word is settled in Heaven…forever.

God gives the husband and wife definite positions in marriage.

Ephesians 5:22-23 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the
Husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the
body." As a Titus 2 woman God commands me to teach women to be obedient to their husbands.
Many women have come to me in the last 20+ years for advice, but ultimately, many really wanted me
to re-define the word "submission." Since the word submission is used in the Bible and I cannot re
define the Word of God, I will give you the definition as found in the Strong's Concordance: be
obedient; submit self unto.

When I was in my 30's and in a healing process from a childhood of abuse I didn't think I could submit myself to my husband; to his wishes, desires, passion, needs-physical and sexual. One Sunday morning during a sermon our pastor said, "God never asks you to do what He hasn't already enabled you to do." Phi 4:13 I can do all things through (a position of rest; give self wholly to) Christ which strengtheneth (empower, enable) me. The key is the word "through"…through Christ with a position of complete rest/trust/faith giving my self wholly to Him in complete surrender to His will.
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living
sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this
world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and
acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Romans 12:1-2 

"And be not conformed to this world:" Regarding this issue of "can I tell my husband no?" I believe Godly submission is a major problem…ultimately a person's conformation to the world, rather than true submission. I often say the older women in the church are facing younger women who were adversely affected by the "me" generation…what I call the "I'll do it my way" generation of women. Add Humanism (I am my own god-in charge of me), women-empowering talk shows, magazines, books, television shows which portray husbands/men as stupid and women as intelligent and power driven, and the consequence is many of our Christian marriages and families are far removed from what God intended them to be. If a woman chooses to marry and made a vow/promise to her husband to love, honor and obey him in all conditions of life, she is bound by God to do so. I can't say it any other way and be right with God. If a woman wants to "do it her way" and "consider men weak bafoons" she should not ever marry and de-position her husband from God's given position in a marriage. This makes both of them live outside of the perfect will of God. 

When I married my husband I made a vow to a one flesh covenant relationship. I made vows/promises to my husband before God and witnesses. And God has some definite and serious things to say concerning our making a vow.
"If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth." Numbers 30:2 
"When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee." Deuteronomy 23:21 
"When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay." Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 

I have counseled many women who thought that once they were married they could surely change their husbands. I think the most profound statement I have read in the last couple of years is this truth: "Marriage is meant to be a relationship not a remodeling project." The only person I have the power and responsibility to change is me. And "me" is the problem…self is the root of all sin. I stated above that submission in the Strong's Concordance means: be obedient; submit self unto. For a wife, "submit self unto" means to die to self in complete trusting obedience to God--in submission first to God and then to her husband--so Christ can enable her with His strength to be in His perfect will. ln doing so we can be called a friend of God. John 15:14, "Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you." 

Again, when I was in my 30's this was a problem-causer for me. I didn't trust people and I didn't trust God. The people whom I had needfully submitted to as a child had hurt me or didn't protect me from that hurt. Submission was my sticking point for I had vowed at six to never trust anyone with me ever again. And in stubborn rebellion I had kept that promise to myself. God says I was contentious, "But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth" Romans 2:8 We are contentious if we do not obey His truths…all of them.

My bondage from my past was broken and healing from the intense pain of my yesterdays started…started…when I surrendered myself to God and to my husband. John 8:32, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (liberate)."

Jesus asked the man at the pool of Betheseda, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The infirmed man could have stayed lying on his bed, knowing he had no leg and back muscle strength to raise himself up…after all, he had never walked. Or he could trust God and obey…and see God enable him to rise and walk. The choice was his and the choice was mine. God wanted to heal me and make life well for me…just as he is waiting to do for all of His children who will obey His voice…His Word.
"Whether it be good, or whether it be evil, we will obey the voice of the LORD our God, to whom we send thee; that it may be well with us, when we obey the voice of the LORD our God." Jeremiah 42:6 

Recently I watched a counseling video which taught the truth that the whole marriage is a reflection of the marriage bed. When I took control of my marriage bed my marriage was not right with God. When I was in control of my marriage bed I was in control of my marriage…trust me I was. I was so steeped in selfishness, "my needs, my time, my plan, my way, if, when…and if ever." I uttered the words to myself, "My husband doesn't ____.", "He does______.", "He is_____.", "He isn't______." And in the process I hurt my husband because I was selfish with me…trying to make myself belong to me. I was dwelling on circumstances nursing a victim mentality…and making my husband a victim of mine. God has the answer for this kind of situation, "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" 2Corinthians 10:5 

But I have problems from my past.

