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I have counseled many women who thought that once they were married they could surely change their husbands. I think the most profound statement I have read in the last couple of years is this truth: "Marriage is meant to be a relationship not a remodeling project." The only person I have the power and responsibility to change is me. And "me" is the problem…self is the root of all sin. I stated above that submission in the Strong's Concordance means: be obedient; submit self unto. For a wife, "submit self unto" means to die to self in complete trusting obedience to God--in submission first to God and then to her husband--so Christ can enable her with His strength to be in His perfect will. ln doing so we can be called a friend of God. John 15:14, "Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you." 

Again, when I was in my 30's this was a problem-causer for me. I didn't trust people and I didn't trust God. The people whom I had needfully submitted to as a child had hurt me or didn't protect me from that hurt. Submission was my sticking point for I had vowed at six to never trust anyone with me ever again. And in stubborn rebellion I had kept that promise to myself. God says I was contentious, "But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth" Romans 2:8 We are contentious if we do not obey His truths…all of them.

My bondage from my past was broken and healing from the intense pain of my yesterdays started…started…when I surrendered myself to God and to my husband. John 8:32, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (liberate)."

Jesus asked the man at the pool of Betheseda, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The infirmed man could have stayed lying on his bed, knowing he had no leg and back muscle strength to raise himself up…after all, he had never walked. Or he could trust God and obey…and see God enable him to rise and walk. The choice was his and the choice was mine. God wanted to heal me and make life well for me…just as he is waiting to do for all of His children who will obey His voice…His Word.
"Whether it be good, or whether it be evil, we will obey the voice of the LORD our God, to whom we send thee; that it may be well with us, when we obey the voice of the LORD our God." Jeremiah 42:6 

Recently I watched a counseling video which taught the truth that the whole marriage is a reflection of the marriage bed. When I took control of my marriage bed my marriage was not right with God. When I was in control of my marriage bed I was in control of my marriage…trust me I was. I was so steeped in selfishness, "my needs, my time, my plan, my way, if, when…and if ever." I uttered the words to myself, "My husband doesn't ____.", "He does______.", "He is_____.", "He isn't______." And in the process I hurt my husband because I was selfish with me…trying to make myself belong to me. I was dwelling on circumstances nursing a victim mentality…and making my husband a victim of mine. God has the answer for this kind of situation, "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" 2Corinthians 10:5 

But I have problems from my past.

I have heard "trigger" used as a valid reason for a wife to sexually withhold herself from her husband. I have had triggers that sent me mentally and emotionally flying back to my childhood of abuse. But I can tell you emphatically that there is nothing God cannot heal if we give it to Him to heal…whether our spouse cooperates in the process or not. When I put myself in God's hands--in His perfect will for me as a woman: In full surrender/submission to God and then to my husband--God step by step healed me from the things that triggered the memories wrought with pain. As God renewed my mind with His Word His truth healed me from that pain. 

The second step in this healing of triggers to flashbacks was my release of all bitterness for those who had hurt me and for my husband who didn't try to understand any of it. (And for those husbands who do help with this part of a healing process, the process is much easier.) I had to come to the understanding that my obedience to surrender my 'self' to God and His truth to prefer others better than myself…"preferring one another"…was my responsibility and the healing salve to all of my relationships. And this applied to my marriage first. "But if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto thine adversaries (to cramp, i.e. confine. Bind up; lay siege; assault.) Exodus 23:22 And indeed, as I opened my heart and surrendered my "self" to God, He did take care of all of those things in my heart that confined me, bound me up, caused strongholds in my life. And when I submitted to my husband's headship of our marriage, gave him honor and gave him "me" as I had vowed to do, God put our marriage in his perfect will. 

God built and wired men and women differently. 

My husband has needs and a physical design that requires him to need a release of seaman. And he is built in such a God-fashioned way that he can experience pain if his need is not met. Yes, intercourse is far more to a marriage than just sex. But the ground work for the "far more" connection of intercourse is laid in the unselfish giving to each other in every way including sex…in that God-ordered "one flesh" connection. "…she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." 1Corinthians 7:34 

Many wives have complained to me about grouchy hard to live with husbands. More often than not I learned that she was not meeting his physical sexual needs. And more often than not she didn't care about any discomfort he may have…but she sure complained about his disposition.

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