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Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

Ephesians 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Like so many other survivors of abuse I had many strongholds to tear down in order to experience emotional and spiritual wholeness. When I was fourteen years old and knelt at an altar to get saved, God dealt with me about letting go of the hatred in my heart for my mother. I made the decision to do so before I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour.  However, remaining buried were negative emotions which impeded my ability to forgive. 

I tried for years to forgive while comfortably harboring anger and bitterness in my hardened heart.  I lived believing what is sometimes called a "Blanket Forgiveness" teaching : just decide to "forgive and forget" and do it without repenting first for sinful emotions.  I know from experience that this "Blanket Forgiveness" teaching is dangerous, for it kept me in bondage to unforgiveness.

To begin the process of forgiving an abuser, I believe a general understanding of how they become hardened to the point where they intentionally hurt others is a truth that will help lead to the resolve of anger and bitterness.

Man is in constant contention with his fallen sinful nature 1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

Satan is at work in the world and controls the actions of evil men to the degree that they surrender parts of their lives to him.  Satan takes advantage of every opportunity to blind people to their real needs and rather directs them towards carnal lusts by deceiving them.  Man’s sinful nature, rejection, and probably abuse from others, combined with the activity of Satan can lead a man into any form of cruelty imaginable. 

"Imagine the private hell an abuser must go through when he or she puts to death the natural feelings of compassion.  It is not easy to suffocate the natural love that a woman has for her infant, but it can be done.  It is not easy to erase the natural affection that a father has towards his children, but it can be squelched if the children interfere with his active pursuit of his own lusts.  Every time an individual turns a deaf ear to his conscience and follows his perverted desires, it becomes easier and easier to repeat that behavior.  Eventually, there is no feeling left.

Thus we must regard the abuser as a victim---a victim of his own lusts, bound by selfish desires and hostility.  If we knew the truth about such people, if we knew what abuse they had endured, if we understood their apparent helplessness to cope with the pressures of life---then our anger could more easily turn to sympathy."  Doris VanStone , "No Place To Cry"  Pastor David Atkinson recently taught me that with that sympathy, compassion/pity needs to replace our anger and bitterness until  we no longer desire hurt for the person that we are commanded by God to forgive.

Mat 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

One of the definitions for the word ‘debtors’ in the Strong’s Concordance is: "one who has not yet made amends to whom he has injured;" God is telling us in this verse that we should pray and ask Him to forgive our sins AS we forgive those who have injured us and have not made amends.  I do not believe I ever prayed that way concerning my mother.  For too many years I  asked God to forgive me of my sins without forgiving the one who owed me a debt---injured me.

When I looked back at my mother’s life with the eyes and heart of an adult it was the turning point in my healing process.  When I was able to see her as a miserable, bitter product of her choices to allow her childhood and environment to form her life actions, I was able to start forgiving her for those actions.  I was then able to let compassion/pity fill the spaces in my mind and heart that the release of my anger and bitterness had left void.  I did not excuse her actions; they didn’t suddenly become unimportant, but I was able to see them as the out growth of the bitter circumstances of her life.  And believing Romans 8:28 to be true, " And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.....", and realizing that the good spoken of in this verse is first the good of others, I was also able to take steps forward to live with thanksgiving for the "all things" that afforded me empathy and compassion for hurting people.

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