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Question and Answer by Sharon Merhalski

Comments and commentary by Danette Tucker and Teddi Neevel

I received a letter from a lady I am counseling.  She confided in me the depth of her problem with anger...and that it gets directed toward her husband.  She told someone assured her that she still blames, and is angry with, God for her childhood abuse.  She typed, "I thought I took care of it?? I feel like a total failure! Will I ever change?"

I have counseled this lady for several months and I do not believe she is angry with God.  I believe her problem is a common one that seldom gets taken care of in a manner that provides healing from past pain.  The following is my response to her and then a commentary by Danette Tucker.

Dear ______,

Many years ago one truth set me free from so much internal "stew".....thank you for reminding me of this yesterday. Many years ago my husband taught me a valuable truth and then sent me to my pastor for affirmation of what he taught me:

It is okay to be angry at the sin; to hate--abhor with disgust-- the deeds done to me as a child.  However, it is not acceptable to God for me to hate the one who committed the deeds.

You are right at the brink of freedom . It is time for you to let go and free fall into the arms of Jesus.  Free fall friend trusting your parachute--Jesus--to keep you from hitting the ground.

Remember my talk where I used the picture of Christ knocking on the door? You cannot pray for the peace you long for because God is peace---His name is Jehovah-Shalom---His peace yours for the taking.  Open the door of your heart. You are wasting energy praying for what is already yours to partake of. You are in a wrestling match like Jacob--with God--and you have already been declared the winner. Let me try a word picture here.

Your daughter cut the palm of her hand. It is bleeding and you need to tend to it. She is holding in the pain refusing to cry. Every muscle in her body is tense/rigid. You try to pry open her hand to cleanse the wound of dirt and apply a healing balm and wrap it with a bandage. She is all tensed up refusing to open her hand...afraid you will hurt her more if she lets you start the healing process. She struggles with her muscles tight...until finally she screams from the pain she has been trying to ignore by tensely holding back the tears. She screams and cries as she relaxes-- letting you open her hand, stop the bleeding, cleanse the wound, apply the ointment and bandage it up--so you can take her in your arms and hold her tight giving her peace from the ordeal as she lets this ordeal become a memory.

Friend, you are the green words. I love you but you cannot pray to know any more about the healing process. You cannot pray for God's peace that passes all understanding for it is yours the moment you release the pain/anger you are trying to ignore and scream out acknowledging it.  Then as you relax you will let the Great Physician do His work on your wounds. You have worked at taking care of them but your effort is finite not infinite.  You cannot work the miracle in your life that you are seeking.

I have been exactly where you are with your anger.  I was stuffing anger for the things done to me and/or trying to jelly coat it with scripture and God's agape love. This kept my anger like a pot "on the boil" -- on the back burner simmering -- and one thing done or said and my pot would come to a rolling boil.  Like you friend, my anger would boil over only on my husband. Why did my anger overflow only on my husband? I came to realize that because we were one flesh I loved him and wanted so much for him to understand how I felt inside: I hurt and wanted him to hurt with me...and made hurt happen. This is an immature human response. Has one of your children ever gotten hurt and hit her sister -- just because? Children easily do this. Child-based thinking, responses, and emotions do this too...just like I did.

"This is the classic human reaction of an abuse survivor. It is part of the ‘I can’t stand to be in my own skin syndrome’ that results in self-abuse and lack of trust. To simplify this, the person who has not turned their anger from the abusers onto the sin will follow a cycle of actions. ‘I hurt and you don’t understand,’ ‘You say you love me so you should feel my hurt,’ ‘I boil over in anger on you...now you hurt,’ ‘I shouldn’t have unloaded my anger on you,’ ‘I don’t deserve to be loved,’ ‘This time you won’t forgive me and you’ll leave.’

"This is not righteous anger at the sin but continuing abuse and self-loathing. For some women this cycle of action can be directly followed with their hormonal cycle. For other people it will cycle with the moon. Now, I know that sounds strange and I don’t know why it works the way it does (That’s a question I’m saving for God.) but our English words ‘lunatic’ and ‘lunacy’ come from the word ‘lunar’ or moon. People who work in law enforcement and the medical field know that when the moon is full there will be more emergency calls dealing with erratic behavior than any other time of the month."

---Teddi Neevel

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