Titus 2 Men And Women

If you are reading this article, you are probably grieving or know someone who is. This isn’t a topic that any of us would read for entertainment and it isn’t an article that I ever expected to write. Most of it I haven’t written but I have been given permission to use the e-mails and Aaron’s poem. My nephew Aaron and his wife Paige were rejoicing in the prospect of the new baby that was about to come into their lives. This was their fourth child and an un-complicated pregnancy. The following e-mails are their thoughts and contacts with their extended family. I think that you will see their faith in their e-mails. I have added a few comments and scriptures.

1.)    Aaron, "Paige has not been feeling any movement for 4 or 5 days and there was no heartbeat tonight with a doppler. We will be going for an ultrasound tomorrow and we will let everyone know as soon as we do. We are both at peace with this, our biggest concern is for our kids and how they will react. Our biggest fear - intrepidation is the well meant but ill-timed platitudes of people who don't really know us or have a true understanding of this loss."

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

When there is no logical explanation for the happenings in our lives there is still God’s peace to comfort us. Turn your focus to the grace and goodness of God in Christ...He promises to give you sustaining peace.

2.)    Paige, "We still don't know anything for sure. I have an appointment with a doctor at
3:00 PM. But if intuition counts for anything, my baby is already in Jesus' arms. I would like to be wrong! Obviously we will have decisions to make when we do know something positively. If there is a heart beat at all, the baby's is the same as mine and the recommendation would be for an immediate C-section and treatment for a premature baby. If, in fact, the baby is already dead, we will have to decide if we want to wait for nature, or have an induction. The doctor we are seeing will allow me to do either. I would also still have the option of a homebirth, as long as there are no indications of health problems for me.

My biggest concern in all of this is for Andrea. She is such an emotional being.

Thank you for the prayers already. I feel them working, but do continue to pray for God's will in this and for His grace for us. I am at peace right now, but if our baby is dead, I am sure I will come out of my protective fog and go through all the normal emotions."

James 5:16
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

People need to know you covet their prayers. At times of great distress, we all need the prayer support of others. Knowing that others are praying when your own grief is to deep to form words is sustaining.

3.)    Aaron, "Ultrasound today confirmed that the baby has been gone for almost a week, she could not give us a gender. The Dr is allowing us some time to decide how to proceed. Spontaneous labor could occur, if not, labor can be induced and we can still have a home birth. Someone here will begin making arrangements in advance. Please bear with us, don't be offended if we don't take your calls, I know I'm not ready to talk to anyone about this yet.

Please continue to pray especially for the kids and most for Andrea."

2 Corinthians 5:7&8
"For we walk by faith, not by sight: We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."

4.) Paige, "Please understand that was Aaron talking. And we all know what a non-   communicator he is. I, on the other hand, thrive on the contact.

More information is, the baby is around 3.6 lbs. Guess I will be having a baby under the 8 to 10 lb range after all. But God is already taking care of details, as I just got a call back from my friend, Dori, and her mom is sending me a baby dress and blanket for our angel to wear. I know Aaron told you that the doctor couldn't tell us for sure what the baby's gender is, but she did think a girl. That would confirm what I had been feeling also. If so, she does have a name!

There was more I wanted to tell you, but my head is throbbing (all the crying) so I should rest my eyes now."

Psalm 56:8-10
"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the LORD will I praise his word."

Tears are an important an essential part of grief. Our heavenly Father, understands the loss a parent feels...He gave His son.

5.)    Paige, "Aaron and I said we wouldn't make any decisions until Monday, however,
we have already made a few. We have decided to try a home birth (what would change this is if I showed signs of infection.) We haven't been able to talk to our local coroner yet to see what legalities are involved in all of this. (Home birth is legal in Missouri, but we aren't sure what the steps are after that. I have a letter from the doctor stating that the baby is dead already.) We do know for sure that we MUST have a funeral within 24 hours of birth if we don't want to have the baby embalmed. So my question is regarding that. I do not expect anyone to come to the funeral (still not even sure what that involves), but if any of you are planning to come, I want to know so we can make sure we give travel time. If no out of town family needs to make the trip, then we would probably do this as quickly as possible. A local funeral home does infant services for free so that part isn't a financial concern for us. We have to find out legalities in Missouri before we make a decision where to bury the baby.

By the way, if the baby is for sure a girl, her name is Angela Rae. If we get surprised with a little boy, he is Ian Reed.

I hope this won't be too disturbing for anyone, and if it is, I hope you can just delete it, but, we will not be able to have an open casket funeral or a viewing of the baby. We have been warned that the baby is already in a state that will require very delicate handling after birth. Needless to say, the longer I carry it, the worse that condition will become. Not that I will give birth to a monster, just that once outside oxygen comes into the picture, decay will be very rapid.

I have already made it very clear that I want to see and hold the baby.I also want to take pictures, and if possible get foot prints, know eye color, get snippets of hair if this baby has any, etc.

