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The second mistake is not permanently removing the abuser from the home. When an abuser remains in the home, or is returned to the home, the victim loses all sense of security. They may have difficulty sleeping, become deceitful, or skittish. They know their abuser can't be trusted to not abuse them again. Self-preservation causes them to become hoarders and plotters...always having a plan for escape. When they are unable to see a way they might escape, they may do things to make themselves offensive. ie: overeating, bed wetting, failing to bathe, etc. Finally, they often become self-destructive. They are hopeless.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."

Proverbs 29:2 "When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn."

The third mistake is in not allowing, in fact, in not encouraging, the victim to talk about what happened to them and how they feel about it. Assuming that because the victim is a child they will forget, or that the abuse was no big deal is utter nonsense. This is what happened to Tamar and the Bible says a part of her remained desolate for the rest of her life. Her brother wouldn't let her tell her father and her father, when he found out did nothing about it.

Every abuse victim needs to talk. They need to express their anger. Ephesians 4:25-26 "Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:"

When the victim is denied the opportunity to speak, to express their pain and their anger they are forced to stuff their emotions down inside. Those stuffed emotions are like the interior of a volcano bubbling and building pressure. When the pressure becomes too great the victim will erupt in anger. Often lashing out at the wrong person just because they were present when the eruption occurred. Victims who don't deal with the emotions of their abuse often become restless...hyperactive. They can't stand to be in their skin and may feel as though there are worms or bugs crawling on them. In severe or repeated cases of abuse multiple personality disorder is not uncommon. (See the article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in our child abuse section.)

Most victims of abuse go through various emotional stages, denial, anger, grief for the loss of their innocence. As they are allowed to confront their feelings and sometimes their abuser they heal and they will eventually reach the place where they can forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one t o another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

"Forgiveness is first putting away our sins of anger, hatred, bitterness, speaking evil of the person who offended us as we refuse to entertain thoughts of wanting revenge or harm for that person. We must realize God tells us He forgives us in the degree that we forgive our offenders: "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." (Matthew 6:12)

One of the definitions for the word "debtors" in the Strong's Concordance is: "one who has not yet made amends to whom he has injured;" God is telling us in this verse that we should pray and ask Him to forgive our sins AS we forgive those who have injured us and have not made amends. And this can only be done when we regard the abuser as a victim- a victim of his own lusts, bound by selfish desires and hostility. If we knew the truth about such people, if we knew what abuse they had endured, if we understood their apparent helplessness to cope with the pressures of life- then our anger could more easily turn to sympathy and/or pity. But in this process we must remember that forgiveness and fellowship are not synonymous. The Bible says in Romans 12:18 "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." God gives us common sense and where trust has been broken and pain and discomfort have been inflicted we must use what warning flags and fear that have been instilled in us by the actions of others to make valid choices to protect our lives and the lives of our children. "Lay hands suddenly on no man" needs to be employed as a way of life, especially where abuse has taken place. The accepted government statistics are the same for people in the church... the rate of change for abusers is almost none...none. There needs to be accountability as we try to bridge forgiveness and fellowship...and first the one needing forgiveness must be reaching back to us in repentance for that bridge to be formed: We are commanded to forgive- and God enables us to do what He commands--but it takes the reaching back by the offender, in repentance, wanting forgiveness, to form a bridge of fellowship. And then, it takes the building of trust based on common sense of past and present actions. This is not an instant happening." Just Beyond the Shadow of God's Wings by Sharon Merhalski

We are human and forgiveness is not forgetting nor is it trusting. Just because someone says they are sorry doesn't mean they are trust-worthy. The idea that a woman should "forgive" her husband and let him stay or move back into the home is an invitation for trouble. Every state in the United States has legislation that requires child abuse be reported. To allow the abusive parent to live in the home enables him to continue the abuse and it puts the mother at risk of being charged as an accessory and losing her children.

While I have forgiven the man that abused me as a child, if that man were still alive I would not let him anywhere near my grandchildren. Forgiveness is a determination of the will of the offended...an act of obedience, not an indication that the abuser is trust-worthy.

Ephesians 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The nurturing of God is a far cry from an abusive home. Perhaps a verse that is usually used to rejoice over the birth of a child...announcing how very proud the parents are...should be used to end this article. Psalm 127:3 "Lo, children are an heritage of the L ORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."

When we consider the children in our homes, churches, and communities we would be wise to remember that they are not our children...they are in fact the LORD's heritage.

Malachi 2:17 "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words. Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him? When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delighteth in them; or, Where is the God of judgment?" Christians need to stand up and speak out against the sin that is all around us...sin in our churches. Christians have become almost densensitized to abominations God calls sin: pornography, homosexuality, spouse abuse, child abuse, unchecked anger, ___________, ________________, ____________ and lay and clergy participation in any and all of the above. God says that judgement begins in the house of God and Christians everywhere need to stand up and call sin sin and wrong wrong...for if we don't the verse we started this article with is God's truth for us today: Obadiah verse 15, "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen: as thou hast done (they ignored the sin around them), it shall be done unto thee: thy reward shall return upon thine own head."

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