Titus 2 Men And Women

Sexually Molested .... Should I Report It?

Sexually Molested...Should I Report It?

Does God Want Me To Report The Crime To The Police?

I do not understand.  I cannot comprehend how a child, teen or adult can be molested and get counsel from parents, spouses, and/or pastors NOT to report the crime...the c-r-i-m-e...the CRIME...to the police.  I can understand why a victim is hesitant to tell--especially when it is a child or teen:  It is common for sexual predators to threaten the lives of their victims and/or the lives of the victim’s parents and family.  However, I cannot find any Biblical support for not reporting crimes to the proper authorities!

I wish this failure to report abuse only happened once in a ‘blue moon’.  I wish I did not have to say it has become common practice.

I could write my heart--but instead I want to let scripture speak and then give you four hearts on this matter:  The first is a question that was asked of our web site counselors.  The first heart-response belongs to a mother whose daughter was molested by a ministry worker and the pastor insisted it remain hushed.  The second one belongs to a woman who was raped by a man in the church and not believed by her pastor so the incident went unreported to the police. (All three predators in those cases got away with their crimes.)  The third response belongs to me with a story of closure and healing.  This will close with a commentary by Danette Tucker.

What does God say about living under the laws of our land?

(Word definitions from the Strong’s Concordance in parenthesis.)

Romans chapter 13 verse 1.
"Let every soul be subject (obey) unto the higher powers (laws, jurisdiction). For there is no power (authority) but of God: the powers (freedom, magistrate, authority) that be are ordained (assigned, appointed) of God."

I Peter chapter 2.

13. "Submit yourselves (be obedient) to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king (foundation of power--judge, law of the land), as supreme;
14. Or unto governors (a leader), as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment (vindication, retribution, punishment) of evildoers (criminal--one committing a crime which is the breaking of a law of the land), and for the praise of them that do well.
15. For so is the will (purpose, desire) of God, that with well doing (duty) ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish (ignorant, stupid, morally unbelieving) men:"

Silence puts a sentence of depression on the abuse victim.

Don’t be afraid to tell someone you have been violated.  Don’t stuff your emotions for they will one day surface and you will explode or implode if you don’t download.  Tamar’s emotions were exceedingly damaged by her brother when he raped her. The Bible says a part of her remained desolate for the rest of her life.  Why?

"And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house."  II Samuel 13:20

Because her brother Absalom would not let her tell, a part of her remained internally desolate.  Tamar listened to her brother, and did not tell her father the King or anyone else.  She chose to remain silent...and desolate.

Word definitions from the Strong’s Concordance taught me that Tamar remained numb/devastated/lonely/depressed because she chose to remain silent. 

Is this true?  Yes, I lived with internal desolation for the first 34 years of my life because I didn’t tell anyone my mother had abused me.  Every woman I have counseled in the last twenty years that chose to remain silent has experienced that desolation in her life. 

This is part of the most recent letter sent to me:

"I write to you because a girl that I know, recently confessed to me that her ex-boyfriend, who is a member in her own church, sexually molested her... she felt so scared that she decided to hide it from everybody. I was the first person to learn about this incident and I told her to talk to her pastor. She did, and he only told her to just forget about everything and forgive him. He never spoke with this man.

Anyway, the problem that I have is that because of what the pastor said, she wants to hide it and keep it a secret. After a lot of hard work, I convinced her to talk to her parents. Shockingly, they said the same thing, to just forget it because we should forgive him. I am confused about everything now. Does being a Christian mean that if someone is being sexually abused, I should forgive the person and keep living my life as if nothing happened? I thought that I should go to the police immediately but my friend is so scared to do this because she loves God and ... thinks that if she reports the abuse, she is doing something that God hates. I don't know what to tell her because she is so concerned about what the pastor said. ...Is it a sin to report this to the police? Thank you for your time."

I sent the note to some ladies who I knew would understand perfectly and would pray with empathy.  The following are parts of their responses to this young woman.

First note: From a mother whose daughter was molested by a ministry worker and the pastor kept it hushed.

"First, I know why she hid such [behavior] from everyone.  She felt as though everyone would blame her and accuse her of "wanting it" or that no-one would believe her. I have been there myself; then I have been there with my daughter.

I can't tell anyone what to do, I can only give advice.  My advice would be to tell the police if she feels led by the Lord, so at least the police department would be aware of this young man's actions.  Then if others call the police department about the same man the police can take further action when and if needed.  One thing I do know, hiding such horrendous crimes is only causing the victims more torture and if parents, teachers and pastors (the people children trust) don't do anything about these sins the sin will only continue.

I believe we need to start talking to parents, pastors, teachers, as well as any other authority figure that children may trust and confide in, and make them aware of the torture that children endure once these things are told.  Instead (victims) are being told to keep their mouths shut. What a sin!

Christian or not, we are all of sin nature first! As a victim myself, I know when we are told to keep our mouths shut about abuse we feel the ones giving that advice are making the abuser more valuable than [his victims].  But the truth is that God thinks we are all valuable...Yes, it is true this young lady needs to forgive for her own sake.  The unforgiveness will hold her captive until she does...  But that does not mean this young lady needs to be held captive by feelings of fear and unhappiness because of what someone else has done to her either.

....this young man is now standing in the church building every week smug and believing he can get away with anything now because he got away with sin this time, or so he thinks...."

Second note: from a woman who was raped by a man in the church and not believed by her pastor so the incident went unreported to the police.

My heart goes out to the girl that was because I kept my situation quiet, I lived 18 years in pain, betrayal, guilt and remorse.  I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I have experienced.