I do see God's graciousness in taking this baby home before we got to know it. I can't imagine the grief we would feel if we had been given time to really know the baby and then lose it. However, knowing the grace I am feeling at this moment, I am certain it would still be sufficient. And that isn't to say I won't change my mind when the worst happens. I am fully cognizant of the fact that I have not yet experienced the worst. That will occur when I give birth to a still child. It is very easy for me to be positive about it right now, but I am not looking through rose colored glasses by any stretch of the imagination.

Aaron is writing, so I know he is finding his outlet. I have been concerned about that as it is a "requirement" for me to tell him how *I* feel, but he internalizes *his* thoughts. Not his emotions, as he just can't hide those, but his thoughts are kept silent as befitting a man. (?)

My angels on earth are also handling things well for now. We have decided that we will definitely have them go somewhere else when the baby comes. I hope we never regret that decision, but we feel pictures will be the best option for them.

So back to the topic, a less than 24 hour funeral, or does anyone want us to hold it off so you can come? Remember, I am not expecting you to, and I certainly won't take it personally if you don't come. I know thoughts and prayers are with us and that if I needed you here you would come. But I also want you to know that we would accommodate traveling family in any way we could."

Several things are evident from this e-mail. There are always plenty of questions but seldom answers that will be the same in every situation. You and your spouse must make some difficult choices during this time, but they are your choices. The rest of your family needs to respect your right to make those choices. Seek the Lord and then the advice of others. Ultimately, make the decisions that you can live with later.

Realize that people grieve in different ways. In this case Paige needed to "talk", even if only by email. Aaron needed to "write" his thought and feelings in private.

6.)  Paige, "Our pastor just came by with a meal for us and we were able to get a few more questions answered. The funeral home we will be using will come and get the baby and not charge us for a casket, or their services. He doesn't think they charge for the vault either. We will even be given a temporary nameplate for the baby's grave. Pastor McGee told us that any other expenses incurred by the burial will be taken care of by our church. I am not positive what this means exactly, but I do think any monetary gifts we are given will go toward a head stone for the baby at this time. If we find other areas where we need to pay for things we will.

Here is a another question for all of you. If this were your baby and you knew you could have an autopsy done at no cost to you, would you want one? Granted, if the death of our baby is an apparent knotted cord, I don't think one would be necessary, but if there is no outwardly visible reason, do you think we should know "just in case" it is something that could happen again? I don't think I need the answer for me, because I understand that sometimes God doesn't reveal the answer and we will have to wait for Heaven. But do any of the rest of you need to know, or do you think I need to know for my children's future children? (I am not even *thinking* about the possibility of a future child for us. I don't feel like I need another at this moment. I prayed for this baby and God blessed us for 32 weeks with its presence.) I am asking for opinions here as I know that not all of my thoughts are rational!

We have also made the decision that if we can legally, we will be burying the baby on this property. My dad has always wanted to be buried here, so we will look into the legalities and requirements and go from there. Aaron and I both are wondering about the proximity. Right now, I don't think it is too close, but again, I am thinking emotionally. Do any of you have advice here? Could this be a potential problem for my other children? Is it too close and would a cemetery be better? I just don't know any cemeteries that appeal to me. Oops, do they appeal to anyone??? I also realize with my head knowledge that only my baby's body will be buried. Her/his soul is already in Heaven. So really, it is just a place. But these are the decisions we have to make, and they are the ones that baffle me.

We will certainly call you when I go into labor. Aaron will need lots of prayer support as he just isn't sure he can be there with me this time. I know that I am strong enough to do this without his presence, but I am concerned that he will one day regret not being present. He also doesn't think he wants to hold the baby or look at it. I respect his decision, but pray he will change his mind, if this is the right thing for him to do. I will definitely get pictures so that if he does stick with his decision, he will someday still be able to see the baby."

1 Thessalonians 5:8-11
"But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation. For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him. Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.

Allow your church family to reach out in faith and love to comfort you. Learn from them what is a comfort to you because in time to come you will have opportunity to be the one giving comfort.

7.) Paige, "Regarding an autopsy, we have come to the conclusion that we don’t need one. I do hope it is an obvious thing like a knotted cord though.

Now I would like you all to help us pray for things to get going. The weekend is over so I would like for the baby to be born so we can move to the next step. Unfortunately going the way I am it feels surreal. I may still be pregnant, but I don't feel pregnant anymore. I feel empty because I know only my baby's body is still here. My baby's spirit is gone and I can tell."

2 Samuel 12:23
"But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

8.) Paige, "After talking with my midwife today, we have decided that if a miracle doesn't occur tonight, she will come in the morning and do everything within her power to start labor. She is experienced in this and the doctor we saw gave her blessing for us to try this on our own. My midwife is confident that we will be successful. Aaron has looked into financial help in the event I should need to go to the hospital and it is available for us. I am tired. I am ready for this to be over so we can move on to the next steps in our grieving process. On the flip side, I am terrified to let go.