I have heard "trigger" used as a valid reason for a wife to sexually withhold herself from her husband. I have had triggers that sent me mentally and emotionally flying back to my childhood of abuse. But I can tell you emphatically that there is nothing God cannot heal if we give it to Him to heal…whether our spouse cooperates in the process or not. When I put myself in God's hands--in His perfect will for me as a woman: In full surrender/submission to God and then to my husband--God step by step healed me from the things that triggered the memories wrought with pain. As God renewed my mind with His Word His truth healed me from that pain. 

The second step in this healing of triggers to flashbacks was my release of all bitterness for those who had hurt me and for my husband who didn't try to understand any of it. (And for those husbands who do help with this part of a healing process, the process is much easier.) I had to come to the understanding that my obedience to surrender my 'self' to God and His truth to prefer others better than myself…"preferring one another"…was my responsibility and the healing salve to all of my relationships. And this applied to my marriage first. "But if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto thine adversaries (to cramp, i.e. confine. Bind up; lay siege; assault.) Exodus 23:22 And indeed, as I opened my heart and surrendered my "self" to God, He did take care of all of those things in my heart that confined me, bound me up, caused strongholds in my life. And when I submitted to my husband's headship of our marriage, gave him honor and gave him "me" as I had vowed to do, God put our marriage in his perfect will. 

God built and wired men and women differently. 

My husband has needs and a physical design that requires him to need a release of seaman. And he is built in such a God-fashioned way that he can experience pain if his need is not met. Yes, intercourse is far more to a marriage than just sex. But the ground work for the "far more" connection of intercourse is laid in the unselfish giving to each other in every way including sex…in that God-ordered "one flesh" connection. "…she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." 1Corinthians 7:34 

Many wives have complained to me about grouchy hard to live with husbands. More often than not I learned that she was not meeting his physical sexual needs. And more often than not she didn't care about any discomfort he may have…but she sure complained about his disposition.

Can I say, "no" to my husband? 

Yes I can. But, can I be right with God and say, "no" to my husband? I'll let you answer that question after reading and considering all of the Scripture I just quoted and the following quote, verses and passage of Scripture.

"Many today teach an unbiblical view of submission which I will refer to as the "mutual submission only" view.  Their belief is based on Ephesians 5:21 which states, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God."  They say that this is a general command to all Christians.  They also say that the next verse which instructs wives to be submissive to their husbands no longer applies as that was a cultural practice in Paul's day.  "Only the mutual submission still applies today"....this view is common today because of the humanist influence in our society."  (Becoming A Titus 2 Woman by Martha Peace)  

May I point out that Ephesians 5 is not the only passage of scripture that teaches a wife's submission to her husband is God's perfect will.  Peter taught exactly the same truth as Paul in regard to the relationship of husbands and wives.  "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;" I Peter 3:1  The concept is not one of subservience or servility, but of willingly functioning under the husband's leadership.

In over twenty years of counseling women I have heard and seen what western society has swallowed and digested.  I have watched a society adopt a sexless society that the unisex movement started in the 1970's.  I believe the blurring and almost total removal of all human distinctions was designed by Satan himself to undermine legitimate God-ordained authority in the home, the government, the school and even in the church.  

"As he spake these words, many believed on him. Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;" John 8:30-31 
"That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac," Deuteronomy 30:20

Consider this passage in light of marriage.
Colossians chapter 3: verses
12. "Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 
13. Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 
14. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 
15. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 
16. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 
17. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. 
18. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 
19. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 
20. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 
21. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 
22. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: 
23. And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; 
24. Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. 
25. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong."

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