By keeping the situation quiet, is not only allowing the abuse to continue, but it is also giving permission for the preditor to do the same to other people.  It will never bring closure to the matter and you will always wonder who else has been hurt by that person. You will also wonder if he will come back and do the same thing to you .  My biggest regret is that charges were not brought against the person who raped me.

Third response: from Sharon Merhalski

Our daughter and eight other little girls were molested by our pastor in Maine when our daughter was five years old.  This took place inside of the church building during school hours.  My daughter did not tell us for a couple of months because her life was threatened by her predator. 

All nine sets of parents filed charges and the criminal went to prison for many years.  The justice God has ordained in our judicial system gave closure to all of the parents and to the children.  I know justice and closure was a great part of our daughter’s emotional healing...and ours as her parents.

Commentary by Danette Tucker:

I have to add my voice to Sharon’s in concern because this has become a common problem in the church, not merely an occasional occurrence.  The problem of sexual abuse and molestation is systemic throughout our culture and, unfortunately, the church is not exempt.  But, while our society is finally facing the reality of this problem, the church is persisting in wearing blinders and pretending it doesn’t exist or that it is rare and "couldn’t possibly happen here."  In the church victims are being told to forgive and forget. 

There are a couple reasons for this head-in-the-sand mentality in the church.  First is the mistaken belief that it is more spiritual to "forgive."  In the case of molestation by leadership within the church there is also a mistaken belief that the "ministry" must be protected at all costs.  There is also a fear that if we openly acknowledge and address this issue we will cause an outbreak of unfounded allegations that could destroy the lives of many innocent people.

Unfortunately, each of these beliefs is either mistaken or is not a valid reason.  First, while victims do need to forgive, forgiveness is not synonymous with forgetting.  The Word never says to reconcile with an unrepentant offender (and in the case of a violation of the law, true repentance will accept the consequences of illegal acts).  The abuser is still responsible before God and the law to pay the penalty for his/her actions.  To not require this is to invalidate God’s justice, violate His Word, and enable the abuser to continue in his abuse WITH the tacit blessing of the church.  When this occurs, Satan is given a stronghold in the church and this sin will proliferate.  A church which shelters one abuser by not abiding by the laws of God and man will become a haven for other abusers.

Also, in the case of abuse by church leaders God does not hold church leaders above the laws of the land.  In fact, the requirements for church leadership include the requirement that leaders be without reproach.  Any church leader who is guilty of sexual abuse (actually, abuse of any kind) is automatically disqualified for leadership according to the Word.  They are not to be protected but are to be immediately removed from leadership.  Yes, they can still be loved, like anyone else.  But they must also submit to the laws of God and government, and to the consequences for violation of these laws.

As to the concern that exposing abuse in the church will lead to unfounded allegations, this is precisely why God established a specific method for dealing with accusations.  There is a system of accountability laid out in Matt. 18:15-17.  The Word also says that an allegation against a leader needs at least three witnesses. (I Tim. 5:19)  Any allegation should be seriously investigated but no action should be taken against a leader in the church without at least three corroborating witnesses.  This could be three different victims coming forward or could be multiple witnesses of one victim’s evidence of abuse --- such as caregivers, medical personnel, etc.  This is to protect the church against just such problems as could occur due to unfounded accusations.

The Word says that we are to love each other as Christ loves us.  True love does not enable another person to continue in unrepentant sin.  This is not the meaning of "covering a multitude of sins."  James 5 says that we cover a multitude of sins when we address a brother’s sin and turn him from it, not when we overlook it and enable him to continue in it. 

Look also at Paul’s response to the church in Corinth (I Cor. 5) regarding a church member who was living in sexual sin.  He did not say to ignore it.  Paul indicated he was upset about it and that it was not to be tolerated within the church.  He uses strong language indeed when he says he prayed to deliver that person over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh.  Paul very specifically tells the church to have no fellowship with this person.  This same passage applies equally to any situation where there has been sexual abuse in the church.  Sexual abuse is fornication, too.  It is involuntary on the part of the victim making it even more evil and less tolerable.

Paul’s very specific admonition to the church in the case of sexual misconduct in the church was that the person committing the sin was to be excommunicated.  Where laws of the land have been broken we must also uphold them, as Sharon demonstrated.  We are to be subject to human governmental authority.  This means that if we know of abuse in the church we are responsible to report it and to cooperate with the law in all ways regarding it, including testifying in court if necessary.  This situation does not fall within the category of things that we are to judge "within the church" because it is an issue where there has been a violation of the laws of our government.  It is not enough for someone in the church to "confront and then counsel" the abuser.  The abuser has violated the law and must experience the consequences of the legal system.  This is what the Word means when it says in I Peter 2:14 that we are to submit "...unto governors, as unto them that are sent by Him for the punishment of evildoers..."

So, what do you do if your church leadership refuses to confront or address sexual abuse by another church member?

First, you are still responsible to do what is right, regardless of the feelings or advice of others.  You are responsible to submit to governing authorities so you must report it.  If your church authorities or parents advise otherwise they are in violation of the Word and you must obey the Word before man --- any "man." 

Second, you may need to reconsider your church home.  This is a hard thing.  But, can you submit to spiritual leadership that would counsel you in direction violation of the Word?  Are you, by staying in such a church, lending tacit agreement to its ungodly practices and leadership?  By staying, are you remaining under spiritual leadership that God cannot bless but will instead be required to discipline?  Can you be sure of the validity of your spiritual leadership when they would advise you to violate the Word in this matter?

This is a difficult issue, but not one without specific and clear direction from God.  Please be assured that God does have answers and He does not leave any of His children in abusive situations without redress.

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