Helping The Abused To Heal

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When a child’s innocence is destroyed by abuse, she loses her childhood. One of the steps to healing is to mourn that loss. Never having been allowed to be a little girl, to learn about growth and development as her body matures is a devastating loss. The grief is as deep as the death of a close family member. There are 5 commonly accepted steps of grief. They are:

1. Denying the loss
2. Anger or a desire for revenge
3. Attempt to negotiate or correct what happened
4. Sorrow that includes mourning
5. Acceptance

 A girl who is abused by someone she knows is riding an emotional roller coaster. She will often hate her abuser for the pain they caused her and yet love them because of the position they hold in her life. Never knowing whether to expect pain or concern her life is a mirage, always elusive and just beyond her reach.

Micah 3:2 "Who hate the good, and love the evil; who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones;"

Romans 7:14-20 "For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me."

With the hate comes anger. If a victim is angry enough it masks the emotional pain. Many survivors plot acts of revenge against their abuser. They may spend hours or days in fantasy about how they will make their abuser suffer for what he did to them. However, anger is very similar to acid, it either eats away at the container or it splashes out on whoever is nearby. Many times a victim will lash out in anger at someone they really love or care about because the individual is too young or small to fight back. This of course, feeds the cycle of guilt and shame.

Job 18:4-8 "He teareth himself in his anger: shall the earth be forsaken for thee? and shall the rock be removed out of his place? Yea, the light of the wicked shall be put out, and the spark of his fire shall not shine. The light shall be dark in his tabernacle, and his candle shall be put out with him. The steps of his strength shall be straitened, and his own counsel shall cast him down. For he is cast into a net by his own feet, and he walketh upon a snare."

Job 18:11 "Terrors shall make him afraid on every side, and shall drive him to his feet. "

Job 18:21 "Surely such are the dwellings of the wicked, and this is the place of him that knoweth not God."

Each victim needs to walk through these various stages of belief, feeling and grief in order to finally heal from her abuse. Each individual walks at her own pace and in her own way. Some will start walking and never look back. Others will seem to be headed in the direction of healing and will suddenly veer off or turn around and run back into their shame or anger. Eventually, a victim who is striving to heal will reach a plateau where all that is left is their anger and hate. This is the biggest issue of all. The victim is justified in their anger and hate, yet the only way to heal and walk past the abuse into healthy relationships is to forgive her abuser/abusers. I have never met a victim who initially wants to forgive her abuser, however part of that problem is in what we believe about forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a victim forgets what happened to her. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a victim resumes a relationship with her abuser. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget about pressing criminal charges. Forgiveness means you recognize that your abuser deserves eternal judgment and tell God that you trust Him to handle the judgment. In other words, you recognize that the abuser deserves eternal punishment, but you also are willing for God to be in control of that punishment.

To have order and peace in life survivors must deal with the issues and heal from the abuse. Victims must learn that real love is never abusive. Secondly, victims of sexual abuse must learn that abuse is not sex and has nothing to do with her sexuality.

Psalm 5:11 "But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee."

Psalm 9:10 "And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."

Psalm 16:1 "Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust."

Psalm 36:7 "How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings"

Psalm 37:5 "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

Psalm 37:40 "And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him."

When an abuse victim is able to walk through her emotions and feelings one by one, she allows God to heal her and restore her ability to trust God and others. Healing from abuse is similar to healing from a physical injury the scar remains but the body is still able to function. When God heals the wounds of abuse He gives the victorious survivor a testimony and compassion that amazes the people whose lives they touch.

Psalm 40:3 "And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah."

Psalm 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

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