Titus 2 Men And Women

Abuse! Where Should We Draw the Line?
by Teddi Neevel

Obadiah verse 15, "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen: as thou hast done (they ignored the sin around them), it shall be done unto thee: thy reward shall return upon thine own head."

The staff of Titus 2 are frequently asked to define abuse. This question always causes my hair to stand on end because I know I've just hit the tip of an iceberg. By the time someone gets up the nerve to ask they already know the case they are familiar with is ABUSE. What they really want to ask is; "Is the victim and their family getting the right advice and support?" When the abuse situation is out in the world, we can self-righteously say lock the guy up and throw away the key, or take those kids awa y from the parents. However, when someone is asking us, it means the abuse is or has happened within the church family or in their own extended family. It also usually means that they feel the situation is not being given good counsel.

Abuse may take any of several forms and we have written an entire section for the Titus 2 Men and Women web site that deals with various types of abuse. I'm not going to re-write that material. Instead I want to consider the options of how to deal with the abuser and how to help the victims heal.

I am referring to the abuser in the masculine gender because males are more likely to be violent abusers. I do realize that woman may also be abusers.

In our Christian circles it is common to suggest an abuser see a coun selor, often the pastor. His wife is told to be submissive, to turn the other cheek, to forgive and to allow him to stay in or come back into the house. Many times the family is moved to another city or state to hide from the accusation. That may sound like the Christian thing to do, except for a few practical and Biblical problems.

Very few pastors have been trained in abuse counseling. Unless an individual has been trained specifically or is an abuse survivor there are nuances of abuse that are not understood.

Secondly abuse has nothing to do with how obedient and submissive a wife or child is, it has everything to do with the abuser's lack of self-control and need to feel powerful.

Thirdly, allowing an abuser to stay in or return to the home causes anguish and hopelessness in the victims while enabling the abuse to continue or escalate.

Fourthly, moving covers the sin. Until the man is held accountable he has no motivation to stop and only becomes more deceptive. If the accusation is untrue he needs to trust the courts to publicly declare him innocent.

The Bible is clear on the point that God opposes violence (see Proverbs 21:7, Ezekiel 45:9) and that Jesus Christ warned against those who take advantage of people who are physically weaker (Matthew 18:1-6), yet we are actually promoting a theology that encourages violence when we tell a woman she must learn to "endure" beatings and stay with the abuser.

Matthew 18:15-17 "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican."

1Corinthians 5:1&5 "It is reported commonly that there is fornication (porneia: adultery, incest) among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife. To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus."

Both of these passages are used in the exercise of church discipline. If the abuser is a professing Christian and member of the church, why wouldn't that same discipline be exercised in protecting his family from his sin?

I believe it is also important to consider Exodus 20:5 "Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;"

We often hear "the sins of the fathers are passed on to the third and fourth generation" taught as an attempt to control behavior, particularly in Baptist churches. Let's think about the flaw in this teaching. If this is a guarantee of God...a covenant...then if one man commits idolatry his sons, grandsons, great grandsons, and great great-grandsons will also commit idolatry. Each of these men will also be passing the sin on to his fourth generation therefore; there is no hope. Has God put an unbreakable curse upon mankind with this verse? Of course not! As New Testament believers we are not under the law but under grace. The law of God shows us His righteousness and convicts us of our un-righteousness...our guilt.

Romans 3:19-26 "Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight: for by the law is the knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets; Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God ; To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus."

1John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

When we accept the free gift of salvation the blood of Christ covers all of our sin...past, present, and future. But that sin is not only covered it is forgiven! If God has forgiven my sin; and my sin is covered so He can't even see it, how can He curse my grandchildren with that sin? The answer is that Exodus 20:5b is not a promise or threat, but it is a warning.

How can the sin of one generation effect the following generations? This is based in the principle of sowing and reaping. If you only plant beans you will reap beans and not corn. If you allow the crops you have planted to go to seed, next year (the next generation) you will have a bigger crop.

What one generation silently tolerates, the next generation condones and by the third generation the sin has become openly acceptable behavior. This is generational sin.

In some families we can see generational sin and easily recognize it as sin. Incest runs in families, because the children who are born into the family don't know there are homes where incest doesn't happen...for them it is normal. What about the "little" things...criticism, indifference, silence, demeaning words, un-controlled anger, and the list could go on? If we don't personally choose to break the cycles learned from years of growing up in an abusive home the cycles will continue.

Jesus, was so intense about the need to protect children from offense...abuse, that He told his followers it would be better to drown or to maim themselves than to abuse a child. While we hear the lesson taught of the shepherd who while 99 sheep are safe goes looking for the 1 lost sheep as an example for salvation, if you read this passage in context you will see that Christ is talking about offending...abusing...neglecting children.

Matthew 18:6-14 "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offe n ces come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast in to everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost. How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will o f your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish."

What greater abuse is there than for a child to feel un-loved and in danger in their home? Do you remember the many passages of scripture that refer to Jehovah God as our Heavenly Father? The verses that tell us that God is our Father and He loves like our earthly father loves us? Why would a child who grows up in an abusive home choose to have anything to do with a God who is like their father?

There are three major mistake we see in dealing with abuse victims that will affect the child's entire life. Mistakes that cause relationship and behavior problems for decades to come.

