Titus 2 Men And Women

Helping The Abused To Heal
by Teddi Neevel

For Titus 2 Men and Women.org.
http://www.Titus2MenAndWomen.org

Because the majority of abuse victims are girls, I will use the feminine gender in this lesson. However, the steps for healing are the same for either a boy or a girl.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

In order for a child to heal emotionally from abuse she must learn to trust again. When a child’s trust in the parents and family they know is damaged their ability to trust in God is also marred. When they can not safely trust the parent they see, how can they believe an unseen Heavenly Father will do a better job of loving and caring for them?

Job 8:13-15 "So are the paths of all that forget God; and the hypocrite's hope shall perish: Whose hope shall be cut off, and whose trust shall be a spider's web. He shall lean upon his house, but it shall not stand: he shall hold it fast, but it shall not endure."

Rebuilding trust is a time consuming task. The child needs to express what happened to them and how they feel about it without fear of blame or punishment. They may begin to tell you something and then stop, unsure of your reaction. If you are patient and non-judgmental, little by little an abused child will tell you their whole story, if they have been removed from the danger of continuing abuse. A child who is still in fear of continuing abuse is more likely to defend their abuser than to tell the truth. It is very important to allow the child to tell her story in her own words. If you try to help her tell the story you may plant false ‘facts’ in her story. The child may agree with you to win your approval not realizing that she is embellishing the facts. Two pivotal things to remember are:

1. Every child believes that what happens in her home happens in every home. They have no other point of reference.
2. All of the blame for the abuse belongs to the abuser.

The love, care, nurturing and protection of a child are the parent’s responsibility.

Psalm 127:3 "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 "Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates: That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth."

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Since most abusers are family members or close friends of a family member and the abuse often takes place in the home of the child or family member the child cannot feel safe. Sadly in cases of incest the victim is often not believed or in an effort to protect the ‘family reputation’ the child’s abuse is ignored. When the parents fail in any area of responsibility the child is taught a lie. The child is taught that there is something bad or evil about them that allows their parents to fail to meet their need. The child may feel they are too naughty, too loud, too unattractive, too dumb, too clumsy, etc. These feelings are often reinforced by actual words that are said to them. In cases of sexual abuse the child is sometimes told she is too pretty. When the child believes that any of these lies are the truth that belief will become an integral part of her personality and affect her actions and reactions in dealing with other people.

One of the first issues an abused child faces is physical pain. How can such horrible pain be caused by love? If love hurts this much, I don’t want to love anyone or anything. As a way of coping with the pain, it is common for the abused child to mentally escape into a safe place. They may believe themselves to be dead, or away on an island, or floating on a cloud, etc. while whatever pain is being inflicted on them is happening to someone else.

The pain is followed by fear. Fear of  "IT" happening again. Fear of their abuser. Fear of not being believed if they tell. Fear of being taken from their known home. Remember it is common for abusers to actually tell their victim that "IT’ is a secret, that no one will believe you if you tell, that they will take you away if you tell, that another family member will be killed if you tell. The fear is fed and grows until it is the underlying reality of the child’s life. They believe there is no safe place for them to be.

Psalm 56:3-4 & 11 "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me."

False guilt is also frequently associated with abuse. In an attempt to justify her abuser the victim blames herself. She may say something like "If I had locked the door," "If I wore long pajamas," If I had yelled," If I had been really good."  Remember point 2 at the beginning of this lesson? All -- 100% -- of the blame belongs to the abuser.

When the abuser is a family member the victim is confused. One minute the child is treated like a child, the next minute like a mistress. The child is disciplined for childish behavior and then forced to perform like an adult. The child is required to bear the knowledge of adult sexuality but doesn’t understand how or why adults do "IT". The child has permanently lost the innocence of childhood.

Psalm 71:1-5 "In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man. For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth."

An abuse vicitm’s self image is hidden by shame. Shame allows the victim to believe that there is something bad/evil about her that made the abuser choose her.

Psalm 31:1 "In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness."

Not that the act was bad but that she was bad. This is a particular problem when a sexual abuse victim is betrayed by her body and actually feels pleasure during the act of abuse. She is then ashamed of her body’s reaction and believes it is an indication of her worthlessness. A victim must learn that her body’s involuntary response is not consent.

Psalm 25:2 "O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me."