Aaron will keep you posted as he can tomorrow. He has decided to be with me, although we will wait and see about him holding the baby.

We are tentatively planning a Saturday funeral. The baby will be buried here. We have already started the filing process with the county to secure the property for a private cemetery. It is legal in Missouri. We have to deed in trust an acre of land to the county in the event the property leaves the family hands. This protects the cemetery area from being destroyed in the future. It has helped our process a lot to have a friend in the county commission office."

Psalm 27:7-9
"Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation."

When we climb onto our heavenly Father’s lap and ask Him "Why?" He knows we are seeking His face. He may not always be able to give us an answer, but our questions don’t anger Him.

9.) Aaron, "The body of Ian Reed came into this world at 6:45 a.m.—his soul and spirit already with Jesus. Final arrangements are still pending but the service will be mid to late Saturday afternoon.

We covet your prayers as our family seeks His mercy and grace in the days and weeks that follow."

1 Thessalonians 4:13
"But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope."

10.) Paige, "I know I am still supposed to be in bed, but I have been a good girl all morning and thought that sitting at the computer long enough to type this wouldn't be too bad for me.

If you all don't mind, I would like to share with you a little bit about Ian Reed. First of all, was I ever shocked that he was a HE! Oh wow!!! He has been a little girl in my mind for days, and I *thought* he was a girl even before we saw the doctor. We won't be sharing pictures unless you really want to see one. And you would need to be forewarned. As his mother, I think he was beautiful, but I was looking past his flaw. Had he been born right after death, he would have been a perfectly beautiful baby boy. As it is, you have to look with a mother's love. That being said, his hair is (or am I supposed to say was?) dark brown like Andrea's was when she was born. Andrea still has the quantity award, but Ian had a healthy head full. He had perfect little ears. His fingers and toes were LONG. Definitely fingers that could have played a piano, and since I have short stubby toes, he didn't get those from me.  He weighed in at 4 lbs 2 oz (calculate his weight in eight more weeks! The doctor had calculated 3.6 lbs) and was 17 inches long. We were able to get footprints and a minuscule lock of hair.

I am doing OK at the moment. I am also pretty sure I will do well over the next week. Aaron on the other hand has taken this very, very hard. He did look at Ian Reed, and he did hold him, although I could tell that was more than he wanted to do. He is also the person who had to hand his son's body over to the funeral home guy. I am sure that wasn't easy.

By the way, just in case you didn't know this, Ian is Irish for John, which means, "God is gracious". Reed means "red-haired or ruddy". His complexion was definitely ruddy, although we had been led to believe he would be very white. So he is well named."

Psalm 139:16
"Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them."

For most parents it is important to allow them time to hold and look at their baby. Counting toes and fingers, saving a lock of hair, perhaps having a picture taken or footprints made, all of these things help the parents to heal emotionally. Your baby was a person and deserves a name for you to remember him/her by. Don’t allow others to deny you the right to see and hold your baby.

In Memory of Our Son Ian

God needed an angel today
for what I am not sure.
It must have been something important
Maybe a ministering angel,
or a messenger,
or a guardian,
or one to worship and praise.
But one could not be found in heaven,
So God began to look for one on earth.
He needed one who was innocent
one who had never known sin,
or pain,
or fear,
or a broken heart like mine.
Because He found one like that at my house,
and called him to His house.
And while these words could never express
the loss and grief and questions in my heart and mind,
I know that He is taking better care of him than I, and
I trust that someday He will tell me why He took my angel.
And on that someday, he will stand right beside Jesus and
welcome me to heaven for the first time.
He will teach me things about God
that I never could have taught him on earth.
He will show me the gates of pearl
and the streets of gold.
He will show me into the throne room of heaven
and I will be able to thank Him.
Because now I begin to understand how hard it was
for Him to give His only child
not for the perfection of heaven
but for me, a sinful man.
And if He can give His only son for me,
then the least I can do is give back to Him
the one He gave to me.
Aaron Mossman

In doing some research on the subject of in utero deaths and stillbirths I have selected a few suggestions to help with the grieving process:

1. Always treat the baby - even though stillborn -- as a human being, giving the baby a name.
   
   
2. Encourage the mother/father to hold the baby.
   
   
3. Take a picture of the baby so your baby's characteristics can be remembered.
   
   
4. Do things with your spouse and family that will create memories, or preserve them.
   
   
5. Encourage the celebration of the baby's birthday. Even if it’s just releasing a few balloons.
   
   
6. Create a scrapbook complete with pictures, a lock of hair, etc. Compiling the scrapbook can help immensely. Write your thoughts in the book. The memories that are vivid today will fade with time. (Then you may need to put the book away for a while.)
   
   
7. Talk about hopes and expectations that will not be realized.
   
   
8. The funeral or memorial should be as you would do for any other family member.

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