Titus 2 Men And Women

Angry Children
by Sharon Merhalski and Danette Tucker

Question:

I see the anger that is within our children and they can not figure what the problem is. 

Many people will not discuss it. 

Answer:

I was talking to a few mothers of various aged children the other day.  Three of them asked if I had read the book "The Five Love Languages For Children."  The mothers all told me how applying the truths in the book had quelled the anger in their children.  Every child is different and with some children spanking them all of the time only seeds anger.  And believe me, I am NOT opposed to spanking a child for discipline.  You may also want to read the following articles.  Here are the links. Click on the link to view the article.

Is God Angry With Me?

The Parent's Heart

Also, I just put a well documented  article on the web site about sleep.  When I taught school a couple of years ago none of my first graders had a bed time and, oh, did it show!  Children who do not get 8-9 hours of sleep are hyper and tend to be angry and disobedient.  While adults get sleepy, children get hyper.  Many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed cases of sleep deprivation.

You can click here:
Is Sleep Important?l

And the third contributor to anger in children is caffeine consumption from soda pop.  The fizzy water in carbonated beverages leaches calcium out of our systems and calcium has a calming affect on our bodies. Add to this video games and television which overstimulate the brain and our children are needing rest and peace in their lives.

Commentary by Danette Tucker:

The reasons Sharon mentioned are all things that can be causes of anger in children.  Sometimes, however, the problem isn't environmental or physical.  Sometimes the problem is us as parents!  There are three reasons that come to mind right away -- the second and third reasons are things that I think are hidden causes of a LARGE amount of the anger in children.  All of these are ways in which we violate Eph. 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

One thing that can result in anger in children is inconsistent discipline and/or inadequate boundaries.  When an action is wrong today and ignored tomorrow and then wrong again the day after that children will be frustrated and then angry.  Our children also need to know their limits.  Inadequate limits will cause children to feel insecure and then angry.  Of course, we don't need to put limits in place just for the sake of having limits.  But we do need to carefully consider our children's maturity, age and physical abilities and structure limits accordingly.  For a toddler these limits need to be quite close while a teenager should have considerably more relaxed boundaries.  Also, we need to remember to consider each child individually.  We can't just say, "At 12 years old you will be able to do such-and-such."  Each child is different.  Boundaries that are too tight can cause frustration and anger, too, because excessive boundaries demonstrate a lack of understanding and respect for the child.  

Another thing which can cause anger in children is even more significant.  Here we need to ask God to truly reveal the secret motivations of our hearts because only He can expose this.   Discipline that comes out of our flesh will provoke our children to anger.  This is a huge issue and one which keeps me on my face before God constantly.  God's discipline comes to us out of His love, never His anger, irrititation or frustration.  In James 1:20 the Word says,  "For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."  We don't take that seriously enough.  It truly means what it says.  If I discipline my children when I am angry, irritated or frustrated I cannot accomplish the righteousness of God!

Gal. 6:8 also says, "For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting."  In the discipline of our children the law of sowing and reaping is still active.  If we discipline out of our flesh we will reap a crop of ugly flesh response back from them.  If we discipline in the love and power of the Holy Spirit we can minister to the spirits of our children and reap a harvest of righteousness.  So, I have learned that ANY time I discipline my children and I am angry OR merely irritated, frustrated, snappy, etc. I am disciplining in my flesh and am provoking my children to anger and rebellion.  

Let's look at this even closer.  If I discipline my children when I am irritated, frustrated or upset with them I am attempting to impose my will on them because they have bothered ME -- even if what they did was wrong.  This is not a correct motivation for discipline.  The goal of our discipline is a heart and will submitted to God and a life of righteousness and wisdom.  These are spiritual goals!  God Himself is the only source for these fruits.  If I correct my children from my flesh I am making myself an idol -- demanding that they give their wills to me.  Instead my focus should be on gaining their hearts for God and so my discipline must come out of that root motivation.  This can only happen if I myself am walking in agreement with the Holy Spirit.

So for me, if I am angry, irritated or frustrated, I must take the time to step back and get before God to seek His heart for my children before I discipline them.  This may mean that I send my child to his room while I go to mine for 10 minutes -- or however long it takes for me to get my heart right first.

A positive fruit that comes from this is increased love for my children.  As I walk in a daily way in my home with my children I am constantly reminded of how much I am prone to walk in the flesh and how much I desperately need to walk by the Spirit on a moment-by-moment basis.  When I am aware of just how much I myself am prone to sin toward my children it makes me look on them with more compassion.

A third thing which can cause anger in children is disrespect.  By this I do not mean their disrespect.  I mean our disrespect for our children.  There is a subtle attitude that adults tend to have toward children that children are "less."  We view them as not as smart, not as mature, inherently sinful, etc.  These things may be true but in viewing them this way instead of the way God sees them, we will express disrespect to them.  Even though these things are equally true of us God doesn't treat us that way!  Yes, I am more mature than my child, but compared to the perfect standard of God's righteousness I am no more "worthy" than my child is.  The truth is that God deliberately and carefully crafted each one of our children, each an adult in the making.  As a person created in God's image, every child is "worthy" of complete respect -- regardless of their behavior.  

Treating our children with disrespect is something that we might "get away with" when they are little.  But when they are teenagers we will find ourselves suddenly faced with a disrespectful and rebellious child.  Rather than wringing our hands and wondering what Satan has done to our child we need to look closer to home for the cause and beg God to forgive us!  I believe that, even at this point, all is not lost.  God is still a redeemer!  But we will have to seek our child's forgiveness and set a new model of humility and respect if we want to win back our child's heart.

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