The first mistake is not believing the child. When a child finally gets up the nerve to try to tell what is or has happened and they are ignored, told they are making up stories, or punished for saying such things, the child begins to believe they can't trust others to help them. This inability to trust will follow them until they deal with it in light of the Bible. In the mean time they won't trust family members, friends, their spouse, their employer, or their circumstances. Some of you may be thinking, "Well, maybe it's not a good thing to trust." Did you know that, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." is just one of 46 verses in the Bible that says "Trust in the Lord"? If a child can't trust those he can see, how will he ever trust God? It will only come from intense work to develop a deep personal relationship with Jesus Christ as God heals them emotionally.

The second mistake is not permanently removing the abuser from the home. When an abuser remains in the home, or is returned to the home, the victim loses all sense of security. They may have difficulty sleeping, become deceitful, or skittish. They know their abuser can't be trusted to not abuse them again. Self-preservation causes them to become hoarders and plotters...always having a plan for escape. When they are unable to see a way they might escape, they may do things to make themselves offensive. ie: overeating, bed wetting, failing to bathe, etc. Finally, they often become self-destructive. They are hopeless.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."

Proverbs 29:2 "When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn."

The third mistake is in not allowing, in fact, in not encouraging, the victim to talk about what happened to them and how they feel about it. Assuming that because the victim is a child they will forget, or that the abuse was no big deal is utter nonsense. This is what happened to Tamar and the Bible says a part of her remained desolate for the rest of her life. Her brother wouldn't let her tell her father and her father, when he found out did nothing about it.

Every abuse victim needs to talk. They need to express their anger. Ephesians 4:25-26 "Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:"

When the victim is denied the opportunity to speak, to express their pain and their anger they are forced to stuff their emotions down inside. Those stuffed emotions are like the interior of a volcano bubbling and building pressure. When the pressure becomes too great the victim will erupt in anger. Often lashing out at the wrong person just because they were present when the eruption occurred. Victims who don't deal with the emotions of their abuse often become restless...hyperactive. They can't stand to be in their skin and may feel as though there are worms or bugs crawling on them. In severe or repeated cases of abuse multiple personality disorder is not uncommon. (See the article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in our child abuse section.)

Most victims of abuse go through various emotional stages, denial, anger, grief for the loss of their innocence. As they are allowed to confront their feelings and sometimes their abuser they heal and they will eventually reach the place where they can forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one t o another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

"Forgiveness is first putting away our sins of anger, hatred, bitterness, speaking evil of the person who offended us as we refuse to entertain thoughts of wanting revenge or harm for that person. We must realize God tells us He forgives us in the degree that we forgive our offenders: "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." (Matthew 6:12)

One of the definitions for the word "debtors" in the Strong's Concordance is: "one who has not yet made amends to whom he has injured;" God is telling us in this verse that we should pray and ask Him to forgive our sins AS we forgive those who have injured us and have not made amends. And this can only be done when we regard the abuser as a victim- a victim of his own lusts, bound by selfish desires and hostility. If we knew the truth about such people, if we knew what abuse they had endured, if we understood their apparent helplessness to cope with the pressures of life- then our anger could more easily turn to sympathy and/or pity. But in this process we must remember that forgiveness and fellowship are not synonymous. The Bible says in Romans 12:18 "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." God gives us common sense and where trust has been broken and pain and discomfort have been inflicted we must use what warning flags and fear that have been instilled in us by the actions of others to make valid choices to protect our lives and the lives of our children. "Lay hands suddenly on no man" needs to be employed as a way of life, especially where abuse has taken place. The accepted government statistics are the same for people in the church... the rate of change for abusers is almost none...none. There needs to be accountability as we try to bridge forgiveness and fellowship...and first the one needing forgiveness must be reaching back to us in repentance for that bridge to be formed: We are commanded to forgive- and God enables us to do what He commands--but it takes the reaching back by the offender, in repentance, wanting forgiveness, to form a bridge of fellowship. And then, it takes the building of trust based on common sense of past and present actions. This is not an instant happening." Just Beyond the Shadow of God's Wings by Sharon Merhalski

We are human and forgiveness is not forgetting nor is it trusting. Just because someone says they are sorry doesn't mean they are trust-worthy. The idea that a woman should "forgive" her husband and let him stay or move back into the home is an invitation for trouble. Every state in the United States has legislation that requires child abuse be reported. To allow the abusive parent to live in the home enables him to continue the abuse and it puts the mother at risk of being charged as an accessory and losing her children.

While I have forgiven the man that abused me as a child, if that man were still alive I would not let him anywhere near my grandchildren. Forgiveness is a determination of the will of the offended...an act of obedience, not an indication that the abuser is trust-worthy.

Ephesians 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The nurturing of God is a far cry from an abusive home. Perhaps a verse that is usually used to rejoice over the birth of a child...announcing how very proud the parents are...should be used to end this article. Psalm 127:3 "Lo, children are an heritage of the L ORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."

When we consider the children in our homes, churches, and communities we would be wise to remember that they are not our children...they are in fact the LORD's heritage.

Malachi 2:17 "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words. Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him? When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delighteth in them; or, Where is the God of judgment?" Christians need to stand up and speak out against the sin that is all around us...sin in our churches. Christians have become almost densensitized to abominations God calls sin: pornography, homosexuality, spouse abuse, child abuse, unchecked anger, ___________, ________________, ____________ and lay and clergy participation in any and all of the above. God says that judgement begins in the house of God and Christians everywhere need to stand up and call sin sin and wrong wrong...for if we don't the verse we started this article with is God's truth for us today: Obadiah verse 15, "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen: as thou hast done (they ignored the sin around them), it shall be done unto thee: thy reward shall return upon thine own head."

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