Titus 2 Men And Women

My Child

As parents we have gotten our share of painful news during our marriage of now, 33 years. The only child born from my womb was born expected to die. When God allowed him to live we were told that he would not be much more than a vegetable. But God….Joe grew up very smart and became a gifted pianist. Then came the day when we heard the doctors say that he had an inoperable brain tumor…and the day the phone call came telling us that our son had gone to Heaven. As emotionally trying and sad as all of that news was at the times we heard it there is one other revelation that seemed somehow worse than all of the aforementioned put together. Worse? Yes, because of the intense suffocating affect of the guilt and anger that surfaced in our hearts when we heard the words, "Mommy, he touches me and hurts me! "This news that our trusted friend and pastor had repeatedly molested our precious five year old daughter inside of our church and school building was devastating.

Twenty years have passed and as I write this I still feel the rage of that moment deep in my heart. I remember my husband's agony and his humanity wanting to find a loaded gun. In my mind's eye, I see our very precious little girl-hurting and stunned at the pain on her mom and dad's face and in our words. I remember how tightly my husband and I held each other as we wept….asking, why God? Why? We are Christians, God…..he is our pastor…..why? As parents, guilt and shame engulfed us, for we had been violated also.

When the truth was uncovered there were eleven little girls that had fallen prey to that (word omitted) predator. Eleven church families crushed and raped…Christian, Baptist, God fearing and God honoring families. The pastor, himself a victim of childhood (word omitted) abuse, went to prison for many, many years.

How did this happen in our family? It happened because, like so many other Christian families around the world-we never considered that it could ever happen to us. However, God's Word tells us the rain falls on the just and the unjust…and I want to tell you that you need to prepare for rain and carry a good umbrella all of the time.

In so many ways we had learned how to avoid disasters in our children's lives before they even had a chance to happen: we put safety tabs in the electrical outlets, we locked up or stored up high, dangerous chemicals, we put the side rails up on the cribs, we took precautions with our food to avoid food poisoning, we positioned our children in bed to avoid S.I.D.S. , we made sure the car seat was the right kind and size , we made sure the toys didn't have small parts that may be swallowed, etc. We realized that disasters from these things could happen at any time. We one day sadly realized that there is a far greater disaster that should also be prepared for….predators.

We were in a small church where everyone knew, loved, and trusted each other. We thought we were protecting our children securely…never letting them spend the night in another home without us, watching them in crowds and around strangers, protecting what they saw, heard, and where they went. I was careful to take these precautions because I was abused as a child by my mother and my brother in my home. I knew (word omitted) predators existed….evil demented people with twisted minds. So we lived cautiously and happily-revolving our lives around our local church family where we felt secure and safe from evil.

For twenty years I have watched my daughter grow in to a beautiful woman who loves her God and serves Him with her whole heart. I have also watched some residue from the abuse surface in her life. As God opened doors and entrusted me to mentor women to victory over their damaged yesterdays, I did all that I could to help my daughter deal with hers. We both have known for many years that God trusted us with this hurt so that we may one day help other women heal from being abused-and families to prevent this from happening in their lives. Kristina is now old enough and ready to let God use her testimony of His grace. She put her testimony on the web site-"Trust From The Ashes Of Abuse".

While ours is a story about a fallen pastor in a church building, a (word omitted) predator can be anyone that we know Unfortunately, more often than not the people who molest children are friends of the family.  (… in 90% of child (word omitted) abuse cases, the child knows and trusts the person who commits the abuse (Finklehor 1994))

It is hard to cope when the person who hurt your child-and your family-was a trusted friend or family member. I know several women who as children were (word omitted) molested by their grandfathers…some by uncles and cousins…some by brothers, fathers, and even sisters and mothers. I know many people who can tell a story about a neighbor…or a dear friend or clergy. It happens…the threat is real and there is no way to tell who these people may be.

Our daughter was molested over several months. After we learned what had taken place I looked back and saw problems that I did not recognize as possible signs of child abuse. She had nightmares, her personality changed, she became fearful-- something we noted as shyness. In looking back guilt overwhelmed us…guilt of not protecting our daughter, of not knowing what was happening to our own child. We berated ourselves for months…for years for not recognizing that abuse … it happens!

We never fathomed that a heart could hurt as badly as ours. The question that ate at us was "why didn't she tell us?" Our family was allowed to have open discussions…which may sound strange but I have known many, many Christian families that never allowed a negative word to be spoken without punishment given for gossip. From counseling other women, both mothers of abused children and women who were abused children, the answer to that question that ate at us, has many answers: shame, ignorance about what is happening, fear from being threatened, and this will be addressed in the body of this work.

I do not want anything that is said in this article to cause unfounded fear and/or panic. My desire in sharing this tragedy is to prepare parents…teach parents so that you can protect your children. Twenty years ago there was no campaign to wipe out child abuse…there were no "touch and tell" programs in schools. There was no push for parents to warn their children…or to prepare parents for what may happen by someone they know. My husband and I were ignorant of the facts and we felt we had done all that we could do to protect our children from harm. We paid a horrific price for failing to protect our children by training them for the possibility that they may come in contact with a predator.

Our staff has gathered and written material to help you to understand that child abuse happens. We are not going to attempt to re-write what we have found as resources for you…rather, we will give credit where credit is due. Some of the following material is from secular sources and there are no graphic illustrations nor are there graphic definitions for (word omitted) child abuse. We have, however provided a way that you can get a comprehensive explanation if you want it….which I do recommend as needful for every parent-Christian or not.

God's Word tells us in Ephesians 5: 14-17
--"Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.
--See then that ye walk circumspectly (diligently looking in all directions at once), not as fools, but as wise ,
--Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
--Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is."

I pray that the information in this section will help each who read it to do just that…walk circumspectly as they pray to arise from indifference to this malady in our society today.

~~Sharon Merhalski

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