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After I finally got to the point where I didn't trust anyone at our church,
I decided to go for outside help. When I decided to seek outside help; that
was when the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart that I needed to deal with these
past issues. In January of 2000, I had an appointment with a Christian counselor.
During this appointment, I had casually mentioned that something had happened
to me when I was a teenager. This counselor asked me if I had dealt with it.
I shrugged him off and said no, I just don't think about it. The Holy Spirit
though, had different plans for me.
For two weeks after this, I wrestled with the fact that I needed to deal with
what happened. Up until this point, it never entered my mind that what happened
was abuse. I called the counselor and explained to him how I felt. I then scheduled
an appointment with his wife. This started my healing process. For the first
time since I was a teenager I finally told someone in detail what happened.
It wasn't easy. As a matter of fact, it was one of the hardest things I ever
did.
In March of that year, I decided to face the teacher that had betrayed me.
He was still working at the high school from where I graduated. I scheduled
an appointment to see him. I went into his office ready to tell him just what
I thought of him. At that appointment, I was completely thrown off guard when
he said that he was sorry for what happened. He even asked me to forgive him!
I was speechless. I mean, here I was seeing the person who betrayed me. I was
fully prepared to tell him what I thought of him. But yet very humbly he asked
for my forgiveness. I couldn't say at that time that I forgave him; but all
the years of bitterness and anger harbored against him started to melt.
In July of that year, our pastor was preaching a sermon at a youth conference.
It was a sermon that I had heard him preach before, but for some reason this
time it touched my heart. In this sermon, our pastor was describing all the
pain, abuse and sorrow that Jesus went through before he was crucified. He went
on to say that Jesus was betrayed by a friend. He was accused of something that
he did not do, and punished for something of which he was not guilty. I realized
that I too was betrayed by a friend. I too was accused of something that I did
not do. I too was punished for something of which I was not guilty. It was at
that time that I realized for the first time since this happened that Jesus
was there! He knew how I felt! I always thought and wondered "where was
God when all this happened?". Why did this have to happen? Didn't God care?
Of course he cares! He cared all along. It was me that had turned away from
Him; not Him turning away from me. He had been waiting all that time with outstretched
arms for me to turn to Him for the love and healing that I so desperately needed.
Because I was so hurt and devastated over what happened, I never was able to
see how far I had turned away from God's healing. The only way God can heal
us from our hurts is for us to look to Him for the healing and not ourselves.
This song below reminds me that Jesus Cares.
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