Psalm 25:20 "O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee."

Control becomes the motivating factor for survivors of abuse. Nearly all abuse victims believe that they would not have been abused if they had been in control, that their lack of control caused their pain. Control seems necessary when you don’t know who to trust. Some victims seek to control their life situations with hostility, some build walls, some seek forgetfulness in alcohol or drugs. What an abuse survivor doesn’t realize is that their overpowering desire for control at all times creates a prison that locks them away from freedom and joy.

Psalm 91:1-6 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday."

Trying to escape in alcohol, drugs, sexual promiscuity, running away or suicide never fixes the problem. The victim tries to escape from the painful memories and feelings of shame and guilt but the escape doesn’t work. The only true escape is in facing the memories, the false feelings and learning that 100% of the blame belongs to the abuser.

When a child’s innocence is destroyed by abuse, she loses her childhood. One of the steps to healing is to mourn that loss. Never having been allowed to be a little girl, to learn about growth and development as her body matures is a devastating loss. The grief is as deep as the death of a close family member. There are 5 commonly accepted steps of grief. They are:

1. Denying the loss
2. Anger or a desire for revenge
3. Attempt to negotiate or correct what happened
4. Sorrow that includes mourning
5. Acceptance

 A girl who is abused by someone she knows is riding an emotional roller coaster. She will often hate her abuser for the pain they caused her and yet love them because of the position they hold in her life. Never knowing whether to expect pain or concern her life is a mirage, always elusive and just beyond her reach.

Micah 3:2 "Who hate the good, and love the evil; who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones;"

Romans 7:14-20 "For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me."

With the hate comes anger. If a victim is angry enough it masks the emotional pain. Many survivors plot acts of revenge against their abuser. They may spend hours or days in fantasy about how they will make their abuser suffer for what he did to them. However, anger is very similar to acid, it either eats away at the container or it splashes out on whoever is nearby. Many times a victim will lash out in anger at someone they really love or care about because the individual is too young or small to fight back. This of course, feeds the cycle of guilt and shame.

Job 18:4-8 "He teareth himself in his anger: shall the earth be forsaken for thee? and shall the rock be removed out of his place? Yea, the light of the wicked shall be put out, and the spark of his fire shall not shine. The light shall be dark in his tabernacle, and his candle shall be put out with him. The steps of his strength shall be straitened, and his own counsel shall cast him down. For he is cast into a net by his own feet, and he walketh upon a snare."

Job 18:11 "Terrors shall make him afraid on every side, and shall drive him to his feet. "

Job 18:21 "Surely such are the dwellings of the wicked, and this is the place of him that knoweth not God."

Each victim needs to walk through these various stages of belief, feeling and grief in order to finally heal from her abuse. Each individual walks at her own pace and in her own way. Some will start walking and never look back. Others will seem to be headed in the direction of healing and will suddenly veer off or turn around and run back into their shame or anger. Eventually, a victim who is striving to heal will reach a plateau where all that is left is their anger and hate. This is the biggest issue of all. The victim is justified in their anger and hate, yet the only way to heal and walk past the abuse into healthy relationships is to forgive her abuser/abusers. I have never met a victim who initially wants to forgive her abuser, however part of that problem is in what we believe about forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a victim forgets what happened to her. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a victim resumes a relationship with her abuser. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget about pressing criminal charges. Forgiveness means you recognize that your abuser deserves eternal judgment and tell God that you trust Him to handle the judgment. In other words, you recognize that the abuser deserves eternal punishment, but you also are willing for God to be in control of that punishment.

To have order and peace in life survivors must deal with the issues and heal from the abuse. Victims must learn that real love is never abusive. Secondly, victims of sexual abuse must learn that abuse is not sex and has nothing to do with her sexuality.

Psalm 5:11 "But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee."

Psalm 9:10 "And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."

Psalm 16:1 "Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust."

Psalm 36:7 "How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings"

Psalm 37:5 "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

Psalm 37:40 "And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him."

When an abuse victim is able to walk through her emotions and feelings one by one, she allows God to heal her and restore her ability to trust God and others. Healing from abuse is similar to healing from a physical injury the scar remains but the body is still able to function. When God heals the wounds of abuse He gives the victorious survivor a testimony and compassion that amazes the people whose lives they touch.

Psalm 40:3 "And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah."

Psalm 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

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