Helping The Abused To Heal

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The pain is followed by fear. Fear of  "IT" happening again. Fear of their abuser. Fear of not being believed if they tell. Fear of being taken from their known home. Remember it is common for abusers to actually tell their victim that "IT’ is a secret, that no one will believe you if you tell, that they will take you away if you tell, that another family member will be killed if you tell. The fear is fed and grows until it is the underlying reality of the child’s life. They believe there is no safe place for them to be.

Psalm 56:3-4 & 11 "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me."

False guilt is also frequently associated with abuse. In an attempt to justify her abuser the victim blames herself. She may say something like "If I had locked the door," "If I wore long pajamas," If I had yelled," If I had been really good."  Remember point 2 at the beginning of this lesson? All -- 100% -- of the blame belongs to the abuser.

When the abuser is a family member the victim is confused. One minute the child is treated like a child, the next minute like a mistress. The child is disciplined for childish behavior and then forced to perform like an adult. The child is required to bear the knowledge of adult sexuality but doesn’t understand how or why adults do "IT". The child has permanently lost the innocence of childhood.

Psalm 71:1-5 "In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man. For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth."

An abuse vicitm’s self image is hidden by shame. Shame allows the victim to believe that there is something bad/evil about her that made the abuser choose her.

Psalm 31:1 "In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness."

Not that the act was bad but that she was bad. This is a particular problem when a sexual abuse victim is betrayed by her body and actually feels pleasure during the act of abuse. She is then ashamed of her body’s reaction and believes it is an indication of her worthlessness. A victim must learn that her body’s involuntary response is not consent.

Psalm 25:2 "O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me."

Psalm 25:20 "O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee."

Control becomes the motivating factor for survivors of abuse. Nearly all abuse victims believe that they would not have been abused if they had been in control, that their lack of control caused their pain. Control seems necessary when you don’t know who to trust. Some victims seek to control their life situations with hostility, some build walls, some seek forgetfulness in alcohol or drugs. What an abuse survivor doesn’t realize is that their overpowering desire for control at all times creates a prison that locks them away from freedom and joy.

Psalm 91:1-6 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday."

Trying to escape in alcohol, drugs, sexual promiscuity, running away or suicide never fixes the problem. The victim tries to escape from the painful memories and feelings of shame and guilt but the escape doesn’t work. The only true escape is in facing the memories, the false feelings and learning that 100% of the blame belongs to the abuser.

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