Titus 2 Men And Women

 “And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.” Luke 10:27

I lived many years of my life not loving myself in a healthy, godly way. I can tell you God is right…we cannot love others as He wants us to unless we have a healthy love for ourselves. Matthew Henry puts it this way: “We must love our neighbours as ourselves, which we shall easily do, if we, as we ought to do, love God better than ourselves. We must wish well to all and ill to none; must do all the good we can in the world and no hurt, and must fix it as a rule to ourselves to do to others as we would they should do to us; and this is to love our neighbour as ourselves.”

The second great commandment Jesus gave to us is to love our neighbor as ourselves which is to “wish well to all and ill to none” but how many Christians live their lives as I did by doing ill to themselves which definitely impairs our ability to love others?

You may say you have no addictions, no ‘vices’, and ask what on earth do I mean that you may be doing ill to yourself? Like I did for waaaaay too many years I meet so many Christian women who treat themselves badly by not setting boundaries in their lives… therefore enabling others to constantly hurt them in various ways.  What does Matthew Henry mean by "love God better than ourselves"? By loving God better than ourselves we should treat ourselves as He wills for us to do...and part of that is to strive for peace, healthy friendships, health and fitness and stay away from scornful and angry people.

Rather than attempt to write an explanation of what I mean I am going to let materials which helped me, teach you. The next paragraphs were gleaned from publications over the years and I do not know who the authors are. Following these is an article I believe every Christian needs to read because it deals with a dysfunctional type of love that has become acceptable. –Sharon Merhalski

--“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of our selves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.”

--“We need to start becoming aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start practicing them ourselves - and demanding the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owning our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy relationships - which are not possible without communication.” --“What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. We want friends who are allies. With alliances it is necessary to negotiate boundaries. Here is what I am willing to do, and here is what I need from you. By setting boundaries, we are communicating with another person. We are telling them who we are and what we need. It is much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect them to read our minds - and then punish them when they cannot.

--“Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our time and space - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives. Co-creators? God tells us in many verses of His Word that we are to “sanctify ourselves” which means to take charge of the things in our lives which we need to change or bring into our lives to be able to live as God wants us to live. We have a responsibility to do our part to establish boundaries to that which is hampering this process in any way.”   --Sharon Merhalski
"I don't know how to develop boundaries for my life"
Lynette Hoy
American Association of Christian Counselors

Question and response:

Lynette, I want to know why do I always end up giving up and compromising so much of my happiness and life for somebody else. In the end I am always so unhappy, but I don't know how to develop boundaries for my life. Could you give me some words of wisdom. Thanks.

Dear Friend:
Codependency is another popular and overused term today. Yet the syndrome of codependency continues to cause problems in people's lives. Codependence means that one person has been so controlled and consumed by another person’s problem that they develop a set of their own problems revolving around that other person’s problem. In general the relationship where there is codependency causes excessive dependency and taking on of someone else's responsibilities. Example: a housewife with alcoholic husband feels confused, anxious and in crisis and tries to get her husband to change because she feels over-responsible and guilty for her husband’s alcoholism. She takes on shame and guilt for her spouse's unacceptable behavior and thus takes on his responsibilities.

The codependent person also has a need to feel needed. Ultimately, codependency is based on fear and self-protection vs. relying on God. The codependent person needs to feel in control and thus, takes on the other person's responsibilities because he/she cannot handle the tension of the consequences that result...ie., when the boss calls to see why that person did not show up at work, the codependent makes an excuse for him/her because of the fear or potential of job loss.
How might faulty Christian teaching promote codependency? The Christian feels like he or she has to turn the other cheek or go the extra mile in every situation. Or he or she may have a savior complex in which he/she feels a responsibility to fix every problem which comes along. Christians may promote denial or confrontation of problems for the sake of peace (at-all-costs) vs. speaking the truth in love about taking responsibility. This is part of the reason that families take on dysfunctional roles which emulate the "don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust" rules.
Codependent people suffer from these symptoms:
-loss of objectivity,
-warped sense of responsibility,
-easily controlled or controlling,
-excessive feelings of guilt, hurt and anger, loneliness,
-extreme fear of rejection,
-excessive fear of failure.

Setting Boundaries:
Since it is not healthy to remain a codependent in relationships with others, the question is: "how can you determine which boundaries you need to put into place with people,?" I suggest writing down the situations which are bothering you most.
•    In what situations are you giving up your happiness and life for someone else? What happens? Are they making too many requests?
•    When are you feeling frustrated in your relationships?
•    When you say no to a request, do you feel guilty? What makes you feel guilty when you say no or want to say no?
•    When you do something for someone else, do you short-circuit some responsibility you need to accomplish for your own life?
•    When are you taking on someone else's responsibilities? Is that person needy (disabled, overworked, etc.) or is he or she quite capable of accomplishing these tasks?
Write these questions out and answer with specific examples from your own life. You need to explore your own life and relationships and learn to be assertive with people and take better care of yourself.

Obviously, Christians are asked to go the extra mile and to be kind and generous. In order to know when you are helping someone out versus when you are helping them continue a life of selfishness or irresponsibility, ask yourself this: "Is this person asking you to do something because he or she really has a need or is it because you have always done it and/or he or she is avoiding responsibility?"  

Also, consider how God can help you discern when helping someone is helpful through prayer and reading scriptures such as the book of Proverbs and the gospel of John.

Take care of yourself. Make sure you focus on accomplishing personal responsibilities and keeping yourself healthy through exercise, and growing in spiritual, mental and emotional health. Put Jesus Christ first in your life, get fellowship and support in a local church.

God bless you!    
Lynette Hoy
American Association of Christian Counselors

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